Since I left been curious

[itd1959]

Do they see us as normal? Is there any literature out there from BPDers who been treated and how they really see the people they've been with? This one thing that's been bugging me since I found out she has the illness (she doesn't know it) but how do they really see us? They must realize, I would think, after so many failed relationships, it can't be the other persons fault EVERYTIME. Do they ever admit they screwed up? Do they ever admit they lost a good guy/woman?

This puzzles me, deep down how do they really see the mess they made of their lives? The mess they made of their childrens lives? Even children feel guilty when they hurt someone and if BPDers are stuck in a childhood frame of mind emotionally, one would think at some point they would feel some guilt or remorse?

I haven't found any literature that pertains too people who've have put BPD behind them and how they really feel, deep down about the people they've had in their lives?

I guess my core question is, ":)id she really love me?" I mean I know the answer based on what I know about BPD, she didn't feel love as I felt love. But my daughter, a seven year old loves me unequivocally and let's me know everyday how she loves and misses me. Which confuses me because if the BPDer is stuck in a childhood emotional state, how can she not love me or miss me like my own child does. I find it a bit confusing and contradictory to what I understand BPD to be and the state of mind they are in?

[TippyTwo]

Just my take on it... .  pwBPD operate on a self centered, survivalist mentality. They don't perceive, think, internalize, process things as non's do.

They seem to operate on a cause and effect basis of learned behavior thru mirroring perhaps whereby they get what they need or what they think might quell their inner world of chaos. And, even that is subject to a rapidly changing internal environment.

It seems, a lot of detaching and healing involves trying to come to grips with figuring out what was real using a non's way of thinking, being, and problem solving.

[eniale]

Agree they operate from a self-centered, survivalist mentality.  I think my ex marked HIS exes in terms of what he got out of them, e.g., he told me that one taught him how to bank online years ago, another introduced him to a useful (mostly used by Europeans) kitchen tool, etc.  I think he will "mark" me as someone who taught him how to poach eggs, and introduced him to my friend who has an apartment in Europe (we stayed with her last year.)  Should have been suspicious when he asked for her email address before he even met her.  He kept up a correspondence with her, & now she appears to have dumped me.  I am sure they are emailing each other.  So along with the poached eggs, I provided him with a free room in a beautiful city in Europe.  I knew from start he was "opportunistic" although at that time I refused to acknowledge he is a user (denial).  You have to realize such people do not think like the rest of us.  I think my ex feels he is a bottomless pit that constantly needs filling, so I was nothing more than another meal in his food chain.  He said he loved me time and time again but perhaps it was only gratitude as I was (at that time) giving him what he needed.  But his need is insatiable, hence on to the next woman (victim).

[BorderlineMagnet]

I've thought that too about my most current BPD ex. Towards the end even when she was flakey (detaching and moving on to new guy) she would say how lucky she was that I was in her life, how great of a guy I am, and how unfair it was that she was treating m the way she was. I often wonder if that's true, or just her survival instinct of trying to keep me on the periphery of her life somehow. She straight out said one day that it's not fair of her to put me on the back burner of her life, and that I deserve better than that. I didn't know about her infidelity then, but I felt it was at least somewhat honest. Since the LC after our break up, she still has been nothing but remorseful. Even though she tells me she loves her new guy and that it's the most right feeling she ever felt ( I suspect this is mostly a lie since I kind of forced her to choose him once I found out about him), she still has never said she stopped loving me or anything cold or cruel. At this point I'm disgusted by her mirroring of me after how complete I saw it had been, and do carry around feelings of anger and vengeance. It's the disorder, I know, but the curiosity in me does kind of hold on to some vague feelings for her.

[lhd981]

BorderlineMagnet:

There were a few times in my relationship with my BPD exgf that she gave me these very sincere "half" apologies. I say half, because she didn't quite realize what she was apologizing for, she just saw that I was very upset.

Yet, none of this ever "stuck" with her. She'd still rage and act erratically, most of the time without an apology whatsoever.  Someone here once likened it to the movie "Groundhog Day", and I think that's a pretty apt description. No matter how much progress you think you've made, it all goes back to square one as soon as they're "provoked". It's as sad at it is maddening.

[BorderlineMagnet]

lhd,

My experience with my last BPD ex was a little different. Me and her never argued at all. No rages period. She was nothing like the BPD ex I had before her who would rage weekly. I know the term "high-functioning" is kind of not true when it comes to BPD, but I think she was so good at mirroring my demeanor that I never really saw any of her anger. Or it was never directed at me. The only time I experienced some at all is when I told her new guy that she was still my GF while they were supposedly a couple. She was flustered, a bit mad, but sounded more desperate and ashamed. I think she knew I was a lost cause, and while it hurt her a lot, she had to throw all her cards in with the new guy since he was present during me and her's last phone call. I was pretty nice with the last things I had said to her about my feelings for her, and the life I wanted to spend with her. So much that I heard any anger from her go away and she sobbed. This doesn't make me feel like I'm special or something, but I think it does put me in a "good guy" status with her, even though I may be black for busting her. I dunno really. I hope I never get to find out.