Red Flags

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

One of the things I started working through with my T was based on my personality, was why I suddenly packed my entire life into a suitcase, jumped on a plane, flew 3,500 miles and got married just months after meeting someone online. After finding out from him that my ex has BPD (she was seeing him before I did) I have really struggled to put the pieces together. Going over old e-mails, I do see a lot of the mirroring and the idealizing. What is perhaps more alarming is that on reflection I also see a lot of the red flags I chose to ignore. Perhaps the biggest red flag of all that I missed just 3 weeks into our conversations was when my ex had this to say about herself

I’ve had my hand on the table a few times and then decided that if there was a risk of my getting hurt it was easier to get up from the table and run.  At the same time, I think that part of that fear of getting hurt meant that I wasn’t meant to stay in the first place, so each time I ran it was something subconsciously telling me to do so, but at some point it also led to my shutting down and not letting anyone in, and if I did let someone in, before I could fully open the door I would slam it shut and off I would go with my running shoes.  Regardless, all has occurred for me as it should and I have no doubt as it is meant to, but that doesn’t make our human elements any easier to navigate at times.  So why am I telling you all of this?  It is part of what has made me the way I am now, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that part of me is scared as hell; I have never opened up so much to anyone so quickly and felt as though I’ve known them forever, and I have never truly been just myself entirely before, until now, and although frightened, there is no desire or inclination to lace up my shoes.

At that point, I should have told her that it's not called fate, it's called Borderline Personality Disorder. Not only does she recognise the traits but she then adds the "special" idealizing element on the end as if it's something she has done in the past but I am somehow special, so it is all different now.

[Murbay]

One of the things I started working through with my T was based on my personality, was why I suddenly packed my entire life into a suitcase, jumped on a plane, flew 3,500 miles and got married just months after meeting someone online. After finding out from him that my ex has BPD (she was seeing him before I did) I have really struggled to put the pieces together. Going over old e-mails, I do see a lot of the mirroring and the idealizing. What is perhaps more alarming is that on reflection I also see a lot of the red flags I chose to ignore. Perhaps the biggest red flag of all that I missed just 3 weeks into our conversations was when my ex had this to say about herself

I’ve had my hand on the table a few times and then decided that if there was a risk of my getting hurt it was easier to get up from the table and run.  At the same time, I think that part of that fear of getting hurt meant that I wasn’t meant to stay in the first place, so each time I ran it was something subconsciously telling me to do so, but at some point it also led to my shutting down and not letting anyone in, and if I did let someone in, before I could fully open the door I would slam it shut and off I would go with my running shoes.  Regardless, all has occurred for me as it should and I have no doubt as it is meant to, but that doesn’t make our human elements any easier to navigate at times.  So why am I telling you all of this?  It is part of what has made me the way I am now, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that part of me is scared as hell; I have never opened up so much to anyone so quickly and felt as though I’ve known them forever, and I have never truly been just myself entirely before, until now, and although frightened, there is no desire or inclination to lace up my shoes.

At that point, I should have told her that it's not called fate, it's called Borderline Personality Disorder. Not only does she recognise the traits but she then adds the "special" idealizing element on the end as if it's something she has done in the past but I am somehow special, so it is all different now.

[TippyTwo]

Murbay,

In retrospect, and once out of the fog, it is a lot easier to see the red flags, the odd comments, the thought processes, the behavior.

My ex really gave me a map, if I had seen it for what it was. It was kind of bizarre to see it for what it was.