Moment of weakness which I now seriously regret

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'd been doing really well all week. I'd had a small amount of email contact with my BPDex, during which I was able to keep an emotional distance, refuse to be bated into a fight (and it wasn't for lack of him trying), use non-invalidating "I" statements. And then, Friday night, I was at a show and saw him dancing three feet away from me.

Because he and I run in a lot of the same circles, I can either not attend events that I really enjoy, or deal with seeing him. So far, I've chosen to deal with seeing him (which is the main reason I've maintained any contact at all - it would make everything a lot easier for me if he could manage to not be a complete dick when we run into each other). But I'm still not used to it, and I was caught off-guard. It just hit me like a punch in the face.

I know he saw me, and I know that when he did, his face turned into that terrible angry mask. I stayed on the other side of the club for the rest of the night, talking to friends, trying not to look in his direction. But of course I kept watching, and getting more and more upset. I had one more drink than I should have. When I got home, I sent him a text saying that it had been really hard for me to see him, especially when he gave me that angry look. He said, oh, I thought I caught a glimpse of a striped dress and hair flowers that reminded me of you, but I was busy dancing and didn't think anything more of it. This went back and forth for awhile. I asked him, are you happier without me? He wouldn't answer. I asked him again. He said that he didn't measure out happiness, his life was more complex than that... .  anyway, he was busy, he had to get his career back on track. I said, I agree. So why are you dating other people? Dumbest thing I could have said, right? He shut down completely after that.

When I woke up, I felt really bad. I mean, I'm the Non, I should have more self-control than that, right? So I texted him again, apologizing. For some reason, THAT was what made him snap. He lit into me... .  I was the one who went crazy, he could never trust me again, if he ever went back to me his friends would all worry about him, I wrecked everything, so what business did I have acting all clueless about it?

Aaaaand I took that bait like the stupidest, starvingest hunted animal imaginable. At this point, I guess, if I was thinking at all, I thought, well, there's nothing to lose now. I listed the things I'd put up with from him - the push-pulling, the sudden rages, the projecting, the other girls thrown in my face, the fact that I *never knew* who I was going to get - I'd have my sweet boy for weeks, and then suddenly that snarling beast replaced him, and I *never, ever knew* when that would happen.

And you know what? For about an hour, I felt great. I'd kept so much bottled up for so long, not wanting to do or say anything that might piss him off, rock the boat, get twisted around and used against me later. And worst of all, when we were together, I really believed what he said, that it was me who was the problem, that his anger wasn't as bad as I made it sound, that he'd been nothing but honest and straightforward and I was the one who kept shifting boundaries on him. And I'm going to be honest here - I was *glad* to have told him off. It was a relief, and I just thought, somewhere, deep down inside, he knows that I'm telling the truth.

But of course, that high didn't last, and now I've just felt like - oh god, I did it AGAIN. I got sucked into another fight that he can use to tell himself (and anyone else who cares to listen) that I'm a crazy bhit who says horrible things to him and that he was right not to trust me.

I've realized that it's very, very difficult for me to always remember that I'm wasting my time and energy trying to deal with him like a person who doesn't have BPD. Because, of course, he IS, in fact, a person with BPD (albeit undiagnosed). And - there's some part of me that still kind of thinks, well... .  but... .  couldn't he just try to, you know, NOT have BPD?

So maybe he's right not to trust me. As hard as I tried - and I always tried as hard as I could to do the best for him - I will always come up short. I am not a person who can keep my own feelings bottled up for very long without having them come rushing out in the worst way possible. I'm not a patient enough person. I've got ADD, depression, and (as I am just now learning) some serious codependency issues - if there is a woman out there who might be able to deal with him, it is not me.

I miss him. I fell for him so hard, and even with all the crap he put me through (and it was a LOT of crap), I still think about the good times longingly. The hardest thing for me has been trying to reach a point where I can completely accept the fact that I fell in love with a man who has a serious mental illness, and that it's not some character flaw that he can change if he tries hard enough. And - he has tried. For me. For an honest attempt at making things work with me. I've tried to tell him that I see that now, and that I appreciate those attempts more than I can say, but no matter what I say to him, it only provokes another fight.

[PaintedBird]

I'd been doing really well all week. I'd had a small amount of email contact with my BPDex, during which I was able to keep an emotional distance, refuse to be bated into a fight (and it wasn't for lack of him trying), use non-invalidating "I" statements. And then, Friday night, I was at a show and saw him dancing three feet away from me.

Because he and I run in a lot of the same circles, I can either not attend events that I really enjoy, or deal with seeing him. So far, I've chosen to deal with seeing him (which is the main reason I've maintained any contact at all - it would make everything a lot easier for me if he could manage to not be a complete dick when we run into each other). But I'm still not used to it, and I was caught off-guard. It just hit me like a punch in the face.

I know he saw me, and I know that when he did, his face turned into that terrible angry mask. I stayed on the other side of the club for the rest of the night, talking to friends, trying not to look in his direction. But of course I kept watching, and getting more and more upset. I had one more drink than I should have. When I got home, I sent him a text saying that it had been really hard for me to see him, especially when he gave me that angry look. He said, oh, I thought I caught a glimpse of a striped dress and hair flowers that reminded me of you, but I was busy dancing and didn't think anything more of it. This went back and forth for awhile. I asked him, are you happier without me? He wouldn't answer. I asked him again. He said that he didn't measure out happiness, his life was more complex than that... .  anyway, he was busy, he had to get his career back on track. I said, I agree. So why are you dating other people? Dumbest thing I could have said, right? He shut down completely after that.

When I woke up, I felt really bad. I mean, I'm the Non, I should have more self-control than that, right? So I texted him again, apologizing. For some reason, THAT was what made him snap. He lit into me... .  I was the one who went crazy, he could never trust me again, if he ever went back to me his friends would all worry about him, I wrecked everything, so what business did I have acting all clueless about it?

Aaaaand I took that bait like the stupidest, starvingest hunted animal imaginable. At this point, I guess, if I was thinking at all, I thought, well, there's nothing to lose now. I listed the things I'd put up with from him - the push-pulling, the sudden rages, the projecting, the other girls thrown in my face, the fact that I *never knew* who I was going to get - I'd have my sweet boy for weeks, and then suddenly that snarling beast replaced him, and I *never, ever knew* when that would happen.

And you know what? For about an hour, I felt great. I'd kept so much bottled up for so long, not wanting to do or say anything that might piss him off, rock the boat, get twisted around and used against me later. And worst of all, when we were together, I really believed what he said, that it was me who was the problem, that his anger wasn't as bad as I made it sound, that he'd been nothing but honest and straightforward and I was the one who kept shifting boundaries on him. And I'm going to be honest here - I was *glad* to have told him off. It was a relief, and I just thought, somewhere, deep down inside, he knows that I'm telling the truth.

But of course, that high didn't last, and now I've just felt like - oh god, I did it AGAIN. I got sucked into another fight that he can use to tell himself (and anyone else who cares to listen) that I'm a crazy bhit who says horrible things to him and that he was right not to trust me.

I've realized that it's very, very difficult for me to always remember that I'm wasting my time and energy trying to deal with him like a person who doesn't have BPD. Because, of course, he IS, in fact, a person with BPD (albeit undiagnosed). And - there's some part of me that still kind of thinks, well... .  but... .  couldn't he just try to, you know, NOT have BPD?

So maybe he's right not to trust me. As hard as I tried - and I always tried as hard as I could to do the best for him - I will always come up short. I am not a person who can keep my own feelings bottled up for very long without having them come rushing out in the worst way possible. I'm not a patient enough person. I've got ADD, depression, and (as I am just now learning) some serious codependency issues - if there is a woman out there who might be able to deal with him, it is not me.

I miss him. I fell for him so hard, and even with all the crap he put me through (and it was a LOT of crap), I still think about the good times longingly. The hardest thing for me has been trying to reach a point where I can completely accept the fact that I fell in love with a man who has a serious mental illness, and that it's not some character flaw that he can change if he tries hard enough. And - he has tried. For me. For an honest attempt at making things work with me. I've tried to tell him that I see that now, and that I appreciate those attempts more than I can say, but no matter what I say to him, it only provokes another fight.