I just had to get this off my chest

[Maryiscontrary]

A very disturbing incident happened about 15 months ago. My N father, who has come a long way, but is still clueless was visiting when my ex had just gotten out of the hospital for his psychotic break. We were all having a good time, when my ex flipped out and started screaming at me while smashing a hammer violently at nails on the back deck. My father, really stepping up, pleaded with him to calm down, that his anger would "destroy him". My ex was totally out of it and didn't hear a word.

Then my dad chastised me for staying in such an abusive environment, and allowed being talk to like that. And that he was so hurt be the display of abuse that he cried, as well as almost calling the police. Which came from the depths of his heart, for which I appreciated.

However, the violent behavior did not phase me like it should have, because my father acted exactly like that in the past, and was extreme like that when he was drinking. So the reason it didn't phase me like it would a normal person was that this extreme abuse was normal to me.


Well, guys, this has bothered the hell out of me for the last 15 months. This theme has been a component in these dissociations for over a year. I feel that if I didn't bring this up in a direct, but loving manner, that I would be violating my integrity in a way that would halt my recovery.

Should I lovingly confront the old man? Well, yes.

So it wrote him a nice letter, with [url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] in the beginning, middle, and end, telling him that I had to get this paradox off my chest. it was just hanging there, like a giant turdball hanging off a cow's butt hair. I mean, I can roll a lot of things off my chest. But keeping this to myself was a flagrant violation and insult to my attempts at recovery and living a life of integrity. And it is an insult to the relationship he and I have developed.

So I wrote it, and sent it. And got back a lame narcissistic injured response . But I wrote back that his reponse was not constructive and it was invalidating. And shoving this under the carpet will destroy the family.

I feel so better doing this. This was assertive communication. And the turdball hanging in front of my eyes appears gone. And the monkey on my back lighter, as well as the chip on my shoulder smaller.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Mary, This is awesome.  That takes a lot of courage. 

I talked with my therapist on Friday about the possibility of confronting my uBPD mom with some hurtful behavior.  I don't think she would really hear me, or she might, but then she would go back into her fantasy world. 

But I suppose the point in doing it is for me, not for her.  My therapist said I could either forgive her on my own or confront her.  I've forgiven her to an extent, but not fully.  I still have some anger.  When I have tried to bring her negative behaviors to the fore front in the past, she is a master at deflecting it away from herself.  She will not self reflect.  It would crash her false image of herself. 

With that sad, I think it's a huge deal that you confronted your dad and I'm happy for your progress.  You may never get the response you want from him.  But that's ok if you don't.  You are taking care of you now.  Your actions gives me strength.

[Maryiscontrary]

Yup, do it for yourself. I mean, this issue was the 900 lb gorilla in the room. He had brought up multiple times over the past year why I put up with that dangerous behavior.

Well, I answered him. And I put up with it no more. I don't feel courageous, I feel logical, because I am tired of communications being all screwed up, because I am holding back what I feel. It messes up the natural order of things, and while I certainly have no bearing over another persons actions, if I at least try to be clear and defined on my end, it does increase the odds of success.

So rather than chutzpah, it was irritation of having a screwed up dynamic, and correcting my end of it.

[nomom4me]

Hi Mary, I've read some of your posts over in workshops and feel like we have a few things in common.  I've realized that communication with my mom and other enmeshed family members is 70-90% negative, sometimes I feel like the only positive in maintaining contact is being in my niece and nephews lives, but they are increasingly poisoned against me because of my decision to limit contact.  Based on your name, I'm guessing our families may have religious views that are similar. When my mother guilt-trips me she gets on a moral high horse and throws around religious keywords like "blessings" but generally avoids any accountability for her own words and actions.

I cut off email contact with my mom because it was physically and emotionally draining, I initially made the decision during a job search when I needed email as a non-draining tool for productive communication.  At the time I had not read about BPD. When I do address my moms behavior specifically she has said she felt like I "put her in her place".  I've been punished for making this boundary, my mom sends emails through relatives and has resorted to reading a minors email to find a response from me. 

Reading your post, and also a thread started by longships yesterday I have been re-thinking the email boundary.  I just don't know if I am ready, I've had the boundary in place for three years (I didn't suspect she was disordered when I made the boundary.) I have tried giving her examples of her own words, she insists that nothing she put in writing was "that bad".  Once (out of hundreds of mails) she apologized for kicking me out of her house, but in the next paragraph she called me crazy and in subsequent conversations she has insisted that calling someone crazy is "not that bad".  I realized long ago that my mom cannot give a strait compliment, and I don't think she can give a sincere apology either.  The saying "too much water under the bridge" seems apt for my situation, the water has risen to the level where the bridge has been underwater so long that it would need serious structural work before it could support any weight.  Despite this my mother continues to use outright trickery to try to find a way to give me a piece of her mind in writing, she does not call - if she does it's a demand for facebook or email access (she is blocked on both). She has started planning all events online and pulls a busy executive act (she is a retired senior) and I feel like if I give her an inch, she will literally write a mile.  My mom has sent me hundreds of emails over the years, many of them pages long.  I don't know when or if I will be over the damage the emails have done, I can forgive something said in a moment of anger but I know my mom takes days in crafting her mails.  I don't feel satisfied calling her our, I don't aim to "put her in her place" but after the behavior I have seen from her she has no moral high ground online.  I don't think she realizes that, and I don't know if she ever will.

I commend both you and longship for having the wear-with-all to do a back and fourth exchange. I can see the advantages over phone or personal contact.  Maybe someday I'll be ready to open that channel of communication again, for me it feels like I'd be opening a flood gate.

[Maryiscontrary]

You may have nothing you need to say to her, and that's fine. This issue was bothering me greatly for over a year, and he has made some progress, after getting his ass severely beaten by life these last few years. I am non religious, and so it the family.

I am recovering from some nasty PTSD from a lot of trauma these last 8 years, and I just have to take out the garbage.

If you need to tell her something very specific, then find a way to do it somehow. If it is just malaise of a broken relationship, just protect your self.

Good luck... .