I need strength badly...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It has been basically 4 months exactly since my breakup with undiagnosed ex, who exhibited several BPD/NPD/HPD traits. I still miss her as much as I did the first day. I yearn for our past, and I can not stand that the feelings I had before during our relationship are not happening anymore. My sister returned from the Navy yesterday for 2 weeks, and she would typically be right there with her daughter to greet her off the plane and have a happy fun-filled evening. That obviously did not happen. I have been getting the silent treatment for 4 months. It kills me, shatters me, paralyzes me. I was "daddy" to her daughter. Most of you might or might not remember my story, but I was "daddy" to Nya (her daughter) and I have been completely alienated from her. This makes my pain so much deeper than it would be normally, which is difficult enough. Sometime I don't even know if I can handle it. How could she go from someone who cared about me, understood me, to someone who seemed to lack one ounce of feelings or emotion for anything. She wanted to buy a house, which I ended up buying, and she ended up leaving before she even moved in the house I got her. It all just makes no sense to me, and adds so much to my pain. I miss her, I still love her, and I wish she would wake up and understand how truly terrible this is. She doesn't even seem to understand the emotions and needs of her own small daughter, with whom my relationship was more special and treasured than anything in my life. Please help. I can not take the pain anymore.

[BrewCrew17]

It has been basically 4 months exactly since my breakup with undiagnosed ex, who exhibited several BPD/NPD/HPD traits. I still miss her as much as I did the first day. I yearn for our past, and I can not stand that the feelings I had before during our relationship are not happening anymore. My sister returned from the Navy yesterday for 2 weeks, and she would typically be right there with her daughter to greet her off the plane and have a happy fun-filled evening. That obviously did not happen. I have been getting the silent treatment for 4 months. It kills me, shatters me, paralyzes me. I was "daddy" to her daughter. Most of you might or might not remember my story, but I was "daddy" to Nya (her daughter) and I have been completely alienated from her. This makes my pain so much deeper than it would be normally, which is difficult enough. Sometime I don't even know if I can handle it. How could she go from someone who cared about me, understood me, to someone who seemed to lack one ounce of feelings or emotion for anything. She wanted to buy a house, which I ended up buying, and she ended up leaving before she even moved in the house I got her. It all just makes no sense to me, and adds so much to my pain. I miss her, I still love her, and I wish she would wake up and understand how truly terrible this is. She doesn't even seem to understand the emotions and needs of her own small daughter, with whom my relationship was more special and treasured than anything in my life. Please help. I can not take the pain anymore.

[whatisthetruth]

I understand.  They make u feel like u are central and your loved ones are central as well.

I go thru this too.  i was parent #2 to two twins - 5 yrs old.

Do not romanticize the relationship... .  is what I'm told on the abuse sites.

Really focus on the hitty parts when u feel weak.

open up doors to talk.  re direct your mind. 

your ex shutting you out is a blessing to u

[leftbehind]

Just want to say that I'm sorry you're dealing with all this, Brewcrew17.  It truly sucks.  I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  The only advice I have is to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I'm missing my ex today too :'(

[SuzyQ33]

Hi Brewcrew17,

I feel like crying for reading your post andd send so much love and strength your way... .  

Is there no way of seeing Nya again? In my country you are allowed visitation rights if two people stayed together in a "marriage relationship" and you can show that you are a significant person in a child's life... .  is there no such avenue for you?

I would also like to ask you to consider the following:  what if you could get her back now, stayed in the r/s for the next couple of years giving it your all... .  without reciprocation, and then realize later on how much time and effort and  pain has been spent over the years with no improvement... .  

Are you really up for the abuse, the emotional roller coaster and the slow dying of your soul?

Although I can so feel your pain and anguish even through the computer, you should maybe try to see the positive in this - you have been spared of future pain and can go on to live your life free of the drama.  You are now in control of your own future... .  

Lots of power to you

[flynavy]

Brewcrew17... .  please believe me it takes time to get your arms around this disorder... .  particularly the multiple types... .  in all of my research there seems to be a common consensus that a significant number of particularly woman with personality disorders exhibit exactly as you say... .  characteristics of BPD/NPD/HPD.  Guess what my ex gf/fiance exhibited traits of all three as well.  I think it makes them even more dangerous and hurtful... .  and thus the damage they inflict is more severe... . IMHO!  My ex BPD/NPD/HPD had four children from her second marriage... .  each of these children have their own set of issues... .  oldest daughter takes advantage of every one she comes into contact with.  She is a perpetual student.  One son is a severe bi-polar, tried committing suicide and is in a program finally because the father took charge.  He ran out of the house naked with a knife into the woods and my ex(this was before I knew her) didn't want the police informed because she didn't want her bf to know she had a crazy son(her words).  Other son is an alcoholic... .  can't hold down a job for more than a month... .  got his girlfriend pregnant so he lives with her parents.  Youngest son sequesters himself in his room with door closed.  Hardly talks... .  when he does you can't hear him... .  Mommy does everything for him ... .  I think she finally feels guilty.  All of her kids have seen her go from one guy to another and several at once... .  even have them lie for her.  So whats my point... .  they are very sick individuals who live for themselves!  I know you love her... .  or the person she manipulated you into believing... .  I know because it happened to me.  I fell in love with the person I wanted her to be.  She knew what I was looking for and mirrored that image back to me through deceit, lies, manipulation and flat out brainwashing... .  it sucks... .  I know... .  but learn as much as you can so you can begin to heal... .  please.  I ran across something by Richard Skerrit... .  "Meaning from Madness".  In the short book he talks about how particularly with women... .  personality disorders usually cut across multiple disorders... .  like my ex BPD/NPD/HPD.  It amazes me how she fits these three disorders... .  In retrospect, I can now see what disorder she was moving to the forefront by the behavior and tactics she was using.

So please, read as much as you can!  Post here when you you are confused... .  I learned so much in a very short period of time on this site... .  I now see my ex for who she really is... .  not what I wanted her to be.  Your love was true so don't feel bad/angry for that.  Loving someone is never a bad thing... .  when its not reciprocal its hurts real bad... .  but it DOES and WILL get better for you!

[whatisthetruth]

what is hpd as referenced above?

[flynavy]

From psych today... .  What Histrionic Personality Disorder characteristics are:

In many cases, people with histrionic personality disorder have good social skills; however, they tend to use these skills to manipulate others so that they can be the center of attention.

A person with this disorder might also:

Be uncomfortable unless he or she is the center of attention

Dress provocatively and/or exhibit inappropriately seductive or flirtatious behavior

Shift emotions rapidly

Act very dramatically, as though performing before an audience, with exaggerated emotions and expressions, yet appears to lack sincerity

Be overly concerned with physical appearance

Constantly seek reassurance or approval

Be gullible and easily influenced by others

Be excessively sensitive to criticism or disapproval

Have a low tolerance for frustration and be easily bored by routine, often beginning projects without finishing them or skipping from one event to another

Not think before acting

Make rash decisions

Be self-centered and rarely show concern for others

Have difficulty maintaining relationships, often seeming fake or shallow in their dealings with others

[fromheeltoheal]

It all just makes no sense to me, and adds so much to my pain. I miss her, I still love her, and I wish she would wake up and understand how truly terrible this is.

It will never make sense to us, since it's disordered thought.  Learn as much as you can about BPD and after a while you will get your head around how they think, and it is NOT like you think.  The first step for me was realizing that the entire 'connection' we had, which seemed real and awesome to me at the beginning at least, was a complete fiction and didn't exist; what was going on for her was very different from what was going on for me.  And there is no waking up, she's not asleep, she's disordered, and to fix that would take major rewiring of her brain, which we can't do.  Keep typing here, and hang in there.

[whatisthetruth]

HPD 

sounds familiar thanks FN

thank god for this forum

im learning

disordered thoughts... .  dont know about you but i needed to hear that reminder

jesus i feel perpetually stunned

validated and friggin stunned

[flynavy]

whatisthetruth... .  trust me... .  I think we were all stunned!  When your all in... .  in love with someone the truth is almost unbearable... .  multitudes of emotions run ramped... .  stunned first... .  disbelief... .  anger at the BPD/NPD/HPD ... . and at yourself for not seeing it... .  being so gullible/stupid... .  but keep in mind, that that is what they do and do it so very well.  I called off our wedding last June 30th just 4 weeks before we were to be married because my overwhelming suspicions and investigations led me to know she was actually engaged to another right up to accepting my marriage proposal.  But I didn't stop cuz the sex was so good... . for the next 8 months we just had sex... .  OK sometimes dinner first but the sex was the main attraction! It wasn't till just this April 23rd, I went to the airport to surprise her when she was flying in from a trip to Florida... .  why... .  because she was sexting me all day.  She didn't realize I was gonna be there.  Guess what... .  even though I knew she had other guys, I finally saw it with my own eyes... .  her holding hands with the other fiance before me, with teh same cutsie smile she always played me with.  Really hit home for me... .  and really hurt too!  They are master manipulators, liars, deceivers, brainwashers and utilize their cutsie smile and seductive sultry behavior to reel you in, and keep you there.

[fromheeltoheal]

They are master manipulators, liars, deceivers, brainwashers and utilize their cutsie smile and seductive sultry behavior to reel you in, and keep you there.

Yes navy, and also remember the motivation.  Having only half a 'self', half an autonomous human, they MUST attach to someone else to feel whole; it is a matter of life or death, and they don't think they have a choice.  All a result of not going through the abandonment terror and subsequent depression as infants or whenever.

So they get extremely good at attaching, since it's life or death, and spreading out the attachments lessens the chance of abandonment.  That behavior might be malicious coming from a normally wired human, but these are disorder folks who are just trying to survive, as they leave wreckage in their wake.

[Validation78]

Hi BC!

I understand your pain. I too lost the ability to see my stepchildren in the attempt to save myself in this whole mess. It sucks, it really does. However, we have no control over it. We can only do so much and we must accept the collateral damage done by it. If we ask ourselves whether or not we did our best, and the answer is yes, we can move on, tough as it is. If the answer is no, we can use it as a basis for self improvement. Not to change the past, but to impact the future. We all have a future, and our past will help us determine how it will all turn out.

What have you done for yourself to aid in your healing,  and to enable you to accept what you cannot control?

Best Wishes,

Val78