My first smear campaign :(

[BlueCat]

I'm not doing well. Sigh. I totally screwed up.

I posted my sister's email in another thread. I was ok with not responding. But then the next day I get a calm email from my sister-in-law saying I should get help for the sake of myself and my children.

I lost it. I totally admit I lost it and what happened next was completely wrong of me and I totally regret it.

I first replied to her calmly and set her straight and man, I wish I had stopped there.

But then I sent an email to my entire family and my in-laws detailing exactly why I was no longer talking to my mother and sister and asking them to please not believe the lies being spread.

Yeah, I JADEd all over the place. It was horrible.

The replies I got were all saying they didn't want to get in the middle of this. Which I get. It's a healthy boundary they have. But it also feels like my mother and sister get to tell everyone I'm disturbed and I'm not allowed to respond. Which I'm sure isn't true. Maybe people are telling my sister the same thing? Well, some people at least (not the inlaws obviously).

Anyway, yeah, I screwed up. I wrote a reply this morning apologizing and just saying please, if you really are concerned about me, how about getting to know me and seeing that I'm not like the lies.

More JADE. And now I'm stepping away because my sanity has finally returned. I can't believe I did all that. I know better than that, I really do.

Then my sister wrote my husband and told him he's the only one who can "get through to Bluecat" and I just feel defeated. He asked me what to do and I said it's up to him. Reply, don't reply, it won't help either way.

I just feel so battered right now.

My mother is friends with my mother-in-law which is where the in-laws are getting their information about how concerned they are about me, how sick I am, whatever. So yeah, they're definitely buying the party line.

Man, this is so hard. I've read stories of others who put up with smear campaigns and was glad at least I didn't have to deal with that. I get what you guys went through now  

I feel like we need to sit down with the inlaws though. She said I was also pulling away from them. I don't have a warm fuzzy relationship with them but it's ok. But in my 40's my allergies got worse and every time I went to the inlaws (cats) I would get sniffly or (eventually) start wheezing badly. And finally last year (2011/2012) I skipped some holidays. Not that I really enjoy going anyway, but also - I like breathing. It's fun. I want to continue doing it. So I skipped I think 2 holidays. 

Then I went to the allergist last fall and got two (not one, two!) prescriptions to take at the same time when I go to their house and a steroid inhaler in case I still wheeze. After that I started going to holidays again. I went to Christmas (needed the inhaler) and Easter (didn't need it).

And *now* I hear about how I don't show up? She said something about me turning down invitations. They have literally never invited me somewhere other than family events. I hear all the time about them antiquing or going to shows or whatever and I have never once been invited which hey, I'm ok with because like I said, we're not close. But why not invite me and then complain I don't do things with them? Are they expecting me to invite them?

Or, more probably, are they feeding off my "concerned" mother's energy and just jumping in with yeah, she didn't show up to some holidays last year and she say's it allergies but it's probably her problems that she needs help with!

Ugh. Battered is the word. I just feel so beat up, you know? I don't feel depression coming on (phew!) and I think I just need a few days to work past it but what's happening this week, this is going to change everything. Nothing will ever be the same.

My inlaws are sane, just hoodwinked so maybe we can sit down and clear the air and get somewhere with them. Who knows, maybe we'll have a better relationship on the other side. And if not, then ok, I can live with that too (my kids aren't close to them either - they aren't overly child friendly).

But my family  - I truly am alone now. They love me but I'm not allowed to talk about this with them. That's a big "but".

I just need some support. And I know I screwed up so don't worry, I know I did wrong, ! I just need some support if anyone is willing to tell me the world won't end and I'll get through this  :'(

[BlueCat]

Yeah, so it got worse.

My sister-in-law has decided this is a good time to tell me everything she doesn't like about me and my kids.

Over the years I have gotten weird vibes from the inlaws. Off hand comments here and there, a rushed and whispered conversation away from me one holiday, the obvious difference in my Christmas gifts. Some of it my husband noticed, like the gifts. But often it was so subtle I thought it was just me.

I am, after all, a child of abuse and I can be hyperaware. I thought I was being over sensitive, reading too much into things. So many times I told people that I wasn't what you'd call close with my inlaws but that I lucked out and didn't have the issues with them that other people had with theirs. I told people they meant well. That they didn't go out of their way to invite me places (and hey, I didn't invite them out either) but that they liked me and were nice to me.

But apparently my hyper awareness was spot on.

She doesn't like either of my children. One is too sensitive and the other is "arrogant".

She says that my daughter (the "arrogant" one) is faking being scared of dogs. That 6 or 7 years ago my daughter jumped on a couch to get away from the sweet, but over excitable, barking 100 lb (not kidding) untrained dog they have and when she was reprimanded for jumping on the couch she went to us and "played" us and pretended to be scared because she was angry they told her no. And then kept up the act ever since. She really thinks my daughter (who is now 14) has been pretending she's scared of their dog for 6 or 7 years for I don't know what reason. She didn't even give a reason for why she would keep up an act like that so long, but she thinks this is true.

I talked about my allergies and the asthma reactions I had been having and reminded her that we told them at the time that my worsening allergies were why I was skipping holidays (until I got the medication from the allergist and started attending holidays again). And for the record, we talked about it verbally, in person, with all of them, many times so they were all aware. There had been comments that made me think they didn't believe me, or thought I was over reacting (who knows, maybe she thought I was "playing" them just like my daughter?) and I guess I was right.

She wrote back and said sometimes people have to do things out of obligation. No concern whatsoever for my physical well being and comfort. None.

She brought up a rude comment her brother made to her. I told her that yes, that was rude, but she should bring it up with him. But I did explain why I didn't say anything at the time.

My inlaws like to tease each other (the siblings - not my MIL). It's what their father did and honestly, they are all (even my husband) a bit jerky at times. But over the years I've noticed that whenever I tease my husband or say anything even slightly critical to/about him in front of the inlaws the room goes silent. So no, I didn't say anything when he made that rude comment. I waited til we had left and then told him it was mean to say what he did to his sister. So we'll see what she has to say about that.

But when this started I thought it was just them getting sucked in by my mother. Now I see it's much deeper than that.

I really thought we could talk this out and get somewhere, but I no longer do.

This is really hurting my husband too. He knows that his mother is the one who talks to my mother, so even though she hasn't emailed me, she's the one stirring this all up. And over the years he's noticed the thoughtless gifts I get and he's told me he doesn't know why that happens, they like you and he honestly believed that.

So yeah, it's not entirely my mother's fault of course, since obviously my inlaws have their own issues with me, but you know, I could have happily gone the rest of my marriage without knowing any of this. My sister-in-law only told me all this because she was spurred on by my mother's lies and her family's gossip and jumped on the Dump on Bluecat bandwagon. Wheee! Free rides for all.

I should also mention it was my younger child's birthday yesterday. She didn't send a card or any well wishes. Instead she sent the email telling me he's too sensitive and my daughter is a liar. Aunt of the year.

So that's my life this week. Fun fun! 

[Marcia]

Well, you poor dear. This is way too much drama. It sounds like you may need a time out from all of them... . It's hard to keep on an even keel when there are so many participants in the snark. Something I read recently about BPD sufferers suggests that when they are "being nice" they feel like they are just "acting" and they like to fight because they feel that that is when people are being more "real."

I know that is true for my BPD mom, but I really can't stand conflict, unless there is a real and important reason for it, so ultimately I felt my family and I had to go NC with her to not be miserable.

I feel for you, and am sorry to hear about so much hurtful behavior in your midst... .

[BlueCat]

Thanks Marcia

I've made a bit of progress with the inlaws at least. They are not disordered, just, well, just my SIL being a jerk who thinks she gets a say in how to run my life.

So my MIL asked me why I didn't share this two years ago.

Sigh. I feel like I can't win. I try to talk to my family and get told I'm putting them in the middle, they don't want to get involved, etc. The few I talked to when this started said that (lots of lip service to how they support and love me and they support and love my mother - nothing concrete said, no real advice, nothing helpful. No one wants to hear my story, they just want to pretend everything is fine. ). They said it again after my huge mistake of an email.

I thought I was taking the high road by not sharing with the inlaws. I thought it was between my mother and my self (and later, my sister). I thought maybe my family would be there for me (ha!) but the inlaws? I really didn't think I should involve them. Sharing with them just felt like gossip. However my mother has been sharing all over the place, ! So yeah, that backfired on me.

So now my MIL knows the other side of the story at least.

Unfortunately it will be hard to get past what my SIL said, especially what she said about my kids. I don't think my relationship with the inlaws will ever be quite the same after this. But eh, it's not like it was a big, warm fuzzy anyway.

Anyway, that's it for now I guess. It's died down. SIL has stopped responding. I bet she came to her senses and regrets what she said. My MIL seems to be listening to me. No emails from my mother and given past experience, my sister will probably not send another abusive email until there's some sort of holiday or birthday or something that sets her off (which, yeah, is typical PD isn't it? )

[P.F.Change]

Dang, you've been going through a lot lately.   

Frankly, your in-laws don't sound like a completely healthy bunch. At the end of your first post, you said they "are sane, just hoodwinked" and I wanted to say, "If they were really all that 'sane,' they wouldn't be hoodwink-able." Wouldn't healthy people who cared about you look at the things your sister or mother said and be like, "Wow, that's weird, I wonder what BlueCat's perspective is on all this?" But by your next post you figured this out on your own.

Who cares if you were "pulling away" from your ILs, anyway? Are they all supposed to be your BFFs and you're not allowed to have your own needs or boundaries or life? Are you supposed to grovel at their feet hoping for a crumb of their approval and attention? Maybe I'm reading too much between the lines here, but these family dynamics just sound way too familiar. At a minimum there seem to be some serious boundary issues. You are being scapegoated. These are adults who have  the ability to form their own opinions. Your FOO may be feeding them skewed information, but they have the ability to look at other evidence. This behavior is theirs to own--can't be blamed on your FOO.

Your SIL sounds like a miserable person. I wouldn't blame anyone for "pulling away" from that kind of negativity. I am sorry she is punishing your children for being yours. That is not fair to them. You say you "bet she came to her senses" because she's stopped replying. Have you ever seen her demonstrate remorse before? Does she apologize?

What has your DH's relationship been like with his sister? What is his reaction to having his wife and children treated this way?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Sasha026]

My God, you are in the middle of a smear campaign. I've been there and it's just awful. My therapist told me that borderlines are what they call "crazy making", in that they make you act like your the crazy one, projecting their craziness on you.

I also love the way when you defended yourself against her smear, the people getting your e-mail said, "we don't want to get in the middle" - excuse me? Then why did they put themselves there from the beginning? Did they say that to her as well? I don't think so. The gossip was too good when it was about you but when you decided to defend yourself - "hey, I don't want to get involved"... . I remember that one and it can be maddening! If they can't take a stand and support you - you don't need them... . not one bit.

What right does your SIL have to go around like she's the be all to end all? How dare she? How dare she go after your daughter? What nerve! What does your husband say? I think this part is his responsibility.

Blue Cat, when people do this, I've always found that they have nothing better to do with their lives so you become the "star of the week". Gossip is a very dangerous thing in that it ruins your reputation... . I've heard it mixed in with the fifth commandment, "Thou shalt not kill". Thou shalt not kill someone's reputation either. It's reprehensible and unforgivable.

I, too, used to have terrible allergies when my husband and mother were alive. Also need an inhaler. When they both died, so did my allergies. I think this group is detrimental to your health and a good reason to walk away. Your main concern is your health and your immediate family and they are the only ones who count.

Are you NC with your mother? On this (and this is only my opinion), I would call her and tell her to stop gossiping about me or there could be legal ramifications. Now this is me and I don't know what could happen to you if you followed my advice but this woman has to leave you alone. It's just not fair.

((Hugs))

[BlueCat]

The problem with my SIL is that she has never - not in 16 years of me being in this family - never said a bad word to me. She's been nice to me this whole time. She's never apologized because she's never had anything to apologize for.

YSIL is obnoxious and I would have expected it from her. MIL and OSIL are sort of distant but like I said, so am I. I get crappy presents but I talked myself into thinking they just suck at shopping for other people (I'm pretty good at it but I also know it's not because I care more but because some people just have that talent, you know?).

The whispered conversation was started by MIL. OSIL made an innocent conversational comment about using the gift cards they got for Christmas. I didn't get any but I didn't think it was a big deal. MIL pulled her aside and whispered real quick to her and then a few minutes later OSIL made a point of saying the gift cards were from someplace else. That's when I started feeling really weird about MIL and her gifts to me but OSIL wasn't the instigator there.

The comments over the years that I mentioned were YSIL.

OSIL has always been nice, polite, sweet even. Kind to my face, kind to my kids.

She was the only one who actually tried to get my son into a conversation this Easter. Twice. Both times MIL interrupted and turned the conversation back to other stuff.

So for 16 years she's been perfectly nice to me. Not overly warm and fuzzy, she doesn't call me to chat or invite me places but again, neither do I. But nice to me for 16 years and now it turns out she's been, what, lying? I don't know.

DH is not close to either sister. He doesn't like YSIL at all (the obnoxious one) but even though they're not friends, he thought OSIL had turned her life around. They grew up with a violent alcoholic father (now dead) and so her youth was spent yelling back at him and then she got into drugs and then eloped at 18 to get away from the house. But eventually she straightened out (got divorced when he left her, remarried to a nice guy) and now she's in her 50's and really seems to have it together.

She was not able to have children of her own and had many miscarriages and I do wonder if part of this is that I married her brother and started having kids pretty soon. And DH said maybe she expects us to parent the way her father did. She specifically said my son is "too sensitive". Dh told me a story about once when he was a cub scout he cried because some derby thing didn't win (or something) and his father hit him in the face to get him to stop crying. So yeah, maybe that's where she's coming from.

And she said my daughter is "arrogant". Which 100% can be used to describe YSIL and (when she was younger) OSIL. We've often joked (to each other) that we don't know if our strong willed daughter takes more after his sister or mine. The difference being that our daughter is growing up and while she's still strong willed, she's much more polite and PC about it nowadays that she's a teen. Because she's not disordered, she was just a kid and her behavior (while obnoxious at times) was within the realm of normal for 3, 6, 8, etc. 

YSIL is in her 40's and still obnoxious, arrogant, jerky. And my sister (just hit 40) is the same but much, much worse. An 8 year old acting that way is one thing and, if she is lucky, the adults around her will deal with it in a calm manner without over reacting. A woman in her 40's acting that way? Totally different thing.

My mother told me my whole life how abusive and horrible her parents were and how hard she had it. Then I have kids and they start acting like kids (which means at times they'd be obnoxious) and then she started telling me how she'd never have been allowed to act that way as a child. So yeah, I know how sometimes kids who were abused can grow up to justify that abuse and turn it on others. I think DH is right and that's where OSIL is coming from.

DH is sad about all this but he doesn't know what to do either. He's not close to them though. We live in the same town with all the inlaws (joy, right? And a few miles from my family!) and yet he goes months without seeing any of them.

Phew!

Yeah, it's a mess.

[Sasha026]

You do have a mess on your hands but something that bothers me is the arrogance of a woman who cannot have children criticizing your parenting. She hypothesizes what parenting is like (something like a Monday morning quarterback) picking apart your kids and your parenting. Tell her, the next time she decides to "parent in abstentia" to go and adopt or foster a child and see how easy it is to bring up children. It's not. It's damned hard work and even if you are the best parent in the world, you will make mistakes. You're human and it's inevitable.

One thing I never did was to criticize someone's parenting. Kids act out, they do things that we did when we were young (but choose not to remember *ahem*) and act - well - like kids. That's healthy. They don't do it forever (just our mother's do that) and grow out of most juvenile behaviors. I suspect you are a good mom who loves her kids to death but are under a microscope. This can drive you nuts.

I did not have an extended family, all I had was a husband and a mother (who are both dead now), so I never had experience with family members later on in life. My husband did have a brother, his wife and their spawn (don't ask), but they never stuck their noses in. I guess they realized that if they did, they wouldn't have noses. My experiences were with my mother's acquaintances, her friends and a cousin. Since my mother was 20 years younger than her oldest sister, most of my family is scattered or just as old as my mother was (89). We have nothing in common.

One thing you have to remember, you are right and you're doing things the right way but you're standing in a snake pit full of vipers. If you listen to them, you will be a nervous wreck. Try to avoid these pariahs. They mean you no good. My heart goes out to you because raising a family is hard enough without being constantly picked apart.