confused about friend boundary

[Healing4Ever]

I grew up with an undiagnosed-BPD mother, and it was an extremely intense and hurtful experience. I always knew she was not behaving properly, but felt helpless about how to help myself.  I am also often left wondering about appropriate behavior, both because she modelled some pretty bizarre thinking, and I have deep wounds left from growing up in my family (my Dad was also an alcoholic).  I have been posting primarily on the leaving board as I am just coming out of a r/s with another undiagnosed BPD.  However, today I was hoping for feedback regarding my own insecurities around friends.

I get confused about how much to share with friends of my breaking-up and moving on process over this past month.  I have a lot on my plate as I'm studying for a big registration exam, now on my own with my kids, which on some levels is a relief but I'm also grieving and getting by day-by-day.  I saw 2 separate friends yesterday in between studying - they both reached out to me to spend time with me and give me a break from studying.  I had a great time with both of them - we went for a bike ride and had a walk.  We talked about everything under the sun - but neither of them asked me about how I am *doing*.  These are friends that I have talked with about my situation when it first happened.  I feel like my Mom when I worry about this right now - but by the end of my time with each of them, when it was obvious they weren't going to ask, I started to wonder if I complain too much when I talk about my ex, or if they just aren't interested in hearing about it, and I felt disappointed that they didn't ask.  Or, as I'm writing this, maybe they are waiting for me to bring it up and didn't want to bring me down?  I wouldn't even know how to ask them in a way that would feel right - as in "are you ok if I talk about what's going on for me with my ex right now?"  Anyways, I want to get out of my head on this, as well as start to bring peace to myself for some of the traits I carry around that remind me of my Mom.

In contrast, I do have a couple of friends that ask right away, or soon into seeing me, how I'm really doing.  Arrgh.  Around and around goes the confusion.

thanks for any feedback.

H4E

[Healing4Ever]

I've been journalling and praying about this, and I see that when situations don't turn out as I hope/want AND I feel disappointed, then I immediately blame myself or feel shame.  Which then leads to confusion. 

Ugggh.  Not sure if anyone has any insights - either about the friend situation or rectifying the self-blame?  (as if it's that easy  )

H4E

[Healing4Ever]

Not sure if anyone is still reading this or can even relate - but I think that this issue stems from not trusting myself or my read on a situation, and being too willing to blame myself.

Having a BPD mother who was completely blind to her own behaviors, I was/am terrified of being like her - blind to my own behaviors.  So I'm too willing to believe that if I'm not feeling right about a situation - then it must be me, something I'm doing wrong, and when I can't figure it out, I feel shame.  That I must then be like her - unable to see whatever it is I'm doing.  A bit of a catch-22, because if in the end I'm not doing anything in the situation *except* not trusting myself, then it's a double-whammy for me.   

I saw one of these friends last night again - and I think that she just likes to stay more superficial.  Perhaps finds r/s break-ups tough, and not sure what to say, so avoids it to some extent. 

Also, in the same span, had 2 other friends call me up, just to ask how I was doing.  With the break-up.  The contrast was helpful.

Ohhhh... . to trust myself.  Not so much that I hurt others, but enough so that I can stop hurting myself.  That is the goal. 

H4E

[orania]

Hi Healing4Ever,

I haven't been on in a loong time, but I saw your post today and really feel I can relate!  My mom is also undiagnosed BPD. I find that her patterns of thinking and behavior have bled into every other relationship I have.  I also notice that in the past I have chosen potentially BPD friendships.  I've had a lot of distance from the site and from my own anger, which I think is a good thing, but I continue to struggle with similar questions that you have right now. 

First of all, they are your friends!  You should be glad they distracted you from everything for a little while.  Sometimes it's good to get out of our own heads!  They obviously care about you, like you and want to spend time with you! 

In regards to your other questions about whether or not they *should* be asking about you--that is tricky.  I don't know the right answer. I only have my own experiences to draw from.  My very bestest friend in the whole world thinks I'm too hard on my mom.  She honestly doesn't understand what it's like because she has amazing parents.  For a long time that really hurt and bothered me.  But then I realized that I didn't have to let my mom bleed into and take over everything, including the headspace of my friends.  At times, my best girlfriend is selfish. She doesn't ask me enough about me. Other times she seems really interested.  But I also know that I struggle to be assertive. I often put my own hopes and wants into the hands of others.  I can't expect her to  know what I need all the time.  Unlike your mother and my mother--most reasonable people don't believe in mind reading and decoder rings in real life.  I've been working on saying what I want to talk about and asking for what I need. 

Maybe next time you hang out with these friends you could call the shots (not in a weird aggressive Donald Trump kinda way).  Maybe you could call them up and say, "Hey, I've really got some stuff on my mind that I'd love to chat with y'all about" 

Anyway--Healing, I feel ya.  Our moms have really bent our minds out of whack. You ARE NOT your mother.  She taught you some bad patterns that you can work on!  You are asking good questions.  I hope that you don't spend too much more time reeling around the emotional hamster wheel in your head--cuz I know I do--and it sucks. 

[Katy-Did]

Healing4Ever:  Sharing w/friends is one way to process and problem solve life's situations but not all friends interact on the same level... . and that's okay.  Some are more inclined to prod and ask questions because it's in their nature to do so while others enjoy casual encounters full of activity and whim. 

Some of us, myself included, ruminate about things over and over and over again because it's hard to move beyond confusing thoughts and hurtful memories.  Talking to a friend can be much more emotionally satisfying  than, let's say, talking to a reflection in the mirror (I've been known to do this) but ultimately, you are in charge of moving forward in the healing process... . not your friends. 

When I feel disappointment in others, it's usually an indication of unmet expectations.  When I shift the responsibility away from them and onto myself, I'm often frustrated because I don't know what else to do.  You mentioned you started journaling and praying--both viable additions.  Others read articles/books in search of ideas/strategies.  Still others seek out professional counseling. And, of course--let's not forget participating in a forum such as bpdfamily.

I understand why you question yourself, given the BPD background, but please don't BLAME yourself.  Please continue to seek out healthy ways of release but also healthy resources to promote healing and progress.  I know... . after 5 years of mourning the loss of a dysfunctional BPD FOO relationship I'm just now beginning to make some headway. 

[Healing4Ever]

Orania:  Thanks so much for taking time to respond - it's very comforting to know I'm not alone.

My mom is also undiagnosed BPD. I find that her patterns of thinking and behavior have bled into every other relationship I have. 

What a great way to put it - I love what you've said here about the effects on my life.  I do feel like her thinking/behavior sneaks up inside of me when I sometimes least expect it, and really throws me off.

First of all, they are your friends!  You should be glad they distracted you from everything for a little while.  Sometimes it's good to get out of our own heads!  They obviously care about you, like you and want to spend time with you! 

Thanks for this too!  It brought tears to my eyes.  One of the things my mother did as I was growing up was instantly question why a friend didn't behave the way my mom thought they should, and then would follow it up with "well, maybe they don't want to be your friend anymore".  Honestly - having kids of my own, who does that?  Well - actually - she *still* does that to me, but I cut her off at the pass, and it doesn't affect me when she does it anymore, but unfortunately, I clearly still do it to myself. 

It was also nice to read about your friends, Orania.  It reminds me that everyone is human, and I see how I do accept less-than-ideal qualities in my closest friends and don't blame myself for them.  I guess perhaps I'm still getting close to these other friends and figuring them out.

Katy-did:

Some of us, myself included, ruminate about things over and over and over again because it's hard to move beyond confusing thoughts and hurtful memories.  Talking to a friend can be much more emotionally satisfying  than, let's say, talking to a reflection in the mirror (I've been known to do this) but ultimately, you are in charge of moving forward in the healing process... . not your friends. 

When I feel disappointment in others, it's usually an indication of unmet expectations.  When I shift the responsibility away from them and onto myself, I'm often frustrated because I don't know what else to do. 

Yes!  This is very true for me.  I think, having grown up with a BPD mother, my emotions really did feel controlled by external circumstances.  I felt very panicky when she was shut down for days on end, and could not truly feel better until she snapped out of it.  This didn't leave me feeling very confident that I could meet my own needs, and I'm still working on it.  I like the idea of refocusing on unmet expectations - I've been thinking a lot about that since you posted, and it really helps to shift the "power" back to me so I can figure out what I need to do for me.

Thanks so much - I have held onto these types of concerns/confusions/doubts regarding friends for YEARS, and have not found anyone who seems to understand my ruminations, so I literally stopped talking about it with people, even therapists, because it just wasn't helpful.

H4E

[Cordelia]

 

Hope you are feeling better.  I'm another child of a BPD-alcoholic match.     Fun. 

I have felt much the same with friends - unsure how much to open up or if it will be welcome if I do.  Seconding orania, it's really great that you're reaching out at this time.  It's such a healthy thing to do.  Even if you don't directly address your situation it's just great to see that people still care about you and life goes on despite all the turmoil. 

I think it's likely that the people who didn't ask directly how you were doing either were waiting for a cue from you (they thought you would bring it up on your own if you wanted to talk, not wanting to bother you with questions that might be painful for you to answer), or simply didn't know how to address it.  If you've ever tried to comfort someone who's experienced a terrible loss that you haven't yourself gone through, you know how this feels.  You feel so bad for them but don't want to say the wrong thing and cause them more pain, so you say nothing and just try to be there for them.  The worry that since they didn't bring it up they really don't care or don't want to hear about it is probably a legacy of growing up with parents who weren't that interested in what you were going through emotionally.  It's so hard to break those habits of mind but I would agree that this is probably the LEAST likely scenario.    After all if they didn't care they just wouldn't be reaching out to you. 

I know I've been surprised at how caring and supportive friends can be when I overcome my fears and share something serious with them.  In my healing process I went through a stage where I just couldn't tell enough people about the problems I had with my mother, and it was so precious to me to find out that people who had been through similar situations really understood, and even those who didn't listened with caring and compassion and genuinely felt for me, without judging me (as I had feared so intensely).  There's no need to rush into intimate disclosures especially with those you don't know well because that CAN lead to disappointment and hurt if they are cavalier about the trust you're placing in them when you share something serious.  It's always good to protect yourself!  But if you're like me you tend to under- rather than overshare, expecting rejection of your true feelings, and it can be incredibly healing to experiment and see that not everyone is like that.  Rather than pushing people away (as my mom was always pushed away when I tried to share my real self with her), some people will actually move closer to support you when you reach out for it.  It sounds like you have some people in your life with this potential.  When you feel ready, give it a try, to whatever degree you feel comfortable!  As you work through your feelings you will likely have a lot to share with them.