please help

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been kicked out of my house by my partner who has BPD.  At the time she said it wasn't going to be permanent and that we needed the break.  After a few days, I agreed that we needed the break.  It's now been 5 weeks and there has been barely any contact between us.  I have been forced to give notice to the landlord as I cant afford to pay two rents and we have a baby on the way.  I have tried reasoning with my partner but she isn't interested in talking about whats happening, all she wants to do is bury her head in the sand.

We have met up a few times since I got kicked out and she has been lovely, like she was when we first started dating.  She tells me we're over but, before she kicked me out we were engaged, had a baby on the way and her son called me dad. 

I dont know where I stand? I love her more then I've loved anyone and cant believe how it has gone so bad so quick.

what do i do?

[antlen]

I have been kicked out of my house by my partner who has BPD.  At the time she said it wasn't going to be permanent and that we needed the break.  After a few days, I agreed that we needed the break.  It's now been 5 weeks and there has been barely any contact between us.  I have been forced to give notice to the landlord as I cant afford to pay two rents and we have a baby on the way.  I have tried reasoning with my partner but she isn't interested in talking about whats happening, all she wants to do is bury her head in the sand.

We have met up a few times since I got kicked out and she has been lovely, like she was when we first started dating.  She tells me we're over but, before she kicked me out we were engaged, had a baby on the way and her son called me dad. 

I dont know where I stand? I love her more then I've loved anyone and cant believe how it has gone so bad so quick.

what do i do?

[nomoremommyfood]

I'm really new on this board but couldn't help reading this post and just feeling awful for you.

I don't feel qualified to give advice and don't want to say the wrong thing, but I felt bad seeing this desperate post linger in cyberspace. So I'm hoping someone else will come through with something helpful.

Unless I misunderstood, she kicked you out of a home where you were, in fact, paying the rent? Did you cut off the lease on that apartment or where you moved? I guess the best I can say - if your SO has BPD - is to continue giving her space and letting her come to you, perhaps occasionally reaching out with slight friendly reminders. My person with BPD is male, so I'm not sure if there's a gender difference, but stepping back until he's ready to come forward has sometimes helped.

[antlen]

We moved in with her mum.  I was paying rent, but as of today have cancelled the tenancy agreement.  I dont know what they are going to do ie move out or stay put. 

I think she needs to know that I'm not a pushover.  All her previous partners have been.  But its killing me, I cant see her, talk to her, play with our son, feel baby kick or plan for wedding.  I feel like my world has been destroyed.

I dont know BPD well  enough, but is giving SO cold shoulder a good idea?

[Bulgakov]

I'm also pretty new here and I certainly don't have a grasp on my relationship with a pwBPD. I can tell you that I have experienced times when the cold shoulder gave her the space to cool down and I have also had the experience of being thrown to the wolves for not knowing how to respond to a text within an hour, or five minutes to boot. I feel like there is no consistency.

I will also say, that being seen as a pushover (maybe someone else can back me up here) would make it worse for you. By not allowing yourself to be unfairly manipulated, putting your foot down, you are setting boundaries that will show how far you are willing to go. I know there are boards here on setting and keeping boundaries and other tools of that sort for dealing with a pwBPD.

[VenusAndMars]

I'm also pretty new here and I certainly don't have a grasp on my relationship with a pwBPD. I can tell you that I have experienced times when the cold shoulder gave her the space to cool down and I have also had the experience of being thrown to the wolves for not knowing how to respond to a text within an hour, or five minutes to boot. I feel like there is no consistency.

I will also say, that being seen as a pushover (maybe someone else can back me up here) would make it worse for you. By not allowing yourself to be unfairly manipulated, putting your foot down, you are setting boundaries that will show how far you are willing to go. I know there are boards here on setting and keeping boundaries and other tools of that sort for dealing with a pwBPD.

I'm also a newbie to this board but have been living with my BPD partner for 25 years, and I have to agree with the post above. I have lost count of the number of times my wife has tried to boot me out the door. Only once was I almost ready to leave, but fortunately I got my head back on straight before I did. Just try not to internalize too much of what she says. My wife continuously says that I am the cause of everything bad in her life, but I know better. In fact, I know it's mostly the opposite. I do have my weaknesses and she often comes up on the short end of my failures, but what spouse doesn't? The most important part of anything I do is simply to be consistent and firm. She can threaten me all she wants but my reaction is always the same. Sometimes I have to sit and listen to her go on and on for hours as she tries to justify everything she's demanding from me. But after it's all over (sometimes it's days later) she knows that I'm not leaving, we're not getting divorced, and that I am sorry and will keep trying to do better. After all, I'm only human and all humans make mistakes.

Try to find one of her better days and tell her that the "break" is over and give her all the reasons why you need to be back in her every day life. You need to tell her where it is you stand and convince her of why she needs you there. As the pregnancy goes on she will need you even more, and you should tell her what it is you can and will do for her when those times come. Try to remind her of "the good things" about the two of you. If you need to resort to her tactics, then tell her it doesn't have to be permanent and that you will just stay until the baby is born. Then after that you will be able to find many more reasons why you should stay, especially if she has any PPD. Which, by the way, will be very challenging for you and her and you better get prepared for it. Better to be prepared and not need it than to not be prepared and get surprised. BPD and severe PP depression are awful bedfellows.

But that's later. For now, focus on re-establishing yourself as someone who offers her something that she really needs. None of this is easy, but if you are anything like me, 25 years and many kids later, it will all be worth it.

[raindancer]

Antlen

If you are going to try to continue to be in a r/s with her, then take this time while you are on a "break" to learn about BPD and all the dynamics of a r/s with someone who has BPD. Get to know yourself and who you are.

To me, it sounds like everything in your post is urgent and needs to be signed, sealed, delivered yesterday in terms of having it figured out. I have to ask, is that for your benefit or hers? Relax. For two reasons. One because decisions made in haste are usually the stuff of regrets later. And two because time changes things, it opens doors of opportunity to communicate and establish what will be what when the time is right. To me, your post sounds like an "I'm right, she's wrong" situation which is not healthy for either of you.

She lives with her Mom, so for now she has a support system which is good (even if it's a crappy support system, it's still a good thing). She is pregnant - babies come with a due date, so that's not going to happen overnight either. Stress and pressure are not going to benefit the baby, and the baby is the only priority at this time.

If you want to do things for her that let her know you love her, care for her and are there for her - put the ideas out there in a non-me-centred way that you would like to be part of ultrasounds and other appointments in regards to the baby, let her know if she is moving you will help with that, let her know expenses in relation to the baby are things you'll help with (even vitamins are expensive).

Offer this without expectation of getting into discussions about what you want or need. That sounds unfair but, again, right now the new life coming into this world is the priority. Don't use the baby as an excuse to get to her to figure out what you need - put it in perspective, you are going to be a Dad and the baby is the most important person (person, not a tool or a bargaining chip) on earth right now.

Being pregnant is an emotional time, more so for a person with BPD. Space and time may be all she needs - change and BPD are not always a good mix to begin with. Having a baby is monumental change. She could be in a world of confusion, uncertainty and fear for what's to come. Pressure to have everything nailed down and figured out won't help - time, space might.

Punishing this girl with the cold shoulder isn't going to fix what she's going through; it just creates a push/pull control spiral that can spin real fast in a negative direction. Seriously the last thing she needs and especially this baby needs.

Instead take this time to put in place healthy things like finding an apartment for yourself (if she chooses to join you there later, cross that bridge at the time), establishing yourself on the assumption it may be as a part-time Dad, learn about what you can do for yourself (the more you help yourself, the more you can help others) to make this a good world to bring a little one into.

Offer your SO the help she needs and deserves as a Mom-to-be, but also make yourself someone who is ready to be a Dad.

[antlen]

raindancer:  me and you think alike.  I have learnt over the past 5 weeks, that no matter how bad I want us to be back together, it will take time and space.  I also purchased a book called 'loving someone with borderline personality disorder' a week or so before I got forced out.  I have slowly been making my through the book, in an attempt to understand my SO better and also to maybe learn how to improve how I act around her.  I have told her that, if the baby needs anything or she does then all she has todo is let me know, and there will be no pressure on me and her getting back together.  She hasnt spoke to anyone about why we 'splitup'.  I think it might be pregnancy on top of BPD, and me pushing and demanding will not help anyone.  I am moving back in with my mum soon, so I can save money for when the baby comes.  At my mums we have everything baby needs so, hopefully I am prepared for the worse.  But I really hope it doesnt come to that. 

venusandmars:  I have tried to convince her why I should be back there, so that I can help her with the pregnancy, but nothing has come of it.  She had PND with her first son, and from what I understand it was very severe.  I hope that this will not happen again, but I have to be realistic and prepare for the worst. 

I can only offer help and tell her that I'm there for her so many times.  She doesn't reply to my messages and we haven't spoken in over a week.  I would like to see her but feel that it may do more harm than good.  Her mum is claiming that I just washed my hands with the whole situation and should have offered some financial support rent wise despite the living arrangements. 

[Vanillaradio]

antlen,

My heart breaks for you. I will keep your family in prayer. Hang in there.

I think you got some good advice in giving space, not pushing and getting educated on what you will be dealing with in one fashion or another for a very long while, even in sharing custody. BPD is so fear based and I agree, she had many changes coming at her at once. And the one thing we know is that BPers will push away the ones they desperately want and need out of fear of abandonment.Kind of a pre-preemptive strike, if you will.

I wish your mother-in-law was more educated on BP but she sounds like she is in an enabling place. But then again BPers can lie and manipulate very well so it would also be very hard to know what she is being told about you and the situation. It would be grand if you get the chance to clear it up with her and I hope that happens, but she may not be able to hear yet. Hopefully a book or some info may be accepted, if nothing else for the children's sake. While you hope and pray for the best and work to get educated, I think if you were my son I would also feel obligated to tell you to prepare for the worst as well. There are books on custody/divorce and splitting with BPers. I think it would be important info to have so you are not unprepared. Also, the info on children raised by untreated Bpers. You will have to consider what will be best for your child if she still refuses treatment.

My heart really hurts for you. I will keep you and your child in prayer. Be good to yourself!

[antlen]

Vanillaradio: What do you mean BPers will push away the ones they desperately want and need?  Would she do this, in fear that I would leave her eventually?  If so is there anything I can do to prove to her that's not the case?

Once I've finished this book I'm going to lend it to her mum, because she claims that she doesn't understand her sometimes either.  Do you have any links to these books about custody/divorce with BPer's?

[raindancer]

Second answer first - there are links to custody/divorce issues on the main board.

If you search under family law/custody/divorce with your state or province (depending where you live) on google, bing or yahoo search there will be links to sites for specific laws in your area regarding custody and support.

Where I live, BPD (or any mental health) cannot be used in grounds for custody - sole or joint. I'm not sure about anywhere else.

First answer second - "BPers will push away the ones they desperately want and need?"

Yes, many BPDs push away the ones who mean the most to them.

It has to do with the fear of abandonment - if they push you away then it's them leaving you (upper hand, control), not you leaving them (abandonment).

and other issues including

push/pull - they want you there and give you a million reasons to stay, then use those exact same reasons against you to push you away.

splitting - they see as either all good or all bad.

fear of change, poor adjustment to change - this is confusing, fearful for them even if the change is positive or growth

self-harming, self-defeating - they really believe they are not worthy of being loved even though they desperately want love.

There are lots of very complex, intertwined reasons for this. There may be a root for why the person does this, but even if you find the reason (or think you have) it does not mean it will fix the person who does this. Thinking that finding the reason will fix the problem is the same as going on a search for the mythological fountain of youth - many have tried, most have dedicated a futile existance to it and all have failed.

There are therapies that can help, but trying to fix a PBD alone with no help or extensive knowledge yourself could make you just as messed up as them. Just when you think you get one thing about them, they morph into someone else and you have to start all over again.

All you can do is read a lot about them and have an understanding of it, set your own limits on what you can accept and are willing to live with, and work on staying healthy in spirit and mind yourself.

Sorry - long answers to short questions, but that is the nature of BPD... . where you see one ant, there's 10 million you don't see

[antlen]

Hi raindancer,

That confirms what someone told me a few days ago.  That my ex doesn't hate me and the only reason she is mad at me is because I'm not playing her little game and that she still loves me.

I have learnt that she needs to be given limits as to what I am willing to do and will put up with.  Her mum needs to do this to her too as she does make her worse.  But there is no getting through to her about that. 

I'm prepared for baby my end ie cot, car seat, clothes etc.  I'm starting to look into having to go to court etc just hoping it wont come to that.  I'd like for us to be able to be atleast civil for the kids sake