Anti-Depressant (for us, not them)

[MockingbirdHL]

My dBPDh suggested to me when I spoke to her last week that I consider an anti-depressant or SSRI. For myself. Not because I'm depressed, she said (although sometimes I feel like I might be) but because if you are going to be in a relationship with a pwBPD then you'll need something to help you cope.

Thoughts?

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[arabella]

Huh. It's interesting that she (he?) has this sort of insight and concern for your well-being. That's a nice gesture.

As for actually taking an anti-dep or other medication to help you cope... .  That is something you need to discuss with a medical professional. There is no point in taking an anti-dep if you aren't depressed and, in fact, doing so can cause all sorts of unwanted side-effects. There are other things you can do to help you cope though: eat properly, get enough sleep, exercise, therapy, etc.

[MockingbirdHL]

She suggested it and asked me to consider talking it over with my doctor. I did. My doctor is very aware of my situation with my dBPDh and all that's been going on. She prescribed 10mg instead of the usual 20mg dosage and thought it would help.

I don't typically take medicine. Don't even have things like ibuprofen, aspirin etc at home so this is a big thing for me. I've filled the prescription but not taken it yet.

[arabella]

Well, if your doctor thinks it's a good idea then I would go with that professional assessment. If you aren't comfortable with taking the medication, which I could certainly understand, perhaps you could go back to your doctor and ask if there are other options you could try first?

I don't know anything about your current health or basic state of mind so I can't really tell you what would be best. I've not had great experiences with SSRIs myself but I know others who have been helped a lot by taking them. Regardless of whether you decide to take the medication or not, what else are you doing for your mental health? Maybe we can offer some suggestions to augment whatever you and your doctor decide on.

[MockingbirdHL]

I just read my initial post and I left out one important word ... .   

My dBPDh's THERAPIST suggested ... .  

Lol sorry

[arabella]

I just read my initial post and I left out one important word ... .   

My dBPDh's THERAPIST suggested ... .  

Lol sorry

OHHH! That makes so much more sense! First of all I was thinking, wow, your dBPDh really sees how hard this is on you - that's great! Then I was trying to figure out why you kept referring to your husband as "her". Phew. Got it now! haha

Okay, so back to you again... .  What else are you doing to help with the depressive symptoms and potential burnout?

[aspiegirl23]

Actually, it isn't such a bad idea.

I have recently started a course of antidepressants. I have Asperger's and hence also have anxiety and depression with it.

I have to say it has helped me LOTS with how I cope with my husband!

Before hand I would get totally caught up in all the emotions and have lots of Aspie meltdowns and panic attacks.

Since taking the antidepressants, I have been better at separating myself from my husband's behaviour and I see it a LOT more objectively... .

It hasn't solved everything, but it HAS made it easier.

[MockingbirdHL]

I'm going to try this low dose they gave me; it's getting harder and harder to keep it together the longer this goes on.

[Rockylove]

I'm going to try this low dose they gave me; it's getting harder and harder to keep it together the longer this goes on.

  I know the feeling.  There are times when it's just flat out exhausting!  I'm not a huge advocate for taking Rx meds.  I do take an herbal supplement that helps calm my nerves, but it's not a cure-all.  I have to continually work at maintaining my sanity and composure during the rough times.  The supplement is just that~~a supplement.  It's something which helps me stay calm so I can keep focused.  I hope that the meds help, but don't stop there... .  keep reading the lessons and books that are suggested here, too.  They have helped me get a better understanding of the things I have to work on in order to keep myself from going down with the ship.

[arabella]

Agreed with Rockylove. Medication is meant to cure a physical ailment - it will not alleviate ongoing stressors. An SSRI, for example, will help with a serotonin deficiency in the brain but, unless your brain chemistry was off to begin with, it won't actually do anything beneficial. Trying to medicate through a situation like the ones we're in is a bit like giving anti-anxiety meds to a person in a war zone. The key is to leave the city before the air raid, not to take valium in an attempt to sleep through it (which likely wouldn't work anyway).

You've got nothing to lose by trying the rx. Just don't pin your hopes on that. And remember that the real healing is going to be psychological, not physical. Hopefully the meds will help you get into a frame of mind to do the work you need to get you through!

[Althea]

With Lexapro, I have been able to stay through the worst.  Our family is now operating and blooming the best it ever has.  Changes within him, and me.  However, I know I wouldn't have had the strength to stay without the help of the rx.  And I would have missed this beautiful time in my families life.

[MockingbirdHL]

Arabella - I am not one for taking medications, so I know this is not the be all and end all solution by a long way.  I'm hoping it can help me get into a frame of mind where I can think a little more clearly and unemotionally about this whole situation; if that is even possible.  I can't be sitting at my desk at work crying anymore.

Althea - that's what they prescribed me.  Its only been a day and my doctor said I should take it for six months, and that it might take a week or two to feel the effects.

[Althea]

The first two weeks were not fun, but it was so worth sticking with it.  I pray you find what works best for you and remember there is no shame in self care.   

[Wishful thinking]

I am married to BPDH and am also a depressant. I know... .  its a lethal combination! At least so we've been told.

Anyways. If it wasnt for my anti depressants (I'm on Zoloft SR) I would not have been able to cope. It kinda makes me less sensitive on the emotions at times but tears often flow when things are over the top.

So yes it helps to become more resilient but its definately no "cure"

[Cloudy Days]

I'm not one for taking meds either. I've seen people take them and pretty much have a nervous break down while taking them. Have you ever thought about getting yourself therapy to help cope with things. My husbands therapist has suggested to him that I get therapy for myself. My husband actually does not take meds and has shown a ton of improvement with therapy alone. So therapy could help us too. I'm starting this month and am going to see her once or twice a month.

[arabella]

I also recommend investing in high quality tissues for home and office. I'm not even kidding. Those little things make a difference and they are part of the self-care package. Every little things counts!

I'd also recommend a daily mood journal (if you don't already have one). It's good for tracking what's going on with the r/s but it's also good for tracking how the medication is affecting you. Sometimes it's very hard to see the changes when you're living in it - especially if the medication is altering your perception to some extent. I personally ended up exceptionally irritable/angry while taking a particular SSRI (not Lexapro) but I didn't know I was getting that way, or I thought it was just normal for me, until a friend pointed it out. Oops! In my H's case, he didn't notice he was getting better until he looked back and saw how miserable he was in previous journal entries - he really didn't remember it being that bad!

[MockingbirdHL]

Cloudy Days - I have seen a T several times, and need to keep going I know.  My H cannot take meds at all due to his job - for the first time ever I am considering suggesting a change in careers to him if we are to continue, because things are just getting worse.  However, he stopped T about three months ago ... .  I truly believe if he went back, it would help.  One phone call is all the contact he has had with his T in the last three months and that occurred just last week.  I am hoping he goes and sees her this week sometime.

Arabella - I have always journaled.  Of course earlier this year I found out that H found them and read them ... .    :'(  So now I have to hide them (thought they were hidden before) or take them everywhere with me. 

[arabella]

Arabella - I have always journaled.  Of course earlier this year I found out that H found them and read them ... .    :'(  So now I have to hide them (thought they were hidden before) or take them everywhere with me. 

Oh no! That's terrible. My H isn't interested in my journal for whatever reason. I do have a small locked box here though, it's fireproof and that's my excuse for having it - maybe you could get something like that? I know, not ideal, but we all need to have our own private 'space'.

[MockingbirdHL]

Terrible is exactly what it is ... .  during his downward spiral (of which I was essentially unaware) he read my journals, went through my phone calls / texts / emails for the past three plus years, everything.  Looking for his "evidence".  I had no idea.  He would do this while he was home and I was at work.  He would keep up appearances when we were together (for the most part) and then apparently fall apart when he was out of town at work (all the time texting me as if nothing was wrong).

That's one of my biggest issues with his behavior ... .  he says "Its takes something like this to make you take things seriously!" and I say, something like what?  you leaving?  I've always taken things seriously, but if you don't TELL me or SHOW me that there is a problem, how do I know there is a problem?  You haven't been honest in your actions to me.  Show me its serious and I will take it seriously.

So now when things are "good" I never can tell if they really are or not.

Not once did I yell and scream HOW DARE YOU DO THAT?  Not once.

[arabella]

Ah, yup, familiar. In retrospect, I suppose I could see the beginning of the spiral down, I just didn't realize that's what it was at the time. I thought he was a little moody or depressed but chalked it up to the holidays. As you gain some distance you'll probably have a clearer idea of the warning signs in case there is a 'next time' - don't sell yourself short on your power to know when something is wrong. That said, don't beat yourself up for not knowing - he purposely hid things from you and that is NOT your fault. The detaching with love helps a lot (or at least it has for me).

Your restraint is probably a lot more than I could have shown. I'd be ranting and raving! He was looking for evidence of something that wasn't there to begin with. Paranoia is a wretched beast. I password protected everything and if he asks I point out that he wouldn't even know if he wasn't snooping.

Do you have a plan for how to cope with all of this going forward?

[MockingbirdHL]

I too chalked his moodiness up to the holidays - he doesn't handle holidays or important dates very well at all.

I've put a password on my phone.  Still I delete all texts and everything, and I am talking about ones between me and my girlfriends about nothing, just in case, because it seems he CAN make something out of nothing.  Changed passwords on everything, delete emails and everything.  Sometimes I am really careful about what I say on the phone because now I am paranoid that he has bugged the phone (he did this to his exw) or tracking my calls or whatever.  Its ridiculous the state I have gotten myself into!

I used to rant and rave. It got me nowhere.  But I still want to, I just don't when he is like this.  I would rather address it with a T in a neutral environment if I am given the chance.  He seems a lot more receptive that way.  When he sent me that text the other night about realizing that he had been reacting strictly to emotion I felt so hopeful ... .  but then no more progress since then.  It was like a step forward and then a step backwards, but I guess I should look at it as a step forward and then staying in the same place?

I want to shout at him - YOUR DOCTOR THINKS I NEED TO BE MEDICATED TO STAY WITH YOU!

I DO need to get one of those safe boxes.  He has one - its one of the things he took with him when he disappeared last Thursday.  I have no idea what is in it.  Probably birth certificate and things like that?  I have things like that, passports, etc, pretty well consolidated in one place, but not secure at all.  Probably best to get one in case, God forbid, there is a fire or something.

If he comes home, I will keep everything the way it is, as for security and privacy and everything.  I figure if he wants to looik for something, he is going to find it through his own invention, so its not like I can ever predict what his "evidence" is going to be.  it might be that I wore a certain dress to work, or I looked at my phone one too many times, or, who knows?

My biggest fear right now?  He finds THIS FORUM.

[arabella]

I want to shout at him - YOUR DOCTOR THINKS I NEED TO BE MEDICATED TO STAY WITH YOU!

I'm sorry but ! Isn't it crazy though? I got told I have mild PTSD from dealing with this.

What is he looking for evidence of exactly? He's trying to accuse you of being unfaithful? Something else? Does he even know?

I've seen quite a few people post about being afraid their pwBPD will find this forum. It makes me nervous too. But, in my case, I'm not entirely sure why it makes me anxious? If he found me here, what difference would it really make? But I'm still worried. And I still hide it. And I picked a user name and graphic that wouldn't ring any bells for him. I think I've kind lost a lot of my marbles over the past 6 months... .  And, of course, there's the fleas

[MockingbirdHL]

It's crazy. I know.

He's looking for evidence that I've been unfaithful. He's convinced that I have already or I am going to cheat on him. Why?  His ex wife did. Fourteen years ago.

I haven't. Never even crossed my mind. I love HIM and only him. Why can't he accept that?

I hope I picked a user name he wouldn't recognize. Maybe he would. I'm not sure. Maybe I should change it. Or my graphic. Or both. Lol

[arabella]

I haven't. Never even crossed my mind. I love HIM and only him. Why can't he accept that?

Fear of abandonment? Projection? Random paranoia exacerbated by a previous traumatic experience? Who knows? Sometimes I think my H comes up with things just to give himself something to focus on.

I hope I picked a user name he wouldn't recognize. Maybe he would. I'm not sure. Maybe I should change it. Or my graphic. Or both. Lol

Haha! I've had the same thoughts. I spend a lot of time second-guessing myself these days. You can see how the marbles go missing.

[MockingbirdHL]

I'm pretty sure it's all of the above, Arabella.

I'm also pretty sure he couldn't guess my user name just right out of the clear blue sky, but if he got on this forum and started randomly reading it wouldn't take long if he read my posts to work out it was me.

I wonder what he would do. I'm not sure. I haven't said anything here that's not true, nor anything that he doesn't know about of hasnt heard before.