Do they miss you when you're not around? Or, playing "hard to get"

[nomoremommyfood]

I had a pretty lengthy and personal thread going below, so I thought I'd break it up into a sub-topic. I'm currently meandering from furious at my dBPDbf and missing him. I'm intentionally avoiding him for the time being to a.) make him contact me on his own time, hopefully after I'm not angry and he's cooled off from his intimacy-spurred splitting session (one of the many things he slammed me for was "not allowing him to pursue me" when we first met... .  six years ago!). I'm even hoping time, by its very nature, will dull the perceived effects of increased intimacy b.) admittedly - though it's futile - I'm hoping he'll miss me if I avoid him for a little while.

I'm a little confused about things I've read stating both that pwBPD have little object constancy and don't experience a "absence makes the heart grow fonder" sensation when their SO is not around. Actually, I gleaned this from one of the articles on this site for people dealing with a break-up and wondering why their former partner doesn't miss them.

I've also read a lot of material implying that the pwBPD does in, in fact, miss the other person. For example, stuff needing to be reminded about a trip ahead of time or requiring a piece of clothing to handle being apart for a period of time. In the past (we've had this fight many times), I've also seen my bf - if given enough time - eventually come crawling around after being alone long enough. In fact, when he returns, his behavior has typically improved.

I don't know if playing a little "hard to get" game actually works with men w. BPD or if it's just in my mind but I'm pretty sure it works with most men. Anyone have any thoughts on either if pwBPD experience a "missing you" feeling or experience intentionally avoiding someone to make a point?

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[4now]

Hi,

In my experience with uBPDh he will miss me, eventually,  but the missing comes after we have a fight and we go our separate ways either literally or figuratively.  There was one particular episode when we had a fight, don't even remember what about now, and I left with the kids for the weekend.  I was so foolish as to wait for him to reach out to me so that I would go home.  I will NEVER do that again.  Terribly dysfunctional. My point in all of this is, it's all part of a game.  I used to feel the same like you, that maybe if he just misses me or sees me gone it will make him somehow snap out of it.  But it doesn't!  It might for a little, little time, but it has no long term effect.  He won't suddenly realize all that he has in you just because you are out of his life for a short time.  In fact, I think it does more harm than good because in a way it is giving him all the power to decide how you fit into his life. 

I feel that the best thing to do is to carry on like normal.  Do what you normally do and give him his space if needed. Certainly don't pursue him, yes that's a bad idea because they want to feel in control of most things.  But pushing things so that he misses you will only perpetuate a dysfunctional cycle of push/pull.  You want to avoid playing in to  that as much as possible!

[80850]

I had a pretty lengthy and personal thread going below, so I thought I'd break it up into a sub-topic. I'm currently meandering from furious at my dBPDbf and missing him. I'm intentionally avoiding him for the time being to a.) make him contact me on his own time, hopefully after I'm not angry and he's cooled off from his intimacy-spurred splitting session (one of the many things he slammed me for was "not allowing him to pursue me" when we first met... .  six years ago!). I'm even hoping time, by its very nature, will dull the perceived effects of increased intimacy b.) admittedly - though it's futile - I'm hoping he'll miss me if I avoid him for a little while.

I'm a little confused about things I've read stating both that pwBPD have little object constancy and don't experience a "absence makes the heart grow fonder" sensation when their SO is not around. Actually, I gleaned this from one of the articles on this site for people dealing with a break-up and wondering why their former partner doesn't miss them.

I've also read a lot of material implying that the pwBPD does in, in fact, miss the other person. For example, stuff needing to be reminded about a trip ahead of time or requiring a piece of clothing to handle being apart for a period of time. In the past (we've had this fight many times), I've also seen my bf - if given enough time - eventually come crawling around after being alone long enough. In fact, when he returns, his behavior has typically improved.

I don't know if playing a little "hard to get" game actually works with men w. BPD or if it's just in my mind but I'm pretty sure it works with most men. Anyone have any thoughts on either if pwBPD experience a "missing you" feeling or experience intentionally avoiding someone to make a point?

dBPDw told me straight out that she does'nt and would'nt miss me at all.

[VeryFree]

In my case: right now I'm darker than the blacks in the depths of hell. I don't think she will miss me.

[nomoremommyfood]

dBPDw told me straight out that she does'nt and would'nt miss me at all.[/quote]
How do we know what to believe?

They'll say their nuts about you then flip and want you gone, forever. How to know which portion was "true" if any?

I'm so baffled by how their reactions seem so far removed from normality. Most people feel a sense of loss after merely becoming accustomed to someone. How do they not?

[raindancer]

I don't think there is a tried and true on this.

Possibly some BPDs will miss you and some will not - individuals.

There is the abandonment/neediness issue, but then there is the colder-than-the-depths-of-the-deepest-abyss seemingly cruel and heartless side to them as well.

It could be how or why they are dysregulating at the time because I've had my pwBPD miss me "like crazy" when I'm gone for a few hours at times but then post Men Looking for Women ads other times... . hmmm.

I'm looking forward to input on this... .

Clearmind, waverider... . any words of wisdom? thank you in advance

[Chosen]

I think it's down to the individual and also the nature of your argument.  The problem with BPD is that it's full of contradictions.  The pwBPD may miss us, partly due to comfort of the familiar, and also due to a fear of abandonment.  They may want to push you away when they feel you are getting too close for their comfort, but then they also fear you really leaving, so they miss you. 

And part of it, I think, is that they truly miss a friend, a partner, in the way a non does.  They are people as well, albeit emotionally immature... . they have the same feelings that we do, only 1000x stronger!

[MockingbirdHL]

I'm absolutely CERTAIN that playing hard to get would not work with my BPDh. It might have a long time ago when we first started dating ... . But not now. Now I think it would just reinforce in his mind that I'm not the right one for him.

I've often wondered if he misses me when he's gone.  I tell myself that he's not off having the time of his life and acting like I don't exist. Once he told me it was all he thought about, him and I, us. But I'm afraid it's just an internal discussion where he convinces himself that he's better off without me.

He thinks running away from me will solve his problems. But I'm not the source of his problems!  Sure, he might feel calmer etc because he's not in that "place" with me then he can practice some sort of out of sight, out of mind thing.

I want to believe he misses me terribly as I do him. I want up believe he's so sorry for the way he's behaved that he just can't bear up face me out of shame. But ... . ,

[Hopeliveshere]

I know he doesn't miss me. In the past I used to think he was faking, that he'd have to miss his family - like most men would.

There were many situations where he lacked emotion and I'd think he was faking or covering up.

Sadly, now I know he wasn't.

[jonnyz]

I think it's down to the individual and also the nature of your argument.  The problem with BPD is that it's full of contradictions.  The pwBPD may miss us, partly due to comfort of the familiar, and also due to a fear of abandonment.  They may want to push you away when they feel you are getting too close for their comfort, but then they also fear you really leaving, so they miss you. 

And part of it, I think, is that they truly miss a friend, a partner, in the way a non does.  They are people as well, albeit emotionally immature... . they have the same feelings that we do, only 1000x stronger!

MY ex doesn't seem to have miss me at all. She has not really tried to contact me other than than by in feb. she message me to unfriend her daughter on facebook.  I'm still friends with daughter. Yea, my ex has gone though several men since our break up.   when I have made contact with her she would not look at me or talk to me.  Than last week I stop at a yard sale she was having and she look at me , talk , and even laugh at my jokes.  Then last night I seen her at the gas station and she was back to the semi not looking at me and she was short answer to  my question.  she did talk.   I can not understand her not lookin gme in the eye or trying to avoid looking at me.  Any ideas.  I do think gas station job gives her contact with lot of men and she seems to pick them up from there.  She doe leave them all.    I don't see her recycling me cause  she is good at picking up dudes. 

[babyducks]

My two cents.   I believe my Ex misses what I used to do for her.  And I don't mean the taking out the trash stuff.   I mean she used me as an external modulator for her feelings.   When she was upset, I was always willing to do things to help calm her down.   When she was afraid I helped support her.   The problems came when I wasn't able to help her modulate her feelings, and then it became my fault.   She felt bad about something and I wasn't fixing it.   So yeah I think she misses that a lot.   I think she has shame and pain about another failed relationship, especially since I had been idealized to be the rescuer.  And since I was the one who left the relationship, I believe she is over run with feelings of shame.

And as I type this I have to wonder how futile it is to try and figure out what she feels.     I can barely figure out what I feel half the time.  I am so very sorry she has this illness and that it has essentially ruined her whole life.   I am very sorry that I naively and blithely launched myself into a role that wasn't helpful to her.   

I guess it is what it is.  Radical acceptance.   Pick up my pieces of the mess and try to make today a little better than yesterday.

[allibaba]

I make it a policy not to 'play games' with my uBPDh.  He plays enough games for both of us. 

I try to take time away for myself occasionally (mostly just to keep my own reality in check).  I don't mean disappearing... . I mean a planned weekend away... . and during those periods initially he will miss me... . then if being away from me scares him (because he thinks that I could pick up and live without him) or he gets stressed about something else he'll go through pushing me away.   I make regular contact on my weekends away to make sure he knows I haven't abandoned him (since that is the root of his BPD).

Other than that... . I try not to worry about it.   What is important is how I take care of myself.  I give him space when he needs it and I give myself regular space because I know I need it.

[lizzie458]

I'm with allibaba on this one.  I recently realized that n the past I've tried to kind of play hard to get, which is totally difficult for me, to get him to miss me (it was also to inject some healthy space for us, but if I'm being truthful most of those times were tinged with control as well    ).  With my h it sometimes worked, and sometimes backfired.  As tiny as that control nugget was in the scheme of things, I think h caught on to it.  It has created another host of issues where h is now openly contemplating leaving (he never used to do that). 

IME it's best to act in accordance with my values and goals.  It's really difficult to do, especially when we first begin to recover from codependency, but it can be done one step at a time.  I have gotten into the habit of rethinking my actions before I take them (well, as much as possible!), and checking them with myself and people I trust to determine my true motives. We all have blind spots, and those can be exposed with some introspection and dialogue with others.

[nomoremommyfood]

I wonder how much having co-morbid addiction issues has played a role in the situation, too.

After breakups with other guys or fights with him - I used to dull the pain with substances. While things like alcohol would usually make it worse (drunk dialing), getting high with junkie friends was - at the time - way more fun than worrying about some jerk! 

He's a gambling addict, which makes it easy to avoid confronting anything else. And I'm sure that, when he's losing, it's a lot easier to think "if only that horse had come through" than "I've finally destroyed this relationship beyond repair."

I know a symptom of BPD is impulsive behavior - have others had the experience of someone "dulling out" the emotional area where guilt or longing via distracting, albeit compulsive, activities?

He thinks running away from me will solve his problems. But I'm not the source of his problems!  Sure, he might feel calmer etc because he's not in that "place" with me then he can practice some sort of out of sight, out of mind thing.

I want to believe he misses me terribly as I do him. I want up believe he's so sorry for the way he's behaved that he just can't bear up face me out of shame. But ... . ,

I totally agree! Male friends say "hold the power over his head" and he'll eventually get scared. But I'm not sure if this tactic will work on someone who's so screw-it-all-depressed, he's threatening suicide with more frequency than normal - even for him - and more frequently tearing down positive relationships with those close to him because he's "doing [us] a favor."

Ok, I don't know if I'm using the suicide threats to force contact or if writing that down really looks scary.

[MockingbirdHL]

My H mentioned knowing how it must have felt right before his brother committed suicide for the first time last week; on the phoen to me after I came home and found him gone with his clothes and some other stuff.  I'd never heard him even talk about suicide until then.  That was almost a week ago and I haven't seen him since.  The odd text here and there, just letting me know where he is for work and what not, but that's it.

[nomoremommyfood]

My H mentioned knowing how it must have felt right before his brother committed suicide for the first time last week; on the phoen to me after I came home and found him gone with his clothes and some other stuff.  I'd never heard him even talk about suicide until then.  That was almost a week ago and I haven't seen him since.  The odd text here and there, just letting me know where he is for work and what not, but that's it.

This is probably off-topic, but I've always wondered when to know if the threats are real or not. Some are scarier than others - particularly since, in your case, they're a new thing and not a near-daily occurrence, though the text messages may give hope?

Mine has threatened suicide hundreds, if not thousands, of times. Even as someone with training in treating suicidal people, I have no idea how to react.

Reading these posts made me worried about "out of sight, out of mind" - if there was no positive reminder, he'd forget about me and move on. I went to his house with his favorite magazine and a bottle of apple juice; he's been doing a Monday-Wednesday not-speaking-to-anyone-hiding-in-bed-after-gambling-loss thing for the past few weeks. Sometimes, I come over to let him vent about whatever went wrong at the track.

He was gone, so I left his little "cheer up" gifts with a friendly note hoping this will remind him that I do, in fact, exist. His roommate said he was in perfect spirits, earlier. Still, maybe a physical ob ject will jog his memory of good times together... . or enrage him.

[MockingbirdHL]

I don't know if he was serious or not, but it scared the hell out of me and his family.

After some glimmer of hope over the weekend (admitting in a text he had been reacting purely out of emotion) we are now back to nothing.  He just got back into town and texted me that he was going by our house to pick up his mail.  I said ok are we going to talk soon and his only reply was we can talk this week.

That's it.  I know he is going to tell me that he wants a divorce and is going to arrange to move all his stuff out of our house.  It is going to devastate me.  I don't want to lose him.  Does he not see that running away from me won;t solve ANY of his problems?  I guess not.

I think he works on the out of sight, out of mind thing too - if I am not around then he cna just think about something, anything, else and pretty soon he will stop thinking about me altogether I guess.  That kills me inside.

I don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

[nomoremommyfood]

God, reading the messages on this board makes me SO glad we never actually got married! Though still pretty pissed off that someone who called me his "beautiful wife" two weeks ago could later say he is (was?) only with me because I "forced" him. Just like I "forced" him to have intercourse and attend a play he invited me to!

I'm sorry about your husband, MockingBird. That's brutal. But there was the glimmer of hope over the weekend, which was only a few days ago.

I also had a "glimmer of hope" over the weekend that I'm holding onto like grim death - him speaking normally after he was "let off the hook" on attending the wedding, as he claimed he'd leave me right afterward if he went.

Plus, a calm, validating discussion where we agreed he needed space and I said I'd give it to him. His roommate reiterated that I should give him some time by himself. I kinda blew it by only waiting two days before contacting him and now am getting ignored. He's gone up to a week with "no contact" which happens more often when he's depressed. Oddly, I can go days without talking to him when there's no conflict but this feels like a building on my chest.

Had anyone had any success at dropping little reminders during periods of not speaking? How often should said reminders be dropped?

[allibaba]

Had anyone had any success at dropping little reminders during periods of not speaking? How often should said reminders be dropped?

When my husband storms off in a huff I make sure that he knows that I love him unconditionally throughout the huff.  That is because I am not playing a game and I am not trying to manipulate him back into coming back to me.  His biggest fear is being abandoned and I don't want him to confuse me giving him space with me abandoning him.  I am married and we have lived together for 10 yrs.  I am comfortable that I am the most important thing in the world to my husband.  I know that because he needs space doesn't mean that I should break contact... . that is just our situation.  Everyone is different.

I don't think of it as dropping reminders... . I think of it as Reminding him how I genuinely feel about him... .   it doesn't matter whether I am being painted black or not... . I try to disconnect from that and do what is right for me.

[lizzie458]

Again, ditto to alli!  I used to "drop reminders" to try to manipulate him to come back.  I tried everything to get him to stop being mad and just come back and hold me, be with me, etc. because it gets lonely - especially when the person who is painting you black is doing so based on inaccurate information, or you feel like they're overreacting.

I had to just plain stop reacting for a while to distance myself enough to figure out what would be the healthy, right course of action for me.  After a while I realized it was OK for me to let him know that I love him and I'm sad that he's upset (or whatever); but my motives had changed.  Now I check in from time to time with him whenever he's pulled away to reassure him and that's all there is to it - no trying to coerce him to come back prematurely.

[nomoremommyfood]

Giving space really seems to work!

As does giving - as someone else called in on another thread - a "ping" once and a while as a friendly reminder that you're there whenever they're ready.

Last night, I got some great advice from a male friend whom, after I found his insight into my bf's brain uncannily accurate, revealed he also has BPD. Though he confirmed the splitting, he also said something about my bf's behavior that I hadn't thought of before: "He's pushing you away so he can self-destruct." And desperately grasping for a sense of control after increased closeness; by contacting him, I was denying him the very space he needed. We devised a plan to leave him alone for a week, then sent a "I know you need space; looking forward to hanging out again."

Naturally, after all this plotting and planning, my bf ends up texting me last night with a polite "thank you" for the magazine I left at his house. I replied the next morning with "glad you enjoyed it." It's not a full return to normal, but I'm still happy!

Back to the subject, while I know all pwBPD are different, my BPD confidant claimed it was likely that one would be missed, though after a period of solo introspection... . hence the need to give them as much solo time as they need. Good advice!

[allibaba]

Sounds like you got some great advice from the BPD friend.  What a great resource!

[Chosen]

Sometimes, I think, we cannot really understand what goes on in our pwBPD's minds.  Everyone has a different character; some play more games, some don't.

The important thing therefore is to make sure we are doing the right things for the relationship.  I don't think playing any kind of games with a pwBPD will work, or will "make them miss us".  We can't force them to feel something they don't.  If anything, I think we should use tools to give the relationship some kind of stability (on our side) particularly because pwBPDs act on the emotion of the moment.  I don't know what help this will be, but at least we're not getting their 

[jonnyz]

Hi,

In my experience with uBPDh he will miss me, eventually,  but the missing comes after we have a fight and we go our separate ways either literally or figuratively.  There was one particular episode when we had a fight, don't even remember what about now, and I left with the kids for the weekend.  I was so foolish as to wait for him to reach out to me so that I would go home.  I will NEVER do that again.  Terribly dysfunctional. My point in all of this is, it's all part of a game.  I used to feel the same like you, that maybe if he just misses me or sees me gone it will make him somehow snap out of it.  But it doesn't!  It might for a little, little time, but it has no long term effect.  He won't suddenly realize all that he has in you just because you are out of his life for a short time.  In fact, I think it does more harm than good because in a way it is giving him all the power to decide how you fit into his life. 

I feel that the best thing to do is to carry on like normal.  Do what you normally do and give him his space if needed. Certainly don't pursue him, yes that's a bad idea because they want to feel in control of most things.  But pushing things so that he misses you will only perpetuate a dysfunctional cycle of push/pull.  You want to avoid playing in to  that as much as possible!

  So how do you not play into the push/pull?

[jonnyz]

Giving space really seems to work!

As does giving - as someone else called in on another thread - a "ping" once and a while as a friendly reminder that you're there whenever they're ready.

Last night, I got some great advice from a male friend whom, after I found his insight into my bf's brain uncannily accurate, revealed he also has BPD. Though he confirmed the splitting, he also said something about my bf's behavior that I hadn't thought of before: "He's pushing you away so he can self-destruct." And desperately grasping for a sense of control after increased closeness; by contacting him, I was denying him the very space he needed. We devised a plan to leave him alone for a week, then sent a "I know you need space; looking forward to hanging out again."

Naturally, after all this plotting and planning, my bf ends up texting me last night with a polite "thank you" for the magazine I left at his house. I replied the next morning with "glad you enjoyed it." It's not a full return to normal, but I'm still happy!

Back to the subject, while I know all pwBPD are different, my BPD confidant claimed it was likely that one would be missed, though after a period of solo introspection... . hence the need to give them as much solo time as they need. Good advice!

You are lucky he thank you.  My ex never thank me for the Christmas or Birthday presents I gave her. She has the presents I made hanging in her place. NO thanks for me. She did not even let me know she like them or not.   I only way I know she has them up is I'm friends with the daughter who stays with her sometimes and she told me.  I guess I'm painted blacker than black.  No hope for me.

[jonnyz]

Giving space really seems to work!

As does giving - as someone else called in on another thread - a "ping" once and a while as a friendly reminder that you're there whenever they're ready.

Last night, I got some great advice from a male friend whom, after I found his insight into my bf's brain uncannily accurate, revealed he also has BPD. Though he confirmed the splitting, he also said something about my bf's behavior that I hadn't thought of before: "He's pushing you away so he can self-destruct." And desperately grasping for a sense of control after increased closeness; by contacting him, I was denying him the very space he needed. We devised a plan to leave him alone for a week, then sent a "I know you need space; looking forward to hanging out again."

Naturally, after all this plotting and planning, my bf ends up texting me last night with a polite "thank you" for the magazine I left at his house. I replied the next morning with "glad you enjoyed it." It's not a full return to normal, but I'm still happy!

Back to the subject, while I know all pwBPD are different, my BPD confidant claimed it was likely that one would be missed, though after a period of solo introspection... . hence the need to give them as much solo time as they need. Good advice!

You are lucky he thank you.  My ex never thank me for the Christmas or Birthday presents I gave her. She has the presents I made hanging in her place. NO thanks for me. She did not even let me know she like them or not.   I only way I know she has them up is I'm friends with the daughter who stays with her sometimes and she told me.  I guess I'm painted blacker than black.  No hope for me.

You are lucky he thank you.  My ex never thank me for the Christmas or Birthday presents I gave her. She has the presents I made hanging in her place. NO thanks for me. She did not even let me know she like them or not.   I only way I know she has them up is I'm friends with the daughter who stays with her sometimes and she told me.  I guess I'm painted blacker than black.  No hope for me.

[nomoremommyfood]

The important thing therefore is to make sure we are doing the right things for the relationship.  I don't think playing any kind of games with a pwBPD will work, or will "make them miss us".  We can't force them to feel something they don't.  If anything, I think we should use tools to give the relationship some kind of stability (on our side) particularly because pwBPDs act on the emotion of the moment.

What baffles me about the BPD tools (and correct me when I'm wrong) is that they offer very little in the way of methods to deal with separation - whether silent treatments or necessary space.

What do you do when separation - good or bad - makes you unable to feel stability on your own side? I don't know about anyone else, but the lingering uncertainty - even though space is a good thing - feels like a constant pressure on my chest making it difficult to do normal activities. When things are normal, we frequently go days without speaking while busy with our own activities, and it doesn't bother me at all. But when there's the slightest hint that something's not right, I obsess... . if I obsess and I'm mentally sound (relatively), how can someone with an inherent fear of abandonment stand weeks without contact with the very person they fear will abandon them?

[Chosen]

if I obsess and I'm mentally sound (relatively), how can someone with an inherent fear of abandonment stand weeks without contact with the very person they fear will abandon them?

nomoremommyfood, I'm no expert but I believe it is the paradox that works at the core of every pwBPD that causese them to be pwBPDs.  Don't you find they tend to make pre-emptive attacks on minor issues, just so they could claim it's you who started the fight?  Or they keep on threatening to leave, then freaks out even at the slightest hint of you wanting to leave.  I read somewhere that deep down inside, they may really think there is something wrong with them and they don't deserve that love.  Therefore they treat people harshly and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.   But they still crave the love they don't deserve.

I get lots of the intense push/pull from uBPDh.  Just these few days, he claim he is leaving for a few days but he came back last night, saying he misses me, just to lash out.  In my head I think, "If he really thinks I am that bad, then certainly he can't be missing me."  I think he is feeling all the different emotions at once, and he can't make sense of them.

Like you, if I feel that something is wrong, my stomach gets up in knots and that becomes the most important issue in my mind.  In the past (before meeting H), I would have the need to solve every issue before going to sleep, otherwise it just nags me.  With him, I have given up a lot of expectation I have about interpersonal communication.  I think one of the most important things I have learnt here is that we cannot change anybody.  We may think that changing ourselves will lead to certain changes on their part, but we need to give up those expectations.  I can only be responsible for myself.  This is why I’m getting better at functioning even when our relationship is not going well (hard to do if I’m sleep deprived, but emotionally I’m ok).  I try my best to do what I can in that situation, and if H decides it’s not enough for him, and it’s not acceptable, then he makes his decision on what to do next- whether to leave, stay, threaten, whatever.  His reactions doesn’t mean I have done something right or wrong.  It’s just his reaction to my action, and I cannot control that.  Once I have accepted this, it helps me let go of the self-blame and guilty feelings that I’m always not doing enough.

[Rocknut]

My BPD boyfriend got in to the habbit of treating me horribly. He would call me and say, "I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Then I would go to his house a few hours later and he would say, "why are you here? I don't have feelings for you."

He did that back in March. I left him alone. 6 days later he showed up crying at my job, "why havnt you come looking for me?" He then begged to stay with me that night. The next morning he rolled over, said "I hate you" and stormed out of my house.

He later said he did all this to control me.

He gets a thrill when I chase after him. When I stop chasing he eventually comes back. However, the last time that happened it took 20 days for him to contact me. Who knows what he was doing in the mean time?

[lizzie458]

The thing about dealing with the space and uncertainty, the push/pull is that it bothers us so much because we're codependent.  We feel attached to our pwBPD, and therefore go on these rollercoaster rides with them.  Emotionally healthy people either leave the pwBPD when they start the "games," or they just get their needs met elsewhere. 

For me, remaining serene and peaceful during the push/pull has required me to get my needs met by other, safe, healthy people around me.  Plugging into friends, talking to y'all, going to my Al Anon meetings (some go to CoDA).  I think if you want to make a r/s work with a pwBPD and retain your sanity, you have to become emotionally healthy and separate yourself from them, while remaining empathetic.  It's difficult, which is why this board is so active    

But the things above have helped me, also when I catch myself thinking about what my dBPDh is doing, thinking, etc. and obssessing and worrying about him - I take that as my cue to change my focus and think about what I would like to do at that moment.  Sometimes that means going for a walk, taking a hot shower, going to see a movie, etc.  To tide me over for a while, I even made a "coping bank" which was a cup full of little pieces of paper, each one had something on it that I like to do.  You can google "coping skills" to get some more examples.  That said, reaching out to healthy people around me tends to work best.