confused

[dickL]

 love some feedback . i found this site after uBPDw of 35 yrs moved to another state with old bf 6wks nc . i did it all wrong , reacted with anger in last 3yrs and made it worse. S still lives with me in marital home , he's not capable of independent living and ther's no one to help . i want to stay and realize this is not going to be easy . she stuck when we were ill . i suggested she was welcome at home , it's 1/2 hers , but tactfully suggested seeking proper treatment asap , like cancer . we had a family friend and neighbor for many yrs , mother , wife , very religious woman . unfortunately she became an alcoholic and very openly had sexual affairs , lots . divorces , lost jobs etc . followed . the similarities with upbdw with the repeated need for a man that made them feel whole , happy and always disastrous . they actually had a physical altercation with each other over a man they both had been sleeping with. these ladies parted ways as they were too much alike . sadly the friend became more eratic , delusional and had to be institutionalized , now several yrs . she's only about 45 , attractive , very personable and her diagnosis in hospital is hunington's disease , incurable , slow degeneration of the brain ,  and a slow death . it's genetic , her father died of it undiagnosed until death . they were both stigmatized just crazy . the ladies daughters and mother have strongly supported her inspite of the horrors she subjected them to . they love her and care . she's locked up and will die there . this site is great but it can be confusing , success storys and stories of no hope for rs with BPD's. i want to stay , i love her , but i need to be informed and use tools i learned here. if she had a terminal brain tumor and had these behaviors i want to have more empathy than anger towards her uncontrollable destuctive life long behaviors. it's a tall order.

[an0ught]

Hi dickl,

you sound like a good and patient guy. Very good and very patient. Fact oriented. Focused on being positive, constructive and working towards healing. Feeling responsible and accountable for "wrongs" you made.

i want to stay , i love her , but i need to be informed and use tools i learned here. if she had a terminal brain tumor and had these behaviors i want to have more empathy than anger towards her uncontrollable destuctive life long behaviors. it's a tall order.

It would be surprising if you would not feel angry after the many years of extremely unfaithful, abusive and drama filled marriage  . Your "confusion" may well be a sign of deeper feelings. You are not alone responsible for what happened. Some yes, but some is hers alone. I suspect it will be difficult to feel the empathy you desire without first working through the anger and grief. It is part of the detachment process and it is ok to feel totally upset about lots of things that happened... .  

You may find some useful pointers in the LESSONS on the leaving board. Not at all saying that you should leave or join that board but as you are dealing a terminal condition some of the detachment focused workshops may be helpful right now.

Hang in there  ,

a0

[dickL]

an0ught , thank you for feedback and compliments , i am very patient and try to be kind . let me air a moment . i mentioned S, he requires supervision daily, his neurological damage leaves him developmentally 12-14 , no respite 4 me , and like his mother rationalization is a bad choice . very frustrating ! i started T about 2yrs ago due to my anger that was not me . i am in poor health and need a liver transplant, self inflicted 40yrs ago ,  and fall far short in proper care of my S and our home . i'm not at death's door , but i'm 63 and i will only get more ill . i fell like i have the flu for several days at a time and get depressed , then i get better for several days. uBPDw will not respond to any contact w/me . she' 1000mi away w/little $. i have sent 4 or 5 messages about family finance , her obligations from a long marriage . T advised my attempts were waste of time as the uBPDw will see them as another poke in her eye , i have tried  to validate her anger towards me . i stick to business and emphasize ignoring the irs and other financil issues will hurt our son's future after we're gone. she is gone and her return or not is her choice , i can't legally bar her fron her own home . my hope is to prepare S for the day i'm gone . one day at a time , slowly clearing 37yrs of FOG. i can't predict the future , i don't trust her w/S care , when i'm gone. her compulsions have taken precidence over her son in the past inspite of her insistance she's a good mom . it's nice to air in a safe place , here !