Looking for support and advice

[aspiegirl23]

I wrote this on the "New Here" board, but I really wanted to post it here on this board (sorry for the double, still getting my head around this site!):

Hi everyone

Thanks for letting me join your community. I have recently identified that my husband is positively BPD and he agrees.

I just don't know how to deal with it all though! (as you can see by my username, things are even MORE complicated in the fact that I have Asperger's myself!).

He gets angry at me so easily and thinks such awful things about me. I found this YouTube video

www.youtube.com/watch?v=tE8uOZADAN4

And it was scarily accurate. He watched it too and it also shook him up how true it was.

I have ordered a book to read about how to deal with it, but boy, I would love some support from people who understand in the meantime! I have just found out I am pregnant and I have a history of m/c so I really need to remain stress-free.

I have trouble reading people and getting things right as it is with my Asperger's. And he seems to contradict himself all the time. I believe I understand and learn how he prefers me to act, so I do it and then I STILL got it wrong. Sometimes it seems that just me being alive is enough to annoy him   It didn't always use to be like this! We have only been married since December... .  

I see such a beautiful person inside of him. I see that as the "real him". Whenever I get angry at him for being rude/angry at me he always says "There's the REAL you"

Thanks so much for listening... .  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

   and more  !

This isn't easy and you do need support!  We're here for you!  All of us have experienced the down sides and up sides of BPD relationships.  Keep posting~~read the lessons and any recommended books you can.  (I've started my own library!) Keep yourself from getting overwhelmed with his "stuff" and focus on doing what you need to do to keep yourself mentally healthy.  Both of you being aware of your issues is helpful, but that doesn't mean it's all going to be easy.  Just letting you know that you're in for a rough ride, but if you're conscious of your shortcomings and work on your own issues, you'll be stronger and healthier! 

[aspiegirl23]

Thanks so much Rockylove, your reply meant and helped a lot!

[arabella]

Hi aspiegirl!

Glad you've joined us!

It's so confusing, isn't it? Half the time I don't think my BPDhusband knows whether he's coming or going. I agree with Rockylove, the fact that you are both aware of your issues means that you are already on the right path.

I read another thread you have here as well and I just want to say - you're not alone! Your husband's behaviour sounds very typical of BPD. I hope you find some of the tools on this site helpful (have you read the lessons over on the right-hand side bar? Very handy!)

Congratulations on the pregnancy! One more reason to keep yourself healthy and learn how to take care of your needs when coping with a BPD partner.

[Chosen]

aspiegirl,

I have answered to your other thread and just want to welcome you again.

I only got married a year ago, and the few months after the marriage was the worse.  When I hit rock bottom (*crossing fingers*) I found out about BPD and came here.  This place has helped me in so many ways.

For a long time (years) I have tried to act in the exact way my H would like, and like you, I still "got it wrong".  No, you're wrong here.  You didn't do anything wrong.  But pwBPDs change so quickly, they don't even know what they wanted.  Last second they want a hug, then when you actually start touching them they kind of don't want that anymore.  It's not because you didn't act or didn't care.  You just can't keep up with his quick changes.  Even he can't, and that confuses him.  I know it- my H is like that too, and while he wants me to fix his emotions for him, he never gives me any hint on how to do it, and just blames me when what I did couldn't fix anything. 

I hope you'll read the lessons on the right, learn more about BPD, equip yourself with knowledge and coping skills.  And when in doubt (or anytime really), come here and talk to us!  We're all in this together 

[aspiegirl23]

Thanks chosen and arabella.

It is so helpful to hear you both say that my husband does indeed sound typical of a pwBPD! At least so much stuff is finally making sense (yet still so unclear, too!).

The unpredictable nature of my husband is the most difficult thing for me, because I NEED predictability in order to function properly. He confuses me so much. I believe you are correct in that even HE doesn't know what he wants most of the time. I suppose that must be tied up in having difficulty with their own self identity ?

He drinks a lot, too, and I hate it! He is worse when he drinks (he can still be just as bad sober, but it is almost a given that everytime he drinks he will be worse).

Thanks for your advice about the lessons. I have been working my way through them slowly, as they tend to overwhelm me a lot. Step by step I guess.

At least he has agreed to seek out a psychologist who specialises in people with BPD and is trained in the therapy for it. I sure hope it helps!

[Rockylove]

At least he has agreed to seek out a psychologist who specialises in people with BPD and is trained in the therapy for it. I sure hope it helps!

That's a very good thing!  Just know that he's dealing with deep pain and if the therapy is good, things may get difficult for a while.  He's going to be digging deep into his "stuff" and that's never easy!  Continue taking care of you through all of this!   

[aspiegirl23]

That's a very good thing!  Just know that he's dealing with deep pain and if the therapy is good, things may get difficult for a while.  He's going to be digging deep into his "stuff" and that's never easy!  Continue taking care of you through all of this!   

Thanks so much for the heads up! I didn't even consider this. He has his first appointment today, and I soo hope it goes alright!