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« on: May 18, 2013, 01:32:52 PM » |
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I finally decided to break away from recycling (going on for last 6 months) and have been in NC for last 10 days. I have been feeling good about the breakup. But still, it's not easy as we used to spend so much time together. I think about him all the time, read his old emails and messages.
I try to engage myself in activities and people but when I am alone at home, thought of calling him is so difficult to resist. He wrote, he wants to see me and catch up for dinner but I havn't responded yet. I am seeing a T and my sister is with me for support.
What upsets me most that he doesn't hurt me on purpose. After finding out about BPD, I figured that he doesn't know how to handle his emotions well, that's why is so vulnerable and ends up freaking out on small things and circular arguments. I am equally responsible for disturbed relationship, may be more because I have a better control on my emotions and should have known better.
His intentions towards me were really good and I know he loved me truly and deeply. All he wanted to do was to make me happy, ended up sacrificing his own happiness and grew dissatisfied. I did the same. It didn't work out as we tried to lose ourselves in each other to find strength in other person. We had no future together. He didn't believe in marriage, kept saying Nothing is forever and I kept losing my faith in him over time.
He was deeply hurt when I mentioned about BPD to him but didn't take any action on it. Still blames me for calling him mentally upset. Kept telling me that I shouldn't be with him because he can't have a healthy r/s (after 2 divorces), that he is not healthy for me. I was addicted to him and kept trying to make things work. During arguments, he would tell me find a man who mentally fit, who can make me happy. His emotional freak outs will scare me but he wanted me to have no fears, even for his emotions. If I shared my emotions, he would get upset when I said something negative. If i didn't, he would get upset that I am afraid. Kept demanding perfect communication and got upset if I didn't do it right. I think the fear of loosing me freaked him out the most. That began after I got UTI 6 months back.
He is so attached to me, I believe still is -that he would cry for me in his sleep talk (he would sleep talk quite regularly). That still makes me emotional.
Emotions these days are like a switch. Sometimes I feel so free and happy without him, that I could live the life I wanted. And then, I would miss him terribly. Just want to comfort myself around him. I guess I feeling weak now. I need to be stronger, for him and for me. Thanks for listening folks.
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