do i inform the new guy of the BPD issues

[whatisthetruth]

it was suggested i re post this here

  the new guy isnt "in" yet... .  they are in contact and she's weaving her spell.

they meet this wednesday - its a long distance thing

so this is pre-honeymoon phase

do i - or rather -

  Would you give someone the heads up to do a background check on the BPD?

My BPD... .  has an arrest record for shoplifting, bankruptcy history, huge debt ... .  so a background check could save this guy or give him pause.

Should i?

i could do so rather anonymously and she couldn't prove i gave him a heads up... .  

what do you think - need to know asap your thoughts - he flies out this week

[whatisthetruth]

aaaaand thanks in advance for your insight - much appreciated 

she is super charming... .  intoxicating as i recall - from the early days

once he's in - he's screwed so to speak

hite

[Adanedhel]

I don't think you should warn the new guy, but instead, warn her and let her know what she need to do in order to get this relashionship work. Basically, tell her that if she lie and cheat and don't go to a therapist, this new relationship will fail too.

Borderliners are not bad people. They deserve to be happy, and the key is to let them know that they need to change. Not to warn everyone in the world to stay away from them.

[fakename]

I can only answer for myself.

For me, it's none of my business what my ex or any of her new bf's do with their lives.

No one warned me and I would have kept it that way cause it carried important learning experiences for me. Which, while may have sidelined me for a bit in life, I'm a whole lot better off.

If I think clearly, I would be aware that I would t get anything out of warning anyone new in her life. It would just be a manipulative attempt on my part to keep her near and temporarily avoid the inevitable

[whatisthetruth]

thanks for your opinions

i can appreciate being called to the carpet - but that being said - rest assured it's not a manipulative way to keep her close to me.  I'm trying to get out of an abusive situation and kids are attached and involved and the circumstances are very complex.  So i do not have an attachment to staying in this nor do i want to "keep her close". 

after about 30k in loss in the last year and a half; watching her hit her kids in rages; the way she morphs when she drinks... .  and how utterly cruel she can be when she cycles... .  I cannot imagine watching another person make the same mistake. 

i have no desire to hurt her - i don't. and i won't.  the truth is - she'll find another.  warning anyone is a moot point.

the issue here - is that she is oblivious to the trauma and pain she causes - or indifferent.  I'm not certain if this is an issue of her "cycling" thru peaks and valleys or one that is more premeditated.

i am buddhist and i want nothing but to see her well.  I also cannot change her denial. so my hands are tied.

if someone had told me these things before i was hooked into her manipulations... .  i would've noted it. 

doesn't mean i would've done it differently bc i too believe that EVERYONE deserves a chance - or 10. 

but... . maybe had someone warned me... .  i wouldn't have gotten so sucked in that it really wrecked parts of my world to feed her need.  and yes im looking at why i allowed that to happen in the first place.

and that is absolutely the only reason i would ever warn anyone.  bc i honestly do not think for a second that she cares beyond "what is in it for her"

this has been helpful - and im grateful for the input.

we all have our own paths to walk - and everything is a learning experience. 

but i absolutely know i would've been better off having not met this woman.  her dark side is truly toxic and deeply hurtful. but she is untreated and in denial as well.

[bpdlover]

I found out that she recently married. All I feel is a large amount of concern for the new object. I'm well over her and the marriage is no surprise. This is her second (that I know of) and she has children from her first plus our alleged child that she alienated me from and I haven't seen for three and a half years and she may well be pregnant again. It is not really our place to warn anybody. It will come off as black and white as they split us. We would all be better off without toxic relationships such as these but in my case, aside from her, I also hold her parents responsible for a large amount of the damage. They do not listen without prejudice, encourage her to use the legal system abusively and believe her lies to create scapegoats. What she did to me should be punishable by law. It was pure manipulation.

[fakename]

It's funnier that earlier today I was actually thinking that I would have been much better off having never getting involved with her. (Should have listened to my mom)

But what has happened has happened and I don't want to regret it entirely. I learned a lot. About myself and how good of a person I can be.

I also learned about myself when my ugly side would come out years ago. If I didn't grow through this learning process, I don't thi k I would have gotten rid of that.

I just believe I am in many ways better off today mentally and spiritually because of those experiences and so for me I don't care what he does or who she brings into her life and how she affects them. I am not responsible for their lives. I have to I Lu be responsible for me own and I only have enough energy to care for the people in my life who treat me as well as I treat them. And don't have multiple personalities - ha!

I'm sorry to hear hat your kids had to go through. I hope you can help repar the damage.

I don't know how you would do that, but in the case of me getting over the pain of my breakup, learning and being able to understand and focusing on improving myself had allowed me to think clearly and bring rational thinking back into my life. (At one point I was as crazy and irrational as her)

[GlennT]

I was warned by several people, one being a mental health care professional to stay away. I did not listen to them all. I had to experience massive amounts of pain myself before I got it together, and finially ejected :'( I believe BPD should be made more aware of by Folks we know and care about. I thank God for this site for knowledge and support. They move from victim to victim, and they are hard to resist with NC. They seem to be hell bent on damaging others like themselves also. Making us do the therapy they should do even more than us.  In a perfect world, all their ex's would discuss BPD with us, and what they went through, then, perhaps, there would'nt be as many victims. However, I don't think we would do anything about what they were trying to warn us about until the toxins accumulated, and by that time, we may be to deeply emeshed in a trauma bond. That is why knowledge of BPD is important . Studying those red flags, being able to see through their seductive flattery, victimhood, and manipulations in time to be strong enough to withdraw from their force-field from the start.

[Clearmind]

No not your role. You played the role of rescuer when you were with your ex - now its maybe time to find a way to move out of this role and look after yourself.

The only reason we tend to want to tell the new partner is to save them from the pain - they won't listen - would you? - he/she deserves to go on a journey all of their own - they have some learning in their future just like you do.

[ForeverDad]

Another factor to consider is whether you're truly away from her and can go NC (no contact).  If you have children together and have years of co-parenting attempts ahead of you or possibly a difficult divorce ahead, then consider how that affects the equation.

Another factor is whether you know the new person.  However, as the others have commented, many people just can't grasp the concept that it could have been THAT bad and harsh experience is the way they learn (maybe).

However, if the new partner knows you or asks you, you may decide to pass along some limited information, even if only the title of Stop Walking On Eggshells.

[bewildered2]

would you have listened if you had been warned?

b2

[whatisthetruth]

Ahh - thanks for chiming in everyone. 

Everyone here is spot on.    It's been a week - she cycled up into "love land" then back into "hate land"... . with me.  Im exhausted. 

So where do i come when suffering her hatred? Here.

So you are probably wondering - did I tell him? Nope. 

BUT - If he asks - I will absolutely drop a few solid references to help the schmuck out.  Especially given I am the last schmuck.   

We all definitely have our own walks this lifetime.

Just noticing that Everyone who responded here has a little different placement on the healing curve and I am just beginning and not quite extracted from the home yet.

It's complex and messy.  You know her whole family is in therapy (im not judging bc i am too now) her siblings, etc... . i feel pissed at her parents too.  They all have something going on.  If she were cognizant of what was going on and participating in the healing journey with open eyes I think I would be willing to walk with her... . but she is utterly in denial and projecting everything onto me.   :'(

The kids break my heart though... . they aren't even mine... . but they notice her inconsistencies... . and cling to me... . and kids need strength and clarity - fairness.  They are only 5. ugh.  I imagine that this must be what she endured as a child of her mother... . so i have compassion - mixed with anger - and profound sadness. And... . being here on this site will help.  It has already.

[Clearmind]

You both have your own journey to healing which need to be separate to one another.

Look after you and heal.

[standfree]

I had the same urge. I know the guy on a personal level, not close friends, but speaking terms, they have been together for 3 weeks, getting close to him while i was with her, she abandoned me, went with him. anyway thats another story. I had people warn me at the start, but i ignored them, ignored all the red flags, so i thought why bother, why tell him, i ignored them, it is a very seductive stage, so what makes me think that he would listen to me? i never & it was  her close family & friends  that warned me. I have spoke with her, pleaded with her to get help, so she can have a happy life, but she is painting me black, blamed me for her problems etc etc, the abuse was unreal, i have now wiped my feel with her, blocked from my life,  she wont get help, not my problem now... .

[bpdlover]

It really is a type of triangulation (read definition) also. It is exactly what some of us entered into. Not exactly healthy and probably best to bless and move on. Like CM said, people are on their own journey and despite the pathology, no two experiences will be the same. No two people of the 100 billion ever born have the same resumes.

[BlushAndBashful]

I can say with almost 100% certainty that if one of his exes would have told me what a rollercoaster through Hell they had been on, I would have scoffed and been even more determined to make my r/s work. Especially since my pwBPD had already done some painting black of his exes- why the heck would I listen to those women? They are all just crazy/pathetic/disturbed/jealous/mean women who (can't take no for an answer, want him back, screwed around on him, like to stir up drama, etc).

[jmc8899]

His ex tried to warn me (I didn't listen because he said she was crazy), and then she ended up getting back together with him.  I would stay out of it.   BPDs crave drama and attention.   

[goldylamont]

call me crazy but i daydream of BPD's not being able to pull their isht by lying again and again to a new pool of people. this of course would be impossible to truly enforce, but fun to daydream.

the urge to tell the next victim is natural, i kind of fantasized about doing this from time to time. personally it would have validated my own feelings with everything, blahblah.

thing is, you're opening yourself up for a *ton* of drama by entering into the equation like this. and you aint gonna beat a BPD at their own game. i would so love to hear the outcome of anyone with the errr, balls to do this though--how did it go? are you still alive to tell the tale? .

if i were to warn the next victim... . and at this point i wouldn't, but, if i were to, i'd do it with full knowledge that this person would: (1) not believe me in the least, in fact they would think I was crazy after the BPD ex got through with devaluing me, and (2) i would just try to drop a seed. something fast and simple such as "i don't expect you to believe me, and i apologize for the intrusion. but you are dealing with a person with a personality disorder called Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't expect you to change what you do or how you feel, however one day I know these words will be of help to you. When you find out, what I and many others already know, then you need to remember the word "Borderline". Good luck!"

but, hey, don't say i put you up to it. just saying, if you do do it, come back and tell us how it went 

[whatisthetruth]

from Goldy:

"call me crazy but i daydream of BPD's not being able to pull their isht by lying again and again to a new pool of people. this of course would be impossible to truly enforce, but fun to daydream."

your comment made me smile - I think that's all it was for me... . a chance to daydream the what ifs... .

someone else intimated it was a rescuing thing - and i reeeeeally need to look at that possibility.  i dont need to rescue people anymore - except myself.

Clearmind said to "look after you and heal" - i think this is best.  and so hard to do at times... . especially if i go to the success stories.  this is by far and away the most challenging relationship i have ever had... .

i think i will only toss a book the guys direction if i see the pain... . the first one i read was "emotional blackmail" and then "in sheeps clothing" ~ i kept these books in my car so she wouldnt see them.  but we had to switch cars one day bc i was caring for the kids and needed the minivan (and i did the shopping, got her car detailed, etc)  in any case - she had my car; saw the books and that is when she started attacking me publicly and really going after me as the "abuser". 

my BPD x... . is a therapist of all things... . so its been hard to pinpoint, VERY cleverly disguised... . very damaging emotionally to me.  I couldn't quite figure out what was going on... . i just knew i was dancing on glass around her, second guessing myself, hyper vigilant about the words i was choosing around her.  anyway - bc she's a therapist... . its been a friggin nightmare.  i didnt realize she even had an arrest record until someone close to me did a background search on her after i confided in a strange behaviors i saw in LA. who thinks to do a background search on a therapist? i wouldn't. especially given the way she presents in the world.

anyway, although im dealing with some character assassination by her - and im a chef in the community - im known. visible. vulnerable.  and at her mercy or mercilessness as the case would be until i can extract.  i am really trying to stay strong- lay low and focus on the day to day of tasks with an eye toward extraction.

and trying not to read the success stories... . ugh. cause i want to believe its possible but i also think she is too stuck.

[goldylamont]

one day, the inertia will push one of us nons to fully "out" BPD and all of it's nastyness. it would be great for this disorder to be public knowledge, rather than shrouded in secrecy, which is really where the BPD gets their power. i am quite confident in many things, but will admit in a heartbeat that in the realm of spinning reality to false and nasty lies, i just can't compete. nor would i want to. one day, a nonBPD sacrificial lamb will arise, accept the consequences of her/his decision and be able to speak openly about everything... . aah, the thought of it