So many things trigger memories

[todayistheday]

I am the scapegoat child, sister is the golden child.

The tornado in OKC today reminds me of how little I meant to my Mom growing up.  While I should be feeling bad for the victims, and I do, I also think of an incident in my past.

I lived in OKC for two years when I was a teen.  I was 15, so that was about the worst time, because as I was coming into my own, Mom clamped down worse.

Our house was laid out in a fairly typical manner for OKC houses.  3 bedrooms on one side, living area in the middle, guest or in-law room and garage on opposite side.

This was when I was 15 when things went from really really really bad to even worse.

My Grandparents flew out to OKC to visit us while we were there.  :)uring that visit, a bad tornado hit our area. It actually went OVER our house, but did not touch down.  When it came through, everyone jumped into the safe area.  Grandparents from room on other side of house, family pets, golden sister... .  But me?  I somehow slept through the whole thing.  

Our house was not hit;  the tornado passed overhead, lifted up not long before our house. And a little later, came back down with more of a fury than before and destroyed much of one of the small townes enveloped by OKC. 

But I didn't even know about it until the next morning.  I was scapegoated to EVERYONE by my Mom.  Golden sister was protected.  I was forgotten.  I was essentially left to die.



My hubbie doesn't get it.  He thinks I need to let the past be the past.  In general I agree and try to.  Sometimes something triggers a forgotten memory like this and I get sad.

I do so feel for the victims of today's tragedy as well.  I just can't wrap myself around not only what they have gotten through today, but what the next months hold in store for them all.

[January86]

Hi  !

I can understand why you feel that way! Sometimes a movie, book... . remembers me of something that happened in my childhood and I feel sad for a week and the tornado event is by far much worse than my events. I feel so sorry for that happening to you, it must have been terrible the moment you realized the implications of it. I think that when we were kids we didn't go through the process, it would have been too much -in my case the official family version was that my Mum had bad mood sometimes and that's all- and now we have to go through all of it.

I wanted to give you all my support   because my boyfriend, that loves me and cares about me, doesn't get it. When I tell him I'm feeling bad he gives me support, but he tells me I should "change page" as soon as I can. I can't stand it when I hear that sentence. Once I tried to explain to him in a nice way that I preferred he wouldn't tell me that and that I thought it was better to go through the recovering process properly than quickly. He told that “of course you are right, but it is better you recover in some months that in a year right?”.

That brings all my validation down into pieces, and validation is the most important thing for me,  as I don’t have many evidences of my childhood, I am only child, my Dad doesn’t want to remember anything and all the versions were changed and changed again.

So now I decided I won’t need external validation to let myself be sad –easier said than done -. If some memory comes back and I need an evening (or more) for myself I’ll take it. I also decided not to get angry at my boyfriend, he doesn’t understand how big deal the BPD is and that the fact that being raised by BPD Mums has intrinsic consequences in our personality, self-steem…sometimes I feel there is no area in my life not full by BPD consequences. He has problems with his Dad, but not about his childhood, and thinks my problems should be solved the same way. I think you only truly understand the extend of it by living it.

So feel free to feel sad as much as you need! Just be sure you can keep being functional at work and basic stuff and also think about the positive achievements you’ve made, to keep perspective.This is my rule, what do you think?  Don’t let anybody –even if their intentions are good- make you feel your situation is “not that important”.

[ScarletOlive]

todayistheday,that is a scary and really sad memory. I'm sorry you went through that. You deserved to be protected and loved and cherished by your family. It sounds like you're in the remembering stage. I don't know if you've checked out the Survivor's Guide in the side panel, but it's really helpful as you go through the steps of healing.

Sending you much caring and support. 

[todayistheday]

I am pretty much in the healing stages.  Sometimes an incident or something will trigger one of the memories.  Actually, this memory was there all along.  But something so similar happening so close by brought me back to the moment.  I feel different about the memory now than I did before I started this process.

Before, I just thought that either they had all truly forgotten me or didn't feel that I was worth saving, or both.  Now I feel so different about it.  It's like "yep, yet another thing my Mom did to me."  Not as painful now as it used to be.  Just one more for the list now.  Probably like step 18 or 19. Except that the steps are far from in order for me.

[Clearmind]

Today, learning to manage triggers was very difficult for me. I had a load of twisted thinking that would get in the way.

I am pleased to hear you are in the healing stages. How do you manage your triggers when they come up for you?

Its so important for our own emotional health to move towards healing and being happy and looking forward - we can keep looking back if we permit it - its true there is a bunch of stuff that happened back then - little we can do change it - we can however change our future. In resolving the abuse (#18 ---> how can move to being a thriver... . the next stage in surviving?

[todayistheday]

I'm triggering again big time.  The ones tonight came VERY close to the house where I lived. I have been trying to figure out the exact path -- if did actually get the house that I lived in at the time.  Some of the locations are withing sight distance of where I did live.  The path of this one tonight looks similar to the path of the one that night.

It's an eerie feeling.  This time, I'm not triggering as much on my Mom leaving me for dead as I am on feeling odd with this one going right in the areas I was in then.