Why does it hurt so bad knowing they are with someone else

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Maybe this isn't the same for most of you - but it kills me knowing my once shy, innocent, conservative wife of 19 years has moved onto someone new so quickly and is spending the nights at his house on the weeks she doesn't have my daughter.  What happened to her?  I know she is sick -but how can someone move on soo quickly - how can someone change soo quickly to a person I don't even recongnize anymore?  Yes I know she was mirroring me for all these years - I know she is just an empty shell - but how was I fooled for so many years that she was this person?  Or did I only see the reflection of me?  How did she change to this monster in less than a 9 months (from beginning of her affair) - how did she drop what I thought morals and values she had at a drop of the hat and turn black everything I thought she valued?  I know it's a sickness - I know all of this - but why does it still hurts so bad?  Is it the betrayal, is it that I was so blind, is it that I cannot imagine her as the person she has become?  A year ago she would have hated the person she has become - but now she seems happy, seems to have no regrets, seems to have blocked out all the good I thought she had in her?  How can she move on soo quickly and to this day I still have my moments?

[cal644]

Maybe this isn't the same for most of you - but it kills me knowing my once shy, innocent, conservative wife of 19 years has moved onto someone new so quickly and is spending the nights at his house on the weeks she doesn't have my daughter.  What happened to her?  I know she is sick -but how can someone move on soo quickly - how can someone change soo quickly to a person I don't even recongnize anymore?  Yes I know she was mirroring me for all these years - I know she is just an empty shell - but how was I fooled for so many years that she was this person?  Or did I only see the reflection of me?  How did she change to this monster in less than a 9 months (from beginning of her affair) - how did she drop what I thought morals and values she had at a drop of the hat and turn black everything I thought she valued?  I know it's a sickness - I know all of this - but why does it still hurts so bad?  Is it the betrayal, is it that I was so blind, is it that I cannot imagine her as the person she has become?  A year ago she would have hated the person she has become - but now she seems happy, seems to have no regrets, seems to have blocked out all the good I thought she had in her?  How can she move on soo quickly and to this day I still have my moments?

[Rocknut]

The pain comes from us being absolutely destroyed. The pain comes from our trust, our once concrete bonds being shattered. The pain comes from feeling like our soul has been crushed, set ablaze and left to die.

My therapist said one thing to me about my issues with my BPD ex. ":)o not try to put logic behind the illogical." That is the best advice anyone ever gave me.

[Validation78]

Hey Cal!

I know this hurts, sorry!

Radical acceptance allows us to accept what we can only attribute to a mental illness in the case of pwBPD. We cannot make sense of the what pwBPD do because the behaviors are not logical to us. It is futile to attempt to do so.

Understanding and accepting this as a severe and horrible illness has been key for me. It has allowed me to do less questioning and more moving on.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[clairedair]

":)o not try to put logic behind the illogical."   

My situation was similar to yours - longterm marriage; instant new love; kids introduced to her etc.  I was devastated even though I had been feeling that I really needed him to leave.  But I needed a break from feeling suffocated, I didn't really want the marriage to be over. 

A word of caution - I sometimes wonder if my shock at his new relationship and my own feelings that I somehow hadn't been good enough if he was so happy with someone else (this echoes your other post) left me vulnerable to the many recycles we then went through.  I was ecstatic when he told me that she 'ticked the boxes' but wasn't me.  What a boost to my ego!  And then he left, went back to her, came back to me ... .  Part of why I repeatedly reconciled was because I loved the feeling that I was really the one he wanted to be with (until I wasn't... .  )

The more time you can spend on yourself and kids and not her, the better.  It will mean that you will not be so vulnerable should her current relationship not provide what she needs (which is a likely scenario).

My exH last left in Fall 2012.  Started dating in December (and not to the woman he'd been triangulating (read definition) me with).  Engaged in March and will be married in two weeks.  To me, it's all just another confirmation that there was really nothing I could have done that would have meant he would have stayed with me.  That I wasn't as disposable as I felt.  That's been a liberation for me because it really had been excruciatingly painful before to watch him move on so quickly and be someone I don't even recognise. 

This time, I feel, rather than just know, that there's something very powerful going on that I can't change or cure no matter how patient, loving, generous, proud, kind and understanding I am.

I know it's not easy - took me years to get out of the fog - just remember that her moving on so quickly and seeming to be so happy is not a reflection on your worth but a reflection on how she feels about her own worth.

take care,

Claire

[itd1959]

Well, I just found out my ex has a new "friend" yesterday from my daughter. It hurt. With all that I have read about this illness I thought I would be prepared but I'm human and it hurts.

Part of the hurt is I thought I was building a life with someone and all that comes with that. Part of the hurt is she never really told me she loved me or wanted me back, although for a couple of months she tried in her own way to get me to come back. Part of the hurt is how easily they move from relationship to relationship and the realization that we were nothing more than an object to them is crushing.

Let's not forget when they idealized us, it was good to be with them but once the devalue us we are evil incarnate. We are the boogie men.

I saw first hand how she treated her ex-husband so I'm fully aware of what to expect form her now but it doesn't lesson the pain of hearing mommy has a new "friend." So I have been replaced and it hurts.

Where we are still stuck trying to figure out what happened, they just move right along and that hurts too.

[Billa]

My therapist said one thing to me about my issues with my BPD ex. ":)o not try to put logic behind the illogical." That is the best advice anyone ever gave me.

the same thing I was told by mine... .  but still, it's hard no to do it... .  

[marbleloser]

cal,this is because we see it as something wrong with us.If they can find someone else,it must mean that we were the problem,right? We were conditioned to believe that we were the one's with the issues,walked on eggshells,bent over backwards,etc.,,IN the end,it didn't matter,but it's making you wonder if you could/should have done more.

Truth is,she's filling a void that she can't fill herself.She needs someone else to give her worth.That's not a good position to be in.

There's plenty of people out there willing to fill that void for her,until they find that they can't.You could do the same,but I think you're being smarter if you're working on yourself first,instead of latching onto someone else.

I talked to lady at a club the other night.She was full of life,fun,attractive,with a group of other women,but she stood out amongst them all.She told me that she had been single,after divorce,for like 8 years.Then,she met her now H,standing in line at a grocery store.She worked on herself first,healed,and it just happened.She wasn't looking for it.You can tell she's confident and comfortable with herself.That's what you want to be cal and you can't do that by trying to fill the void with someone else.

[mbgeezle]

I'm in the same kind of situation. I see my ex as filling the void because she hates being alone. Jumping from one relationship to another, regardless if your the dumper or dumpee is a recipe for disaster. Could any of you check our my forum post and offer any advice?  My ex hasn't been medically diagnosed with BPD but all the signs/symptoms are there. Your advice and support would be greatly appreciated. I can offer any advice if I can help.