did your BPD parent take you to drs when you needed to go?

[js friend]

Hi ALL

I dont normally post on this board but I have a question.

My uddd18 recently had a baby and the baby has been sick a few times since birth. Nothing major I might add... .  but enough for myself and others to be concerned that dd should take the baby to the gp for her to be checked over.  what iam finding is that dd is very resistant to taking her d to the drs. The more I mention taking her, it seems the more resistant she is to the idea, until the baby is almost at crisis point,( twice gd has required medication)

yet if dd has as much as a cold she is off down to the drs straight away, and she isnt happy she until she is given some kind of medication.


I understand that my dd lacks empathy but surely she can  think of times when she was sick and put herself in gd shoes ... .  or maybe not. 

As her mom I never let dd suffer and always got her looked at straight away and I hoped she would do the same for her own child but it doesnt seem to be happening and it is becoming unbearable for me to watch.

So my question is; when you were ill as  a child did your BPDparent get you seen to straight away or not?

[Cordelia]

My uBPD mother LOVED taking me to the doctor and loved the attention she got for being the mother of a sick child.  She would make up diseases for us to have.  My sister thinks she has Munchausen by proxy syndrome.  So it's a little different.  But if your grandchild needs medication and her mom is refusing to let her to go the doctor, you really have to call CPS!  I know it's an extreme step, but it sounds like a child's life is in danger.  Good luck with this situation... .  I can't imagine... .  

[nomom4me]

No.  My mom ignored serious health issues that were not addressed until I was an adult with my own health insurance.  She continues to deny that I have health-related limitations.  When I was sick as a kid, a sibling would take me to the Dr.

[Islandgrl]

My experience was the same as nomom4me - my BPD mother ignored health issues of all kinds and I don't actually recall that she ever took me to the drs even tho we live in a country where healthcare is free for children.  A friends parents had to take me to hosp once as I had a broken hand - BPD mom was not in slightest embarrassed that she had ignored my pain and clearly swollen hand for a whole day and night, she was more interested that she thought there was some sort of intrigue that she could pry into as to how I broke it (just playing sports but which she refused to accept).

[Claire]

Hi j's friend,

Like Cordelia, I think my mom took me/my siblings to the dr a lot when we were young, for the attention for herself. As we got older, the attention was not on her as much so she would start to act jealously toward us when we were sick, and not take care of us or take us to the doctor. She has hypochondriac tendencies and has always gone to the doctor all the time for herself, which sounds similar to your dd.

Hoping for the best for this dear baby and this difficult situation for you! 

[js friend]

Its so nice to hear what others have to say who have been in this situation and I thank you for your replies

iam suprised... . again everything seems to be all or nothing behaviour. All the extremes and nothing in between.

Cordelia~ I have considered calling cps but I see my gd regularly and have a watchful eye on her. my dd18 is a good mom in other regards. She has her moments but on the whole she is a much better mom  than I ever imagined she would be. I dont actually think my dd sees that delaying medical help as neglect. 

she sees neglect as not feeding her, not changing her or just walking out and leaving her somewhere.She doesnt even see that doing these things irregularly as neglect... . Everything has to be extreme before she thinks anything is wrong.

What I cant understand is She took so much care of  her health when she was pregnant. she loved being pregnant. Really looked after herself and took her vitamins and iron regularly and... . hardly missed a drs appointment ... . but of course being pregnant brought her the attention that she loved.

She loved that all eyes were on her for a while,especially the bigger she got and automatically I thought she would show the same concern for gd's health now she is here so now this situation is  just so hard to accept.

[cleotokos]

j's friend, I have to echo Cordelia and say that when I read your post, my immediate thought was that you need to involve CPS. Your daughter's actions show an extreme lack of empathy for her child, and it seems to be a poor start for this baby girl. One of the supposed causes of BPD is childhood neglect or parental indifference towards a child. I personally don't consider this to be a minor thing for your gd to have to endure. I'm glad you have your eye on the situation, but you can't see all that happens. Many BPD's present a totally different face to the world, sometimes even their own parents, than they do to their children.

[js friend]

j's friend, I have to echo Cordelia and say that when I read your post, my immediate thought was that you need to involve CPS. Your daughter's actions show an extreme lack of empathy for her child, and it seems to be a poor start for this baby girl. One of the supposed causes of BPD is childhood neglect or parental indifference towards a child. I personally don't consider this to be a minor thing for your gd to have to endure. I'm glad you have your eye on the situation, but you can't see all that happens. Many BPD's present a totally different face to the world, sometimes even their own parents, than they do to their children.

Cleotokos.

I always have this in mind when i think about gd. I will always be looking out for her. She is helpless and vulnerable  baby and is at the mercy of a mentally ill parent whose moods change almost minute by minute. Iam aware of that, but I guess  Iam still hopeful that I can support dd in some way to keep dd and gd together.

In other ways my dd  is such a good mom towards gd, but I do find myself having a rising sense of fear and panic everytime gd is ill. :'(

I think what I need is to find a calm moment before speaking about my concerns... . or find if she still is not listening to me to find someone else she is close to to talk to her about it. I havent tried that  one yet... . maybe Im just the wrong person for the job as i have discovered over many years dealing with dd's behaviour.

I know  she wants to somehow prove that she is a better mom to gd than I was to her, and she also has control issues that iam trying to take over her child which stops her from listening to me so i need to try another approach. If it involves calling ss it will be hard but I do need to protect gd. dd had involvement with them before she had gd (abusive r/s)and it was a good learning curve for her.

[cleotokos]

J's friend, I know it would be extremely difficult to call cps on your own daughter. Only you know the true extent of the situation and whether that may really be necessary. My uBPD mom had to call cps on my uBPD brother, and thank god she did. But I can only imagine the guilt she must have felt and probably still does. My heart goes out to you.