Aging Waif BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello All,  long time no post.

My mom is an aging, waif-type BPD.  Recently she has been having real health problems (small strokes, osteoporosis broken bones, hit by car etc)  after many years of fake crisis brought about by refusal to take normal amounts of self-care and drug abuse. 

Since her recent strokes she has started to push her life long goal of moving in with my sister and me again.  We've told her this can't happen (too much history of erratic, dangerous etc behavior).  She refuses our offers to help her find some type of assisted living place where she can get more daily help from people who aren't just us.  We're struggling to imagine what her end game is like.  She is only 64 so she could either live for another 20 years or take herself out through suicide or poor self care basically any day in light of her deteriorating physical health.

My sis and I are trying to avoid getting sucked into FOG which encourages us to make self-sacrificing decisions that are bad for our own family stability and mental health.   And also struggling to decide how much help is appropriate given her life-long tendency to cry wolf and to use the help we offer to become ever less functional.  Finally we are just wondering what the next 1-20 years are going to look like. 

I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences dealing with an aging waif BPD.  How did it go?  How did you balance your life and not get too sucked into her vortex.  etc?

[Drained Daughter]

Hello All,  long time no post.

My mom is an aging, waif-type BPD.  Recently she has been having real health problems (small strokes, osteoporosis broken bones, hit by car etc)  after many years of fake crisis brought about by refusal to take normal amounts of self-care and drug abuse. 

Since her recent strokes she has started to push her life long goal of moving in with my sister and me again.  We've told her this can't happen (too much history of erratic, dangerous etc behavior).  She refuses our offers to help her find some type of assisted living place where she can get more daily help from people who aren't just us.  We're struggling to imagine what her end game is like.  She is only 64 so she could either live for another 20 years or take herself out through suicide or poor self care basically any day in light of her deteriorating physical health.

My sis and I are trying to avoid getting sucked into FOG which encourages us to make self-sacrificing decisions that are bad for our own family stability and mental health.   And also struggling to decide how much help is appropriate given her life-long tendency to cry wolf and to use the help we offer to become ever less functional.  Finally we are just wondering what the next 1-20 years are going to look like. 

I'd be interested to hear other people's experiences dealing with an aging waif BPD.  How did it go?  How did you balance your life and not get too sucked into her vortex.  etc?

[Kwamina]

Hi Drained Daughter  

My uBPD mother is in her seventies and I'd say 'Waif' is her preferred state, but if this doesn't get her what she wants the other types appear as well. My experience has been that her behavior doesn't get better but actually only gets worse. The last two years I lived in the same house as her were two of the most difficult years, her behavior was really escalating which I didn't expect. I have an uBPD sis too and she and my mother seem to feed off each others bad behavior.

Whatever your decision will be, my advice would be to not let the FOG get to you too much. If the FOG really cares so much, they should take your mother in themselves. You know what she's capable of so it makes sense that you want to protect your current family life from all that chaos and negativity.

[Drained Daughter]

Kwamina,  thanks for sharing your experience.  I've heard a (very) few people say that their BPD relative mellowed out later in life, but this has not been my experience either.  I expect my mom is likely to be more like your mom.

Sounds like you had a rough couple of years.  I imagine it must be especially hard with a sibling who is also BPD!   

[Clearmind]

Boundaries to protect you are important.

There is a big difference between supporting and enabling Drained Daughter and enabling can make you incredibly drained. Your own family must come first and you must come first.

Your Mum really needs to find her way a bit.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Drained Daughter,

I had some rough years indeed but I'm very happy I don't live with her anymore. Before I knew about BPD I still considered my mother to be a normal person and expected her to learn and better her behavior but boy what was I wrong.

Does your FOG know about your mother's BPD? My experience with my mother and sister is that they often put on a mask when others are around. Most people have never seen their mean and crazy BPD behavior and actually believe that they are very sweet people. If these people had known what my mom and sis were like behind closed doors, this would have completely shocked them.

[Claire]

Hi Drained Daughter,

Thanks for bringing up this topic - it's something I'm wondering as well. My predominantly waif mom is in her upper 50s and is already starting to view herself as elderly... .

She has been telling me for many years that she and my dad choose me to care for them and make decisions when they are old. This does not sound like much fun, since like your mom, she does not seem to be mellowing out as she ages. Her own mother who was very difficult (not sure if BPD) became more and more difficult as she aged and health problems arose.

Anyway, I hope you're able to make some good boundaries and decisions that are healthy for you and your family. 

[eagerowl]

I've been through it all with waify BPD mom.  She's also been ready to be elderly since she was in her 50's... . she inherited a lot of money 20 years ago and thought she would be dead before it ran out... . of course she went through it in 3 years.  Shortly after was the first time she drunkenly told me she just wanted to die.  Since then it's been a long spiral downward with her self-sabotaging her own finances and health, claiming no responsibility for her own actions and expecting others to pick up the pieces... . then hating them when they wise up and don't. 

She couldn't stay sober in my sisters house so we moved her to independent living... . then assisted living... . then back to independent living where she kept falling due to alcohol and pills (she claims it was from a bladder infection... . the dozen empty bourbon bottles indicated otherwise)... . so then back to assisted living.  She demands to be moved again every few months (she's never lived anywhere more than a couple years our whole life).  Everyone around her (family, doctors, nurses, friends) start out as her new savior but are quickly painted black once they realize she is a bottom pit of need and despair.  She has eagerly embraced palliative and then hospice care as she sees it as "make me comfortable until I die" or rather "everyone has to do what I want until I die".  Which is really just the attitude she's had for last 20 years.

Yesterday I got a call saying we isolated her in assisted living and no one is helping her (I've been there 4 times in the past month including mother's day) and she needs things from the store and nobody cares.  What did she need so badly?  Coffee cups and makeup.  I told her no (enforcing boundaries is VERY important) so she got my sister's mother-in-law to do it (who figured her out long ago but still helps because she's a saint).  So then she told me she won't bother me again and she's dying as fast as she can.   

All of this is the standard BPD waif playbook as described on these forums over and over again.  Good luck!   

[Drained Daughter]

Thanks again from all your input and shared experience. 

I find it helps me to control my dysfunctional urge to save her from herself to hear the experiences of others.  Eagerowl I expect my mom's trajectory is much like your moms has been, the substance abuse and constant falling especially ring a bell (not to mention the you can never do enough for her part)!

[growndaughter]

Sounds so familiar.  Mine does not drink or abuse drugs but she falls, has bruises and issues galore.

[nomom4me]

My mom a waif, lucky for me she does not drink but as she ages she has falls, back injuries and they were filling me with FOG for awhile.  What helps me is remembering that she has not been AT ALL helpful or shown a shred of sympathy when I've been sick, injured and she didn't even mention a major surgery I had to her partner and my family.  She didn't run to my aid when I'm unable to leave my apartment for weeks after surgery, she didn't even sent a card or flowers.

I still worry about her, I just know I can't help - even if I wanted to.  She lives on a property that is difficult to navigate, she could sell and be in a condo or planned community.  If she wanted to have safer living conditions, she would move.  She wants to stay where she is and have her kids maintain the property, take care of her whims, etc.  I guess the one benefit of dealing with her waifyness is that it's less scary than dealing with the witch.  The witch still comes out, but not as often as years past.