Struggling to detatch

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It has now been just over a week of NC with the exBPDw and not a day goes past when I am not thinking about her or worrying about her. It's been a very difficult process and I am truly struggling with the whole concept.

3 nights ago I received an e-mail from one of her friends, marked "Important" which I opened immediately. I fooled myself into thinking that since it didn't come from my ex then it wouldn't hurt. All sorts of things were running through my head too, whether it was something to do with the children, whether it was something to do with the ex. As it turned out, my ex's friend was updating apps on my step daughters tablet and wondered if I knew the password to one of them. I did respond briefly and answered the question directly. Both of us were polite and that's as far as it went. I didn't ask how my ex was doing and just stuck to the question asked.

However, it then opened a flood of questions that are still swimming around in my mind several days later. I'm finding now too that I don't just check my e-mail to see if I have messages from the ex, but also from any source that could let me know how she is doing. I guess in an indirect way, I was blindsided on the NC and it has set me back a little.

[Murbay]

It has now been just over a week of NC with the exBPDw and not a day goes past when I am not thinking about her or worrying about her. It's been a very difficult process and I am truly struggling with the whole concept.

3 nights ago I received an e-mail from one of her friends, marked "Important" which I opened immediately. I fooled myself into thinking that since it didn't come from my ex then it wouldn't hurt. All sorts of things were running through my head too, whether it was something to do with the children, whether it was something to do with the ex. As it turned out, my ex's friend was updating apps on my step daughters tablet and wondered if I knew the password to one of them. I did respond briefly and answered the question directly. Both of us were polite and that's as far as it went. I didn't ask how my ex was doing and just stuck to the question asked.

However, it then opened a flood of questions that are still swimming around in my mind several days later. I'm finding now too that I don't just check my e-mail to see if I have messages from the ex, but also from any source that could let me know how she is doing. I guess in an indirect way, I was blindsided on the NC and it has set me back a little.

[leftbehind]

I feel for you, Murbay .  God, this NC is so tough.  What helps me is knowing that I'll feel worse after initiating contact.  It's only been a week, I would give NC more time.  Good luck!

[TippyTwo]

NC is indeed rough. It forces me to have to sift thru all the crap and feelings that were avoided or rationalized while we were together.

The biggest help to me was time, accepting it would be a back and forth kind of thing, and seeing how others have reacted after NC has been broken.

NC is hell sometimes but realizing the process would have to restart all over again if there was contact has helped me stay away. Going thru this once is bad enough.

[bpdlover]

NC will be tough for a while. Some of your feelings have been put on hold. You may be experiencing your exes feelings also. Time will heal. Believe me. It has been three years and there is no emotional attachment anymore.

[Murbay]

Thank you leftbehind 

I think what worries me more is that I will have to break NC in a couple of weeks anyway because I have to e-mail the code for her to get the money out for our daughter. For me, that is much harder to deal with, the fact I have left a 2 year old behind and she has all the control.

Up until NC, I was still on the rollercoaster. I would get an e-mail telling me everything she was up to and that I had to keep telling her everything I was doing. The next e-mail would be harsh and abrupt and then another would just be random questions. I kept contact because I wanted to keep in contact with the children but remained neutral in my responses and just answered the questions being asked as straight forward as possible.

My ex demanded too that I fly back to the UK immediately but instead of obeying her commands, I flew to New York instead and that caused her to go into a rage. I'm in new York because I have apartment here, my sister lives here and I needed to emotionally recharge before I face questions from friends and family in the UK, as well as the "told you so's"

Either way, it's devastating that I don't have contact with my daughter and step-daughter right now and that perhaps hurts more. I need to get myself back healthy though because I do want contact and it means dealing with ex on a regular basis. Likewise, NC will have to be broken in 2 weeks anyway but it's what I don't say that will make the difference.

[leftbehind]

Yeah, it's so much tougher when children are involved.  I hope you can re-establish contact with the girls while still giving your ex the minimum response/interaction required.  It's good that you have a chance to get yourself strong first. 

[Clearmind]

Detaching is a process. We don't just detach from the person we are detaching from some deeper issues which were around long before our ex's came about.

Not everyone attaches to a Borderline.

It has taken me a good 12 months to detach from my past - and when I say past, I thought it was my ex I was grieiving - it wasn't - I was grieving some unresolved childhood issues that lead me into the arms of a Borderline.

We all learn our relationship skills from our parents - there lies the first stage of healing - understanding the relationship dynamic of our family.

[Murbay]

That's part of the process I am going through right now too Clearmind.

My parents divorced when I was 7, my father moved to the other side of the world and my mother had to work several jobs to support me and my sister. I was forced into a support role from a young age and that has been part of my issue with attaching to a borderline. I don't have a close relationship with my mother though we have a healthy relationship, but that is because I came to terms with that nobody was to blame.

My father on the other hand, he made contact again after 9 years and I went to live with him because I had questions that needed to be answered. I don't have any contact with him now but I made peace with that a long time ago. However, through my T, I discovered that part of my issue is caregiver aspect because that has been my role from a young age and defined who I became as an adult. Putting others needs first and having very few needs of my own.

It is part of what drew me to a Borderline and the dance that ensued. My T doesn't think it is the first time either given a previous relationship, but given the fact that I had healthy boundaries I was able to step away from the situation before it had the chance to cause any damage.

[Clearmind]

It’s not my first go around either Murbay and good for you for seeking out your truth.

Your childhood must have been confusing for you – as it was for me. You are in good company – there are many caretakers and rescuers here so I completely understand how hard it is to break that pattern of relating.

It’s a journey however when you begin to see it clearly and understand that its not your role to rescue its amazing how quickly you can detach from your partner.

Rescuing another person is a way we gain value and worth. When we have no one to fix we don’t feel we have value. You may see it from your childhood that if you were the little helper then you felt valued. Some of us relive this pattern in adult life.

I was not in love with my ex – in fact he was so so different to who I really am – I was in love with the idea of being in love – I felt valued by him because I could fix him. I was a strong, financially independent women hell bent on fixing – we were a match made in heaven.

In hindsight and removing all the magical thinking he bugged me. I tried to change him to fit what I needed/wanted/my norm.

All the best to you in your journey.

[WillSurvive420]

im having a really hard time detaching as well... .  i know i have a deep hope of her wanting to make it work and this hope is prolonging my agony... .  i have a real tough time of letting go... .  i see her wedensday... .  i hope it goes well.

[Hurt llama]

Detaching is a process. We don't just detach from the person we are detaching from some deeper issues which were around long before our ex's came about.

Not everyone attaches to a Borderline.

I don't think I would have 'attached' with my ex BPD at different times in my life. No chance actually... .   Just as there's no chance that I will again with a new one. I don't say that to be cocky, I just know what happened with her was a Perfect Storm for me, that I wouldn't repeat as I don't have the need or the energy, even if I were so inclined!

This maybe subtle distinction is important to me as I recognise clearly why I went forward when I was never really comfortable with her on the deepest of levels. It was heroin and if I had known specifically it was BPD, I would have saved myself quite a bit of time. All along I thought she was nothing more than a garden variety Sociopath.

I would not say I am 100% in the clear though with her... .   It's a process and the no contact/VLC (very light contact) helped a great deal to start the detach ball rolling.

I slipped by being there for her last week (via text only) as she was very upset about the discovery of a friend who was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer. But frankly I regret even that contact as it reassured her and I am out of that business now.

At least I didn't speak with her... . Even that small contact make me feel ill.

Hurt llama

[KellyO]

I thought I would never be able to detach... .  and voila, here I am. I couldn't care less. If he sometimes wants to speak to me, I will, because it would be like speaking to ex-coworker. I have ZERO interest to contact him. I actually had to once, nothing to do with our relationship, and he answered politely. I did not feel anything, no sadness, no anxiety. If he has someone new, I'm sorry for the poor woman, but there isn't hint of jealousy in me. If someone would have told me last year I will be in this place, I would have laughed, I was so miserable and plagued with our relationship and all stressed out.

The key getting in this place was not NC. NC was important, but I broke it anyway all the time. More important is to work with yourself to find the issues that don't let you detach. My breaking point was when I forgave my parents. First I had to find my core wound: the belief that people who abuse me and take advantage of me must care for me somehow. It was absurd. It was so deep rooted in me it controlled my life. I had to sit down with my feelings and cry for weeks. Getting to this point took two years. All this time I tried to get him back and make the relationship work.

I find it important to really understand BPD too. It will help you detach even more. Some things he did hurt me so deeply, and now when I can look back without much hurt, I understand why he did what he did. How he actually is not in control of himself at all. Seeing the strings attached in him was helpful in many ways. But first I had to see my own strings.

I say all this because I know the pain, I was in it for so long time. It made me unable to work, I was like zombie most of the time. You can, and you will get out of it. Doing inner work will save you from getting in the same relationship with other person like that again. Mind you, people who don't learn from the experience often just find a new person to fix or a new person abusing them. I know this was not my first relationship with a disordered person. I come from very disordered family so it was normal for me. And I  felt the pain, but pain was normal for me.

If you have any victim mentality, I strongly advice to get rid of it, because it is one thing keeping us in the leashe. None of us is a helpless victim. We do create our own lifes, and we do have a choise. More you feel like a victim, easier you are to manipulate and control. It is better to learn to be genuinely independent person, fully responsible for yourself. It is real freedom  

[leftbehind]

First I had to find my core wound: the belief that people who abuse me and take advantage of me must care for me somehow. It was absurd. It was so deep rooted in me it controlled my life.

I have the exact same struggle (even though my ex wasn't abusive).  But my FOO was, so I tended to attract disordered people (my father is undiagnosed BPD, I strongly believe), neglectful people, and people with low morals (I don't lie, cheat or steal, but I've attracted some partners who have).

Thanks for your post, KellyO.

[LetItBe]

First I had to find my core wound: the belief that people who abuse me and take advantage of me must care for me somehow. It was absurd. It was so deep rooted in me it controlled my life.

I have the exact same struggle (even though my ex wasn't abusive).  But my FOO was, so I tended to attract disordered people (my father is undiagnosed BPD, I strongly believe), neglectful people, and people with low morals (I don't lie, cheat or steal, but I've attracted some partners who have).

Thanks for your post, KellyO.

Me, too, leftbehind and KellyO.  I have attracted some disordered, neglectful, and/or abusive partners w/low morals.  My mom was mentally ill (diagnosed bipolar and now, I see she very likely had BPD, too).  My dad was mentally ill, too.  Both were very abusive.  I've been delving deeply into my FOO issues because of my recent r/s with uBPDxbf.  I see how severely dysfunctional my FOO was now, and I think I'd hidden a lot of that from my consciousness.  From what I've read, as a very young child, I was able to split the bad behaviors of my parents so that I could remain attached to them and survive.  So, I've normalized some of my ex's unhealthy, abusive behaviors and had a hard time detaching from unhealthy r/s's in my adult life, too.  Good point about letting go of the victim status, KellyO.  It can keep us stuck if we let it.  

[Bananas]

All good posts!  I think it is awesome that you are in T Murbay.  It has been a huge help for me.  I was in denial about being a co-dependent for a long time, actually until I got into therapy about three weeks ago. 

My childhood was seemingly normal.  My parents are still together. I wasn't abused.  I have a good education.  My grandmothers lived with us so I had tons of "extra" love and support.

The red flags I missed in myself, my first marriage was to a dBiPolar alcoholic, my second long term relationship also to an alcoholic, and now this relationship with my uBPD/NPD ex.

I am now realizing that my "normal" father has very strong N traits and I learned from my mother how to cope with them by keeping quiet.  My FOO also puts a heavy burden on me to "fix" things as they see me as the "most rational".

I have a long way to go but of this is helping me to detach.  The more I work on myself the easier NC (as much as possible as we work together) gets.  I think it is normal to have setbacks when trying to detach from a relationship like this. 

[Murbay]

I can empathize with you there Bananas because growing up in an environment that is the norm to us, doesn't necessarily mean it is the norm to the rest of the world and can lead to dysfunctional relationships later on in life.

I accepted years ago that I didn't have the perfect family but that it was what it was through circumstance and not through blame. I think as a child I did hold resentment and guilt but when I was old enough to do so, I addressed those issues. I have always understood that I'm not perfect and that there were core wounds that I couldn't figure out. I have had a career in the military as a Combat medic, trying to save the world, I've worked in mental health trying to save people and I carried a lot of guilt on my own shoulders when I couldn't do that.

Initially, the core issues I could deal with since I have been in healthy relationships and also a couple of unhealthy ones where I had enough in me to step back and see where the relationship was heading. The issue with my marriage was that my ex wife believed she came from the perfect family who were loving, caring and completely selfless and that is how she described herself too. I saw a very different family where the mother was controlling and abusive, the father was passive-aggressive and the ex-wife was anything but selfless. Regardless, knowing my own family wasn't perfect, I started to believe my wife when she said all the issues were mine and that I was the one who needed help. I actually saw the red flags in the beginning but the desire to help and "fix" the issues outweighed my own desire for healthy boundaries and I entered the co-dependency cycle against my better judgement.

I guess I do have to be thankful to her for that and also the fact she got in to see my T on an individual basis first, to manipulate him into believing I was the issue and she was perfect. Unfortunately for her, he saw everything for what it was and we have come a very long way in the past several months.