Hi empathic,
One thing I have a hard time to understand is that she wants us to get closer (hug, kiss more etc), and gets irritated at me for not wanting that, but fails completely to see her part in it - that if she'd treated me better those things would have come naturally. Don't really know how to deal with that, as it seems to be beyond the scope of boundaries. Any advice would be appreciated.
she senses you are distancing and she wants to get closer. Frankly this is a natural and healthy desire as you are in a larger than usual distance. You are clearly not in the mood and need some distance, that is natural too. But it is at odds.
In a perfect world she would sense you distancing and inquire. In a perfect world you would signal your need for distance more explicitly and sparing her that. You are at the moment living in a world where the living room is occupied by an elephant, a world less than perfect.
Judging her on her inability to connect the dots and feel guilty is not helpful. Most likely she feels plenty of guilt anyways at times - guilt and shame are big drivers of this dysfunction. Yesterday is far away, splitting may well make her feel it was a century ago in a different universe.
You are rightly suspicious of her good behavior lately. Behavior can change on a dime and there will be certainly tough periods ahead. On the other hand her good behavior may be a sign of increased ability of regulating her own emotions - you keeping more distance and her having so to deal with more stuff alone and getting better at it may well be part. Simply getting back to where you were in your relationship, simply getting closer is for a lot of reasons not a good idea right now.
It sounds a bit like you are lacking the ability to control the distance to her in that sense it is a boundary question. It is critical for us to feel safe and secure. You made first steps here. Part of controlling distance is also matter communication. And that is totally lacking. So you fill your need by blocking, essentially running away and distancing her. Triggering abandonment or at the minimum a normal instinct to close the gap to your partner. And continuously frustrating her efforts.
It is a natural thing to need more space at times and you should be able to communicate it. Closeness can be too much, particularly when you are not sure about your emotions. When thinking and especially when communicating it pays to focus on YOUR needs ONLY. Not on what happened in the past but what you need RIGHT NOW to feel better moving forward. Communicating your needs is done best using SET.
S- Uh, I guess I have to explain,
E- Your kissing is nice and well meant,
T- I somehow need more space at the moment. This is for me not the right time.
Q: xx why xxx
A: Not sure. I somehow need more space... .
Q: ... . why... .
A: Not sure. I somehow... . I'll go for a walk now, will be back in an hour. <exit>
Contact during the day may be easier to manage with some privacy at night. Are you back in the MB?
How are your kids taking it?
