Vent

[BlueCat]

I just need to vent.

I don't talk to my sister any more. She's not as black and white obvious BPD as my mother but she is either BPD or has major fleas and last summer I finally decided I didn't want her in my life anymore either. We're not NC for various reasons but I no longer talk to her socially (same as my mother).

I unfriended her on Facebook. My privacy settings are that only friends can see what I post.

I am friends on FB with some family but not many (I unfriended my mother, her partner and some friends of the family, then my sister and her husband but I still have some family there).

A couple days ago I talked about something on Facebook. The thing I talked about is not something I talked about in person to anyone in the family. It's not a secret, I just don't talk with my family much (I've distanced myself a bit from the family as a whole since, as a whole, they are very enabling of my mother and not supportive in the way I need them to be, though they do mean well).

So this morning my sister emailed me about the thing I talked about.

It's not a secret, I know not to talk about secrets on FB or other social sites, so that's not the issue. But either she's reading my FB page or someone else is reading my FB page and telling her what I'm talking about.

I don't care if it's just what I had for breakfast that she knows about, it's just creepy.

I double checked my settings and it's set to friends. And I don't want to get all paranoid and cut off everyone who might talk to her. And I love FB. I get a lot out of it, especially with my friends.

Still, it's annoying.

I wish I didn't have to deal with this crap.

[BlueCat]

She's reading my page.

I was stupid and wrote on FB that it felt "stalkerish" to get an email from someone I don't talk to about an issue I had posted on FB. It was stupid of me but at the time I thought it was just the family gossip mill sharing stuff and didn't think she'd see it.

A few hours after I wrote that I got a horrid, hate filled email from her bringing up something I said a year ago (I don't remember it), me not acknowledging a "nod" of hello from her a year ago, saying I need medication, saying I am holding on to hate, saying that I need a new therapist, blah blah blah. Caps and anger and all that.

It's just more evidence that I'm doing the right thing. I didn't reply to that email. One of the best coping mechanisms I've learned from therapy is that you can't have a rational discussion with someone who's irrational. JADE and all that.

But then she wrote a second email saying I owed her kids some money and I calmly wrote back that I already said I'd give her the money when a house is sold (long story short but our grandmother gave my kids college money and her kids hadn't been born yet so they got nothing - I am not legally obligated in any way to give her money but I *already said* that I would give her half of what my kids were given once Grandma's house is sold - I feel its the right thing to do morally). 

She made it sound like I was stealing from her kids and quoted some huge amount. So that email I replied to, reminded her I'd already told her I'd give her money when the house was sold and then told her it was a different amount. I then emailed my grandmother's lawyer to find the exact amount my kids were given so I can do the right thing (in my mind) and give her kids half when the time comes.

So that's it. I think she really is personality disordered. This is the first time (as adults) that her rage has been sent my way. The first email was classic projecting. She is angry and not moving on so she tells me that I am angry and not moving on.

It's just sad. I was almost crying a few times today. I wish it didn't have to be this way. The inheritance of abuse and dysfunction just keeps going. I'm glad my kids have escaped it at least.

[Deb]

Did you block her? Not just unfriend her, but block her? I had to block an ex-friend even though I have my settings set to private. I think the ex-friend may have gotten info from someone else, but to be safe I blocked her. I posted something on my FB that I would not normally post. I was just to fed up. I did not use names just said the whackjob from "her city" and the lies she was spreading. Funny thing is that whack job then "explained" her lies which only made her look worse.

[BlueCat]

I only blocked her today. I unfriended her last August and since my FB is set to "friends only" I thought that was enough but apparently not.

But yeah, today I blocked her account, her husband's account and our mother's (because she lives across the street from our mother and uses her computer sometimes so it seemed like a good idea - I had unfriended my mother over 2 years ago anyway).

And when I went to block her today I couldn't find her. I guess she had blocked me first? I don't know, but I put in her email address and blocked that just in case.

It just sucks, you know? I feel sorry for her that our abusive childhood messed her up so bad, sorry for me that I don't have a normal family, sorry for my kids that they don't get to see their cousins more. Just all of it.

[bluecup11]

Oh that sucks, BlueCat. Facebook can make it all so much more complicated, but it's such a convenient way to be in touch with friends and the family that you want to be in touch with.  It can also really magnify the fact that we don't have healthy FOOs, can't it? I know that I needed to avoid it completely on Mother's Day weekend for so many reasons.

[BlueCat]

Yeah, it's not FB that's the problem, it's the reminder that my family is so messed up that's the problem  

Someone told me that if I have FB set to "friends only" then she shouldn't be able to see it, so . . . that leaves me that someone is passing on information. And that sends me down paranoia road.

I still think it's more likely that she's reading my page somehow but I also don't like how I'm feeling right now. I'm thinking of making a new account and just friending my actual, you know, friends, ! Because that's what I use FB for anyway.

I do have some aunts and cousins on FB but honestly, we never talk on FB. And we don't talk in real life so it's not a loss.

Sigh. I just hate that this is an issue. And yeah, I hate that Mother's Day can't be 100% a day of joy for me. I hate that we all have to deal with all this stuff in our lives

[BlueCat]

I made a new account It was the easiest option. FB is a fun place for me and I want it to remain that way. It's like small talk with my friends  

Whew! I still wish I didn't have to deal with this crap, but I'm also getting better (with age? practice? LOL!) at the actual dealing. It is what it is. I didn't take the bait, I didn't write back and explain away all of what she wrote (though honestly, maybe I'll post her letter later and respond to it here because I've found it does help me to dissect things - but I know there's no point responding to her about it).

And now I've taken the step of making a new FB account. And I went through my "friends" list and only contacted my actual friends who I actually want to talk to and was surprised at how many there were   (I guess in my head I'm still an unpopular, unloved little kid with no friends - it's nice sometimes to be reminded that is so very much not true   ).

I also preemptivly blocked her and her husband from that account, but it's not my real name, I didn't use my real town (or fill in any other information) it's not an email I've ever used to contact her and I have no FB friends who she knows, and no family on the new account so the chances of her finding me are pretty low.

Thankfully I had a fun day already planned with a friend yesterday (exercise, charity fund raising and hanging with a friend at the same time - it was totally what I needed!) and that, plus some extra 5-HTP and I'm ok.

Thanks for the back and forth