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Author Topic: Advice & support needed for someone who is two years out  (Read 455 times)
CourageAfterFire

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Relationship status: single -- 3 months
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« on: May 19, 2013, 08:10:04 PM »

It's been well over a year since I've posted here and just a few days shy of two years since the last split with my BPD ex-bf. The relationship and break, like all who post here, was messy and I was painted black and mirrored for too long. I am on strict no contact with my ex and quite frankly, I NEVER, EVER want to see or hear from him again. I don't know if PTSD is possible after a relationship, but the sheer thought of seeing him is enough to give me a legitimate panic attack and at my lowest points, I have nightmares of which he is the villian, chasing me with a knife ready to rip my heart out. I actively avoid places that I could see him-- not hard since an hour separates us.

As for him, he is in a relationship with the last woman (there were several) that he cheated on me with. The one he painted me as a "crazy stalker" too... .  as he had painted women to me while we were together. She, like all of the women in his life and past, was a caretaker... .  he has many nurses, teachers, etc as notches in his belt. He has had no contact with me, though his family has. His sister and I have remained friends, as she has seen that I was not as bad as he portrayed me to be.

In those two years, I've seen a therapist regularly, put the pieces of my life back together, established healthy boundaries in my life, completed my Master's degree, and have been in a healthy, happy relationship with a non-BPD man for well over a year. I am at peace with my life, and look forward to the future.

Why am I posting then? Because this weekend I traveled to Maine-- a few states away -- to graduate and receive my Master's degree. It was through an online program aimed at my profession, and I had never been on campus before. In fact, I truly had no idea that the school was one town over from the town where my ex had spent his summers as a child, where his family still owned a house on an island. The house where I had spent a week with his mother when he was deployed. The island where we had gone to make up after one of our first splits... .  When I found that out, I wasn't worried. It's not yet summer, after all, and he almost never goes up there during the off season.

His sister had posted on Facebook that she was in the area, and I commented back on how weird it was that we were both up there. When I asked her why, she never answered back. I ate dinner that evening with my boyfriend and parents at a restaurant overlooking the bay the island is in and thought fondly of the area... .  separated it from the mess that was him. I graduated the next morning and spent the afternoon on the beach. It was a truly peaceful day.

That night, Saturday night, my dream was plagued by demons all with his face and when I woke up unable to sleep, I went on Facebook and discovered that he was there. On the island. Getting married. To the woman he left me for. For him, this will be marriage number 3. He was divorced only a few months ago. He told me she had cheated on him while he was in boot camp, with his best friend. I was hooked. How could someone do that to another person... .  and i supported him, remained faithful to him, through his year deployment to Afghanistan.

It was like the oxygen was sucked out of the room. I don't want him. don't want to see him ever again. Don't want to hear his voice or his name or see his car or find an email in his inbox. My therapist helped me to mourn our relationship as if he had died, because the personality that I had fallen in love with was no longer there.  But I can't put words to how i feel right now. The majority of me knows that this is a ruse, a way out, that this too will end, as all his relationships have... .  but a part of me wonders if he had done this on purpose. He knew I was in grad school... .  no one is that unlucky to have it on the same weekend, right?  

All today I've been off... .  unsettled... .  I guess I just am looking for support, commiseration, and advice from the community. Has anyone felt like this when their BPD exes remarry?
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GreenMango
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2013, 08:37:05 PM »

I think the mixed emotions can be really hard.  Have you had a chance to talk to a therapist?
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CourageAfterFire

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Relationship status: single -- 3 months
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« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2013, 09:03:32 PM »

No, not yet, as its the weekend. My therapist actually exited me from her services since I was doing well, but I can call her whenever I need.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2013, 11:01:33 PM »

First congratulations on graduating.  That's great news.

Maybe theres some left over emotions to work thru still, especially if it was a traumatic relationship. 

Is this the first time you've been around things that have resurfaced memories?  Go easy on yourself.
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patientandclear
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Relationship status: single
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« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2013, 12:28:11 AM »

CAF -- if my ex were marrying the woman he got involved with as soon as he got cold feet after an attempted recycle with me ... .  I'd be torn up, for sure.  While they were together, I was just in shreds.  That situation makes us feel like maybe it was us, we were inadequate, someone else was worth them getting their ___ together, someone else was more worth the effort, it's not that they cannot commit, it's that they didn't, for us; etc., etc.

Just remember how it looked from the outside when you were together.  It looked like everything was going to end up happy, right?  Until it didn't.

They keep trying to use the strategies they have, that they've relied on for a long, long time, to make themselves feel better.  A new r/s, a marriage, they're all theories about what will feel better.  As a friend said when I was agonizing over my ex's next r/s, "of course he is doing that.  Of course it looks like that.  It always looks just exactly like that, until the moment the wheels come off, and when they're off, they're off.  It's not like he knows how to fix anything."



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clairedair
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 455



« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2013, 03:26:49 AM »

Hi CAF - first of all, I also want to congratulate you - not just on the degree but on having made a good life for yourself that includes a healthy relationship.

... .  but a part of me wonders if he had done this on purpose. He knew I was in grad school... .  no one is that unlucky to have it on the same weekend, right?  

I have had a few interviews in last two years as I was not enjoying my job.  Every time I had an interview, exH would do something to throw me completely off balance.  May not have been the reason I wasn't getting the jobs but it didn't help!  I still don't think it was deliberate - certainly not at a conscious level.  Even so, I did not tell him anything about latest interview. The week of the interview, he announced to our children that he is getting married to someone he'd been dating a few months!  We'd only split for the last time a couple of months before he must have started seeing her.  Instead of being able to prepare for interview, I was trying to deal with my own swirling emotions and my kids' bemusement.  (I got the job though  Smiling (click to insert in post))

CAF -- if my ex were marrying the woman he got involved with as soon as he got cold feet after an attempted recycle with me ... .  I'd be torn up, for sure.  While they were together, I was just in shreds.  That situation makes us feel like maybe it was us, we were inadequate, someone else was worth them getting their ___ together, someone else was more worth the effort, it's not that they cannot commit, it's that they didn't, for us; etc., etc.

My exH  was instantly in love with a woman immediately after our first split.  If he had been about to marry her, I think I would find that a lot more difficult than him marrying another woman.  But, I agree with p&c's wise friend - everything may look rosy for your ex, but given past behaviour, how likely is it that his latest wife and him are going to sail off into the sunset?

You, on the other hand, have done the hard work with a therapist and are healthy enough to be thinking about seeing her again to talk about this recent, difficult experience rather than repress it.  You have also been able to build a healthy, happy relationship with someone who came with you to celebrate your graduation.  Who is more likely to be sailing off into the sunset?

take care,

Claire

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