Sibling relationships with BPD child?

[Parents! Get help here!]

When we got our newborn foster baby our boys, who were 12 and 9 at the time immediately fell in love with her.  They worried constantly about her status until we finalized the adoption when she was 2 1/2 and seemed to want to spoil her rotten for those first several years.  However since she entered adolescence, she found out via her birth sister that she was abandoned in the NICU and shortly after I was diagnosed with breast cancer (I am fine now) she has understandably become a different child!  Both still live at home and seem to resent the her self-centered attitude, especially towards us, her parents, the oldest more so than the younger one. We have tried to explain to oldest how the needs of adoptees are very different and that she has this diagnosis, what it means, etc., but this 20 something college student isn't buying it.  I know it bothers her too that he doesn't ever come with us to her softball games, band concerts and such.  I hate to see their relationship suffer because we could have intervened, but I am not sure where to go with this.  I tried to give DS the book, The Primal Wound and asked him to read it, but it was back on my bookshelf the next day.  Is there a certain way we should approach this?  Do you think family therapy might be helpful?  Other suggestions?

Thanks!

[BioAdoptMom3]

When we got our newborn foster baby our boys, who were 12 and 9 at the time immediately fell in love with her.  They worried constantly about her status until we finalized the adoption when she was 2 1/2 and seemed to want to spoil her rotten for those first several years.  However since she entered adolescence, she found out via her birth sister that she was abandoned in the NICU and shortly after I was diagnosed with breast cancer (I am fine now) she has understandably become a different child!  Both still live at home and seem to resent the her self-centered attitude, especially towards us, her parents, the oldest more so than the younger one. We have tried to explain to oldest how the needs of adoptees are very different and that she has this diagnosis, what it means, etc., but this 20 something college student isn't buying it.  I know it bothers her too that he doesn't ever come with us to her softball games, band concerts and such.  I hate to see their relationship suffer because we could have intervened, but I am not sure where to go with this.  I tried to give DS the book, The Primal Wound and asked him to read it, but it was back on my bookshelf the next day.  Is there a certain way we should approach this?  Do you think family therapy might be helpful?  Other suggestions?

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

BioAdoptMom

There is a huge difference in age between your dd and your older sons... .  I think naturally they would not be very close because of this... .  I think this will change as they get older hopefully but I think it is natural for the two boys to be closer because of age and sex. I have three brothers ... . two older and one younger... .  I am probably closer to my younger brother than my two older brothers. I do think age is an important factor when looking at how close siblings are.

I think that maybe family counseling could help if all were willing but I would not force it. I think the boys have to want it... .  I think you could begin by simply have a conversation with them telling them of your concerns and worries. Maybe rather than focusing on only her activities you could just try to create more family outings to encourage them to interact... .  

[parent of bpd daughter]

I think your son will have to come around on his own. I know my youngest grows

more compassionate toward her much older BPD sister the more educated she

becomes in school and the more she matures.

She now sees her sister's disease more clearly, but still sometimes chooses

not to call her, visit etc. because it is so challenging.

My BPDD would NEVER agree to family therapy - I have tried. She DID

agree to 6 mos of therapy with me - but in it she manipulated, lied, acted out

so as to label ME the bad guy - so it really was a waste of time and money.

I think you will just have to keep doing what you are doing.

I am very interested about your Adopted Daughter's BPD because

my latest theory is that the BPD developed in my daughter in part

because I divorced her bio-dad when she was 2. So therapists have

told me that since he was primary caregiver - this caused her great

harm. I was full time working - but still there - he was unemployed

and her primary caregiver.

Do you think her BPD is result of her infancy up till 2? Lack of proper

bonding with her bio-mom ?  Why do some kids thrive w/o BPD

after bad early starts and others do not? This is interesting to me.

Peace be with you.

[vivekananda]

Hi BAM!

This is a subject that has caused me a lot of thought over the years. I think families have to be created, they don't just happen. I think that parents have to work at creating family 'traditions', celebrations and so forth, where family members can get together and share memories and such like. I believe thanksgiving is one such tradition that commonly meets this criteria. But there needs to be a lot more than that. Along with this, the talk at the dinner table is something that is important for establishing a mode of communication amongst a family.

Your boys are adults now, so that is a challenge to do something if it wasn't a modus operandi previously. But that's the sort of thing I would work on, creating shared family experiences.

It is proximity and shared experiences that help create relationships. That your lads are unsympathetic to your dd's current situation is understandable. That age difference is significant. I think the best way you can 'teach' them is to model behaviour for them. Use validation on them and you may improve their sympathetic response.

Good luck,

Vivek       

[pessim-optimist]

Hi BioAdoptMom,

Do I understand you correctly that your boys were very loving and involved up until the time your dd found out about her origin and you got diagnosed, and subsequently she developed BPD, so your sons aren't all that into loving and 'spoiling' their sister any more?

My husband tried to talk about BPD to the younger sister(27) of our uBPDd32, and sister dismissed it as: "it is not a PD, just a lot of immaturity, selfishness and bratty behavior". (No matter that those are some major symptoms of BPD, right?    )

I think that siblings in general, and maybe boys in particular might be prone to not 'buying' the BPD diagnosis, feeling protective of their mom (and dad)... .  

  Beats me too. Just speculating.

[Tkwoody]

Hi BAM,

My two bits would be this... .  you deserve peace of mind and just peace in general. If your sons are struggling with your BPD daughter, that is tough on not only her, but you too. I would recommend counseling for just YOU. You deserve wonderful comforting (validating!) advice.

Just because the BPD daughter is not interested does not mean you can't go and use that advice at home

Just thoughts.

[Kate4queen]

My eldest son (24) was subjected to so much intense bullying and hatred from his BPD sibling (21) that he wants nothing to do with him now and actually is good at sitting us (his parents) down and giving us a calm, rational analysis of what we are doing wrong with his brother. He knows his bro has BPD and NPD. Out of his brother's attempts to destroy him has emerged a strong person with self-worth. I'm actually very proud of him for that.

My youngest son (19) has unfortunately drunk the kool aid and thinks of BPD son #2 as his role model and can't see how he's destroyed our family, which makes me kind of sad. At 19 he is convinced that he is right and that we are wrong to distance ourselves from his brother who 'needs us!'.

So I can totally get that your sons might react in a black and white way to their sister. A lot of it is their age. You can only hope that as they mature, they'll come back to ask questions and learn to understand what's going on better. What I have learned is that at this point you can't change their minds at all.

[lbjnltx]

Perhaps shifting the focus of your conversations with your oldest son to be about how her illness has affected his life will be validating for him and then he can hear you.

lbjnltx

[mamachelle]

 

Perhaps shifting the focus of your conversations with your oldest son to be about how her illness has affected his life will be validating for him and then he can hear you.

lbjnltx

Bioadoptmom3,

There is a great chapter in the book  Parenting a Child Who Has Intense Emotions: Dialectical Behavioral Therapy Skills to ... . that deals with helping siblings cope and talks about how BPD affects them. I do think it is important to shift the conversation to your son's perspective. It will help him feel validated.

My eldest son (24) was subjected to so much intense bullying and hatred from his BPD sibling (21) that he wants nothing to do with him now and actually is good at sitting us (his parents) down and giving us a calm, rational analysis of what we are doing wrong with his brother. He knows his bro has BPD and NPD. Out of his brother's attempts to destroy him has emerged a strong person with self-worth. I'm actually very proud of him for that.

My youngest son (19) has unfortunately drunk the kool aid and thinks of BPD son #2 as his role model and can't see how he's destroyed our family, which makes me kind of sad. At 19 he is convinced that he is right and that we are wrong to distance ourselves from his brother who 'needs us!'.

So I can totally get that your sons might react in a black and white way to their sister. A lot of it is their age. You can only hope that as they mature, they'll come back to ask questions and learn to understand what's going on better. What I have learned is that at this point you can't change their minds at all.

I had to do a big intervention last year with my SS10 (has uBPD traits) to keep him from attacking his brother SS8. They are 18 months apart and have been raised together but are developing into 2 very different kids. SS8 is smart and popular (yes popular in 3rd grade) so at least he is not getting picked on at school. As SS8 has gotten older he's been giving a lot of anger and nastiness back to SS10 (calling him fat and stupid and bragging about how he is better in Math etc) and I see it starting to hurt SS10 more as he realizes he is different. Yet SS10 will still attack and hurt SS8 at the drop of a hat.  I try to pull SS8 aside and explain to him that SS10 can not control his anger and that he needs to come and get us when things get weird. I am trying to educate SS8 about protection of himself. I think after 2 years of this it is starting to sink in. But I also see SS8 acting as rescuer when SS10 is raging and crying over a fake injury. He worries about his brother even when he is calling him crazy and a psycopath. I worry about all this long term... . but doing the best that I can.

I also have problems with SS10 and all his siblings-- step and bio and half. He is very self-centered and most of them would prefer not to talk with him or engage with him. He is particularly sensitive to my DD16. She is the oldest and a girl and if she so much as looks at him sideways he has been known to cry or even try to attack her. It's calmed down quite a lot since he has been on meds but the reality is that I have basically had to counsel her to keep her distance and be careful of how she makes eye contact and to keep her mouth shut with him. She doesn't feel threatened really but she is also not engaging much with him.

So, yeah blended families are tough esp with a kid with BPD traits thrown in there.

  mamachelle

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thank you all very much for your support and advice!  I think Pessim-optimist, you might be right on it!  That is exactly how they feel about her behavior, especially the oldest one!  I am preparing to retire and my school is giving me and three others a party in about two weeks on a Saturday night.  DD has a softball tournament that weekend about an hour away so DH was going to stay there with her while I go to my party, escorted by our boys and their finances (I do not think the school would want a 13 y/o there so she is not the issue).  Anyway, the boys seem resentful that their dad will not be able to attend my party, so protective of us where she is concerned, absolutely!  And yes, they look at her diagnosis as a cop out!  I also LOVE the idea of validating their feelings and starting with how this is effecting DS1!  That is a GREAT idea!  I am so glad I found you all, my new friends who understand!

[BioAdoptMom3]

Parent of BPD daughter - I don't know the answer to your question, but when I read a book her counselor recommended to DH and me, The Primal Wound, which deals with the hurt of adoption/abandonment/rejection, in a couple places the author, Nancy Verrier mentions that there can be similiar behaviors, fears and concerns for children of divorce!  There may already be a study out there, but I think it would be so interesting to compare the personality traits of adoptees, children of divorce, children whose parents have died, etc. I also sometimes wonder if it is true BPD with which we are dealing, or the way our children react to the hurt in their lives. Has that caused BPD to surface, or are they just reacting in a way that makes them appear to have BPD traits because of their fear of abandonment.  That fear causes so many of their issues from anxiety to relationship problems to depression to... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders