And the award for controller of the year goes to me...

[Nearlybroken]

Last night BPDex came round to our house... .  acted initially as if everything was OK... . like I had never asked him to leave.He was laughing and joking... .  he indicated that if I wanted to talk then I could but a)he wasn't going to listen b)as if he did that would give me control c)I had limited time as he was going out in an hour so would give me 20 minutes.Wow, a full 20 minutes to discuss a failing relationship.He was totally detached... .  utterly emotionless.He informed me that my failings led to the breakdown of our relationship and did not even flinch as he told me that he viewed me as a poor example of womanhood because I had previously lost a child (at a late stage in my pregnancy)... .  of course that made me cry.And of course that crying was me  controlling him and he should be allowed to express his views.I was so upset that I had a panic attack after he left... .  WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE SO NASTY?

[VeryFree]

What was said to you is terribly nasty. Sorry you had to go through that. I can imagine you felt very upset.

For your question:

Being nasty has to do with the illness. It's all about their shame, their coping with their own pain, their trouble to commit and bound.

But really... .  does that matter? Makes the reason (an illness) it better to handle? It's maybe a reason, but not an excuse for this kind of behavior.

I hope you can set aside the terrible feelings you must have about this encouter. Try to stand above that. Try not to come in this situation again.

[babyducks]

Nearlybroken,

I am sorry to hear about this unfortunate conversation.  I don't have to imagine the hurt you are feeling,  I can all to vividly recall some of the conversations my Ex and I had and how wounding they were.

It some times feels like to me that when my EX got scared and hurt and needed to push me away and when I didn't listen to her and respect her needs she would up the ante and push harder.   The more I clung the harder she had to push.  Part of the sick dynamic between us.

Nearly a month out of my broken relationship I am starting to get the idea of it did take two to tango.   Why did I insist on trying to get my emotional needs met by someone who was not capable of doing that for me?

Why did I put myself in vulnerable positions?   And why did I do it over and over again?   That's my stuff.

Its very hard.   I could recognize the signs and signals when she started to deregulate, and I would still expect her to react differently.   Because I very much wanted her to be the woman I loved, not the person with a serious mental illness.  I kept expecting the illness to go away, and it never did.

babyducks

[Nearlybroken]

VeryScared:I know it has to do with the illness but I honestly believe I have given too much "weight" to the fact that it is BPD and therefore just something that I have to put up with.This is my fault... .  because I didn't know it was BPD until a late stage (and to be honest with you had never heard of it until it was diagnosed)and after I found out it was BPD did all of the things that are "wrong" when dealing with someone with BPD I think I have facilitated his illness.I have made it permissible to speak to me like I am a piece of crap (pardon my language).In the UK there is very limited provision to help those dealing with BPD... .  and it makes me mad.I am trying to stand above things but it is so hard.

Babyducks:all I can say to you is that your post could have been written by me.I cannot tell you how often I have wanted his BPD to go away and for things to be OK again.But is it so wrong of us to wish for the normality other couples appear to have?

Thank you both for your comments.Though we all know nothing can really change things... . it's good to know we are not alone in being good people who tried so hard to help.x

[VeryFree]

Nearlybroken,

Another persons illness can never be your fault. He and only he is responsible for his behaviour, even if it's caused by an illness.

Sure you're responsible for your actions towards him, but don't be to tough on yourself: you're a NON and therefore you'll act like a NON. That's believing in reason!

If you want to excuse your SO for his behaviour because he's ill, then you should excuse your own behaviour, because you are not.

A lot of us have (had) the same feelings like you do now. Be gentle on yourself: it's good to reflect, it's good to look at your own role, but not to feel guilty. But to grow and learn!

Hang in there!

[cult]

Nearlybroken,

I am sorry to hear about this unfortunate conversation.  I don't have to imagine the hurt you are feeling,  I can all to vividly recall some of the conversations my Ex and I had and how wounding they were.

It some times feels like to me that when my EX got scared and hurt and needed to push me away and when I didn't listen to her and respect her needs she would up the ante and push harder.   The more I clung the harder she had to push.  Part of the sick dynamic between us.

Nearly a month out of my broken relationship I am starting to get the idea of it did take two to tango.   Why did I insist on trying to get my emotional needs met by someone who was not capable of doing that for me?

Why did I put myself in vulnerable positions?   And why did I do it over and over again?   That's my stuff.

Its very hard.   I could recognize the signs and signals when she started to deregulate, and I would still expect her to react differently.   Because I very much wanted her to be the woman I loved, not the person with a serious mental illness.  I kept expecting the illness to go away, and it never did.

babyducks

I am nearly weeping reading this. You are telling my story. I am still in the r/s at this point. Neither one of us is willing to let go completely, but the day is coming soon. I can feel it. It's over but not yet ended. Part of me still hopes and believes that the r/s can morph into a beautiful partnership where we ride off into the sunset together but another part of me thinks that once I get healthier I will not want her anymore.  I need to make a list of all the things that are bad/hurtful/destructive for me. I'm just like you were - clinging to what once was and not wanting to accept the truth. She has changed and she cannot love me the way she once did. Thank you for the reminder as painful and difficult as it is.