How do I build up my self-esteem after dealing with BPD father?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here

I think that my father has BPD-I've read up about it and recognise most of the

BPD traits in him.

I am struggling to build up my self-esteem after his abuse-does anyone have

tips on this or things that have worked for them?

Thanks

[musicfan42]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here

I think that my father has BPD-I've read up about it and recognise most of the

BPD traits in him.

I am struggling to build up my self-esteem after his abuse-does anyone have

tips on this or things that have worked for them?

Thanks

[Kwamina]

Hi musicfan42 

Living with a BPD parent is very difficult, I'm sorry you had to go through this. Good thing you've find this website though, there are a lot of good resources here that can help you heal. I've struggled with low self-esteem as well as a result of the abuse by my uBPD mother. Her constant negativity has caused me to have a very negative inner voice/critic in my head. Something that helps me deal with this is writing down the negative/self-critical thoughts, try to identify the distortions in these thoughts and write down a positive response to combat the negativity. This technique is an example of cognitive behvaior therapy (CBT), this might be something you would want to check out. Take care and I hope you'll find some healing 

[musicfan42]

Thanks for your suggestion Kwamina It's a good idea-I think I'll try it out!

[Kwamina]

I'd also like to recommend the book "Feeling Good: The new mood therapy" by David D. Burns. It's about cognitive behavior therapy and I've found this book very helpful.

[meridian]

Hi Musicfan42,

I have a BPD Dad too!  It is very difficult in my opinion.  Every time I think I have a handle on things I realize I don't and I let him bother me again.  He is such a miserable person and he loves his misery and wants everyone around him to be as miserable as he is.  It is hard!  I really just don't like him.  I wish I had parents because I didn't.  I am a great Mom to my son.  That is the only saving grace I feel.  I have been angry for years and I am still angry.  I don't know if I will ever stop being angry.   Thanks for bringing up the topic.  It seems most of the parents are mom's.

[Clearmind]

Feeling Good book is a great place to start

How do I build up my self-esteem after dealing with BPD father? Part of our healing needs to delve into our faulty beliefs we have taken on from a dysfunctional childhood. E.g I was put down a lot as a child and was told I would fail - I then held a belief that I was unworthy and hopeless. I have since gone through the process of collecting data to prove to myself that what my father instilled in me was not true and was never true.

I go through days where this faulty belief runs through my head - however now I process it so much quicker because I know where it came from - its not my faulty belief so much as something I am now aware of and can process in a healthy way.

What are some faulty beliefs instilled in you as a child which you now carry through to adulthood?

[musicfan42]

Meridian-Yeah, it is nice to talk to people who had a BPD dad because I too have read about all the BPD mothers.

I have heard that having children of your own can be a healing experience for some people-that it can be an opportunity for them to do things differently than their parents did. So I'm really glad that you enjoy being a mother to your son... . that's really heartening to hear

I think that sense of anger is normal... . just be gentle on yourself and allow yourself to feel that anger when it comes up.

I know where you're coming from-I've been there. I began to let myself really feel that anger and realised that I was experiencing a sense of loss underneath the anger... . that it wasn't just anger, that there was a lot of hurt and pain underneath too. I feel a sense of loss over not having the type of paternal figure that I would have liked-I'm an adult now but I still would love to be able to go to a father figure for advice... . that's the big thing I long for now really. I feel fortunate to get good advice from my mother but I feel like I'm lacking a male perspective at times, especially when it comes to relationships.

I feel like men are so cut and dry, so blunt and sometimes, that bluntness is needed when it comes to problem solving. It's not that I dislike having a female perspective-I think some women can be very supportive but it's just nice to have that counterbalance there too, that's all. I definitely seek out advice from males in my life now-almost to get a sense of what a male perspective is on issues because I've been around matriarchal figures all my life really... . where women were strong and the men were useless pretty much. As a child, I longed for attention from my father deep down but now that I'm an adult, it's not so much attention because I'm able to take care of myself... . it's more just a sense of loss over what could have been.

I didn't realise that I felt a sense of loss until I became an adult-and then I was at a stage where I could finally be cognisant of it. It was like I was in denial for all those years-thinking that I hated my father whereas when I looked back, I realised that yes, there was hatred there but there was also an emotional longing present too and that honestly shocked me... . I hadn't been expecting that whatsoever. I had thought beforehand that I was strong and able to handle anything as well as feeling a sense of self-loathing... . a very weird mix I know! So I was surprised that I felt a sense of emotional vulnerability... . I hadn't really been in touch with that part of me beforehand at all... .

As a child, I don't think I had the maturity to realise that it wasn't my fault-I blamed myself for my father's poor parenting whereas now as an adult, I realise that I was let down by my father. I feel that I still carry a lot of false guilt and shame over my father's emotional abandonment.

I just wonder how do you deal with that sense of shame... . that sense of not being good enough even though logic would clearly dictate otherwise. That's really why I posed this question in the first place-just to hear how people get past that sense of not being good enough... . of feeling like they need to earn love as opposed to get it freely... .


Clearmind-some of the faulty beliefs that were instilled in me as a child were:

-I'm not good enough... . I have to be perfect or else I'm just nothing.

-love has to be earned (I've tried to work on this... . I just act like myself in relationships now instead of people pleasing and I set boundaries, try not to fix others... . I feel like I'm doing okay with this issue)

-I'm not entitled to rest or have fun... . I have to be productive all the time (I still feel guilt when I'm idle-no idea how to get past this mindset)

-I'm "impatient"-told that a lot by my mother... . I can be impatient but I'm very tired of hearing it! I feel like it's a relatively minor character flaw in the grand scheme of things... . (this isn't a major issue but I feel like it's an unfair criticism basically)

-I'm "stubborn" for speaking up and/or defending myself and/or having a different opinion to the rest of my family... . not really allowed to have my own opinion on things... . have to conform to my family's idea of success in life or else I'm just a failure in their eyes... . I'm a "free spirit"/weird for not agreeing with family members on things, "not flexible enough". I've heard a LOT of criticism from family members down through the yrs, not just my BPD father. I feel like I am stubborn but then another part of me thinks that some of my stubborn nature is good-that I needed to be stubborn in my family of origin or else I'd just end up being a total doormat. I felt like my father was very abusive and I always knew that his behaviour was wrong, even if the other family members didn't like me making a big deal of it. If I don't listen to my mother's advice, then I'm not "taking the help that's been given". I can see her point of view but I still feel like she tries to fix everything too much and never really listens to what I have to say.

-I'm a burden for being emotional... . it's better to hide my emotions/not talk about them... . if I'm depressed, just take my anti-depressants and be done with it as opposed to actually deal with the issues that lie under the surface. I think my family are big on "quick fix" solutions as opposed to really tackling the issue. I have an eating disorder and my family tend to focus on the weight side of things as opposed to the psychological angle and that frustrates me

-I have to constantly strive to be better

-I have to fix things

-I have to be morally perfect... . it's not okay for me to feel competitive or jealous... . I always have to wish others well and be the "bigger person", even if they've done something wrong on me (I'm pretty much over this one too but it creeps up now and again so thought I'd add it in too)

-sometimes I do get a sense of "I'm always right" because everyone in my family thinks that they're right all the time. (I really struggled to listen to other people because I was so used to debating my point in my family of origin... . everything was an argument. I feel like I've mostly overcome this issue... . sometimes it still creeps up but I can handle it.)

-I'm either superior to others or inferior to others-there is no in between. (I realise now that everyone is struggling with some kind of issue deep down so this belief has lessened but at the same time, I still experience this issue to a certain extent)

-I'm unlovable

-my body isn't good enough, my appearance isn't good enough

-I'm worthless

-I'm incapable of solving my problems

-I'm broken/something wrong with me

-I'm incapable of feeling confident

-I can't stick to things. I can't stick to friendships/relationships/goals. I always feel a sense of restlessness. I feel like I'm capable but that my sense of emptiness and restlessness is an obstacle right now

-I have to be loyal to others even if they don't deserve that loyalty (don't think this anymore but this was definitely a core belief that I had)

I'm not sure if all of these are faulty beliefs per se but these are the general themes that come up when I think about this issue... .

I feel like my father brainwashed me basically-I feel like I was in some weird cult as a child and that I'm having to undo the damage now... . that's the best way I can put it. I notice that I tend to read stories about abuse cases such as the girls kept in the Cleveland house or cases about actual cults or domestic violence cases or memoirs detailing someone's eating disorder etc-I feel a sense of affinity with victims.

[Clearmind]

Wow! OK you actually know yourself well. This is good. Impressive list musician. Your list could not be any closer to the list I made - I would suggest that we all have a few if not many of these. Having a BPD parent is tough - our needs were negated and we need to looks at how this has impacted on us.

We are adults with adult privileges now - we get to choose how we think, feel and be.

Some of your points are faulty beliefs you hold about yourself and some lie within the tyranny of shoulds. "I should be more productive" "I should be perfect". Reframing our thoughts when we catch them can really help.

What can we do? Many of our thoughts are heady thoughts - our inner critic going napalm on us. We need to come down into our body more and feel how these beliefs impact on our body - check in if you will - pause and see where we are at rather than flying the "I am hopeless" route.

Recognising our triggers - one of mine is being criticised by others because it reconfirms my faulty belief that "I am not good enough" really took some working through. Recognising where it stemmed from, my childhood, is 90% of the battle.

You have an awareness musicfan of your being and the impact it has. YOu are not brainwashed my friend, you were not nurtured and protected. Now its time to nurture and protect you, show yourself some kindness and compassion.

To start I cannot recommend this series highly enough - well worth the time - The Self-Acceptance Project

Finding Our Sense of Fundamental Worthiness

[meridian]

Hi Musicfan42,

I have to say first of all, I am very impressed by you musicfan42.  I think you are a very courageous person.  Most importantly, you are a survivor and in the end you will be fine.  I have experienced many of the same struggles as you through out my life.  I am a little older now and I have resolved some of them.  I believe I have good boundaries today and I work hard on paying attention to that by not invading any other person space.

I find myself very lonely as you do.  I do better by myself most of the time.  I have a difficult time trusting people because I never trusted my parents.  I do have a good relationship with my Mom but she is not a borderline.  I have never had a good  or healthy romantic relationship.  The scary thing is that I don't even want one.  I like men but have no desire to be connected to one.  It is not strange to me because I know these issues from from the fact that my father is a borderline.

I am a single Mom because my son's father has not been in the picture since my son was two.  I believe he was also a borderline.  He called me up to thirty times a day.  Drove me crazy!  Had to know everything I was doing and at the time I lived in NY and he was in CA.  He has been out of our lives for almost 9 years now.  I am grateful for that.  I see and hear these horror stories about custody and these people threatening spouses and threatening the kids.  It is truly awful.

I lucky on that aspect.  He is not on my son's birth certificate and he was not a citizen of this country. 

I am still dealing with my own Dad who seems to be getting worse each year.  My Dad has always been a high functioning borderline and he had power and money.  Because he was so high functioning no one realized that he was a borderline.  The whole thing really shook me up when I read "Stop walking on eggshells".  That book floored me.  But it also woke me up and made me realize what has been going on all these years.

I had been watching my son closely since he was four.  I was suspecting at the age of four that he might have a learning disability.  It was confirmed to me at age 7 that he has dyslexia and ADHD and auditory processing disorder.  A lot for a single Mom to deal with but I did.  I found a great school and we had to move back to NY from NC but he is in one of the best schools in the country.  The school district is paying for it.   Through this whole process I found out I was also dyslexic and I requested my high school records and there it all was.  A diagnosis of dyslexia and auditory processing disorder.  I was stunned!  Then I became so angry that I was so ignored as a child.  I have been dealing with all that this past year.  I am coming to terms with it and trying to move past it but it is hard.  It would have helped me so much to know that information.  It has helped me clarify so many things I never understood about myself.  It has helped me to be a better parent. 

The pain from all this is off the chart.  It is just pure neglect in my opinion.  That's what we got having borderline parent pure neglect and abuse.  They are completely unconscious about it and we are left with the devastating effects and trying to pick up all the pieces and trying to have some kind of life.  At times, I totally hate him and wish him pain and death and at other times I feel sorry for him.  That is where I find myself in between this crazy place.  This is part of the story.  There are other parts but maybe if I write a book I can get it all down.

Thanks for Listening,

Meridian

[musicfan42]

Kwamina-I actually bought The Feeling Good Handbook and I've been reading a bit of it... . thanks for the book recommendation!

Clearmind- Thank you Yes, I am self-aware but I've worked on it... . I really want to utilise my self-awareness though-I feel like I'm stuck right now... . wondering what my next step is... . wondering how to feel better. So I just decided to be really open to all the suggestions that people are giving me here and try them all out and see how I get on. I checked out the website you gave me on self-acceptance plus the link on reframing thoughts.

It's good to discuss core beliefs with someone else too... . I have been trying to work on it but it's good to get feedback on it from someone else too... . sort of like "oh this is how I'm getting on with it too".

You are definitely right when you say that I wasn't brainwashed... . that I just wasn't protected and nurtured enough.

Meridian-I can relate to a lot of what you say. You sound like a great mother to your son. It's great that you were so determined to get him the treatment that he needed. It's good that you found out about your own diagnosis. I know that it must be frustrating to find out about it as an adult but it's better late than never.

You mention that your father seems to be getting worse-I've had the exact same experience with my own father. I have issues with relationships because of my father. I feel that it's easier to keep men at an emotional distance-to just rely on them for practical things like "oh can you help me change a tire?" or something like that .

I know where you're coming from when you say that you hate your father at times but then feel sorry for him at other times. When I was growing up, I just hated my father... . it was pure hatred... . that's all that was there. Then, when I went to therapy, I still hated him but started to feel sorry for him because I realised that he had all these issues from his own childhood. I don't hate him now but I definitely still feel angry towards him... . just not to the same extent as I did before though. I'm more aware of my own emotional pain now... . of what I missed out on so I guess my focus is more on myself than him now... . on getting my emotional needs met now... . on learning good coping mechanisms to deal with life etc.

[musicfan42]

Clearmind-I'm actually thinking more about my core beliefs. And what I said about my family thinking that I'm "stubborn". I didn't feel like I could really pursue my own choices in my family-that I had to do what THEY wanted me to do. My father was abusive so yeah, that makes sense. But I also feel like my mother tried to mould me into what she wanted me to be instead of respecting my autonomy. I find that when my family give me advice, I want them to butt out, period and let me figure it out myself because I feel like they're too opinionated... .

I think that in my family, doing what I wanted=wrong whereas doing what THEY wanted me to=right. That was the basic rule really and it's still like that. If I take their advice, then I'm the "good girl" whereas if I don't, I'm "stubborn", "impatient"... . I'm basically split black and they think that I'm the "bad girl"-unruly etc. I don't think my family want to hear my point of view-they don't want to listen because they just have this good/bad dichotomy in their head almost... . there is no in-between with them really.

I just mention this because I'm curious as to whether others here have experienced this phenomenon... .

[Cordelia]

musicfan42 I relate to so much of what you wrote.  I definitely have experienced this

I think that in my family, doing what I wanted=wrong whereas doing what THEY wanted me to=right. That was the basic rule really and it's still like that.

And there's no understanding of contingency or things being different in different situations.  Because I didn't go out for my father's Thanksgiving Day command performance last year because I was undergoing fertility treatments and had to be in the doctor's office every other day, I am now labeled "unwilling to travel for family events" as though that would be the case forever in all circumstances.  And it's completely out of context so the many times in my life that I DID travel to wherever dad happened to be didn't matter.  ONE time because of special circumstances I didn't fulfill my expected obligation to the family and now that's seen as some key to my character and to what to expect from me from now on.  I know that what dad thinks is not my problem but it's intensely frustrating to have this feeling of having to live up to totally inflexible standards, where it doesn't matter what's going on in your life or what your challenges are, you just have to do what's expected of you without comment or complaint or be painted black.  (To differing degrees, to my enDad he just jumps to these unwarranted conclusions, to my uBPDmom I was actually a demon when I didn't do what she wanted, that's why I don't speak to her at all anymore.)

I just wonder how do you deal with that sense of shame... . that sense of not being good enough even though logic would clearly dictate otherwise. That's really why I posed this question in the first place-just to hear how people get past that sense of not being good enough... . of feeling like they need to earn love as opposed to get it freely... .

This is such a key thing and it's not easy, and I'm not 100% there yet for sure.  I still think of love as something you have to earn to deserve.  I don't think that's always a bad thing... . it motivates me to put a lot of energy into caring for those that I love, and when those that I love are healthy, they appreciate that and return my caring back to me, and then I appreciate THAT, and it's a virtuous cycle where we create more and more love through doing loving things for each other.  But certainly the sense of anxiety at the root of it can be troubling, and create problems.  I think I'm just learning that I don't have to be perfect to be loved by being in loving relationships with healthy people.  Sometimes I get really worried in situations that don't make sense to someone with a healthier background - for example when I'm sick and can't take care of myself I start to panic because I think I'm about to be abandoned because I'm too much trouble.  But seeing that the ones that really love me don't mind putting in extra effort sometimes and they stick around even when I'm not being incredibly easy to deal with eases the anxiety and reassures me that there are people in my life who WILL be there through good times and bad and that puts me in a different mindset.  Losing the anxiety and the sense of inherent worthlessness is a slow thing so far... . drip by drip it is dissolving but a lot is still there.  What also helps I think is accepting yourself for where you are right now and not being disappointed in yourself for not being able to jump over all the problems created by growing up in a dysfunctional family in a single leap.  It may take a while for you to feel as good as you want to, or to align your instinctive beliefs with your considered adult reflections, but that's okay.  Where you are right now is exactly where you need to be, and healing is an organic process that unfolds in its own way, over time.  Just like a plant doesn't seem to be doing much when it's under the ground as a seed, but it's actually building everything it needs to bloom, and then one day it appears like magic, nothing may seem to be happening and then change may seem to happen overnight.  It's a mysterious but beautiful process that can be nurtured but not micromanaged!   

[meridian]

Clearmind,

It used to be like that for me when I was growing up as well.  My Mom is not a borderline and she divorced my Dad 20 years ago.  I do have a different relationship with her.  Dad still gets angry and stuck in a place and can't see anyone else's side of things.  So, I just avoid the subject that he stuck on and son't talk to him about it.  Since I have realized he is a borderline I really don't take his advice very seriously.  I don't trust his judgement and that has helped me not take what he says so personally at times.  I still take some things personally especially when he attacks me.  That did happen in February and I just limited my conversations with him in time and duration.  I find myself moving away from him more and more.  I care about him but I have nothing in common with him and is becoming less and less.  It feels like it is happening naturally.  My Dad did remarry another borderline.  It is possible that I am out and she is in.  I am not playing that game and I don't care.  Thanks.

[musicfan42]

Cordelia-Oh that sounds tough Cordelia. I like what you say about the seed growing into the plant-that really makes a lot of sense

Meridian-lol... . I'm agreeing with you again! I never really took my father's opinion on things seriously-I always tended to just do the opposite because I was very opposed to him trying to control me in any way.

[musicfan42]

I'm noticing that a few people on the thread here have mentioned parents having unrealistic expectations or basically feeling judged in some way... . first, Kwamina talked about the inner critic, Clearmind talked about reframing thoughts, Meridian talked about experiencing similar issues to me, Cordelia talked about feeling frustrated by her parent's unrealistic expectations of her and of course I talked about similar issues.

I've been studying mindfulness skills in DBT and it mentions the importance of non-judgement... . of not judging your thoughts and/or feelings. I think my father loved me in his own limited way but it was a judgmental type of love whereas I want to feel more of a self-accepting type of love towards myself. I think that's what Clearmind was getting at when she mentioned the self-acceptance website link. I had to really think about this topic and see what thoughts/emotions were coming up in response to everyone's comments... .