Staying Sane

[cult]

I know I need to read all of the lessons here, and I welcome any additional insights and feedback from Stayers. I consider myself to be on the fence between Staying and Undecided, but for the moment I am more firmly in the Staying camp.

I posted a novel about my situation a couple of days ago. The abridged version:

* 10 year, same sex relationship. Before this year, we were very affectionate and romantic, and had a regular and satisfying sex life. We have lived together for 9 of our 10 years as a couple.

*  I am severely codependent (have started working on these issues); partner has developed a serious mental illness since recovering a traumatic memory in December 2012; definitely severe depression, possible PTSD

* Partner is shutting me out especially since April, so about a month and a half. Very little physical affection, no sex, gone for days at a time. In April she had a flashback to her attack while we were being sexual, and she has not been the same since then.

* Partner is in therapy and wants meds, but has not gotten them yet due to insurance and expense issues. She is actively looking for resources.

My biggest problem is not falling apart during the times that she is dysregulated, which is pretty much ALL of the time. The worst part is being shut out. I work long hours M through F and want to spend time with her on the weekends, but the last two weekends in a row she has been gone. I have my own issues, and feel abandoned myself. We were together 24/7, did everything together and were only apart when one of us was working. So to go from that, to being completely on my own in the matter of a month, is dizzying and extremely painful. When we are together, she does her best and I do feel her love for me is there. It's just that we are so rarely together anymore, and there is really no room for my needs at the moment.

Stayers, how do I cope?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

 

It's very difficult to deal with such a shift in the relationship.  I'm sorry you're feeling lonely in this, but we're all here to support you!  It sounds like your SO is struggling with some serious issues and perhaps just needs the time alone to process all that's been going on.  I know that's not much consolation when you're feeling lost and lonely, but believe me when I tell you that posting here has helped me not feel so all alone in my struggles and I hope that it helps you as well.  Keep working on you~~that's where you'll gain the strength to get through this tough spot.  Post your thoughts and feelings here~~it's a safe place to vent!

I hope things settle down for you all soon, but it may take a lot of time and patience.

[arabella]

It's really hard. I read your other post as well and I feel for you - that's a lot to take in all at once!

As Rockylove said, I found that being here helped me a lot while I was trying to readjust. I spent a LOT of time reading this site. I posted a few threads, grabbed on to random tips and tricks here and there, and my mind just sort of gradually shifted into a healthier space. I really threw myself into focusing on my own issues and trying to heal from CD - the space my pwBPD forced on me was helpful in that regard at least. It's an ongoing process for me and it's not easy. I certainly am not going to guarantee your sanity (I'm pretty sure I'm on my last marble myself)!

Just hang in there, one day at a time, and it will gradually start to be less overwhelming.