WHAT is going on?

[mango_flower]

Having a rough few days and just need people to tell me I am doing ok.

So I have gone NC, due mainly to her nastiness.  I was doing LC which was working well at that point.

As some of you will remember, last week she sent me a nasty email, out of the blue, along the lines of"I hated you so much but never told you,  I have moved on now but wanted you to know how much you hurt me,I hope you find what you were looking for in me, I was not it, I will never forgive you for this, I don't think we should stay friends, goodbye and good luck".

I ignored it.

Today, I got another out of the blue email saying "You didn't even wish me a happy birthday ".

What the hell?

Worst thing is that yesterday was a totally miserable day as it was her birthday, I thought about little else.  Now I feel like the meanest person in the world!

She's engaged, has a tattoo of her new girl's name on her arm... . why won't she leave me alone?

I don't know if she actually cares I didn't get in touch on her birthday, or whether she is just trying ti push my buttons.

I've ignored this one too, but it hurts.

Kind of like a small child begging for a hug and you refuse.  I feel so mean! 

Any advice on what she's playing at, and if I'm doing the right thing by ignoring her?  I cannot believe she can be so horrible in one email last week and then today play the victim again... .

I feel sorry for her poor fiancee.  Surely she can't be happy that my ex is emailing me like this?

[Murbay]

I'm so sorry to hear about your experiences mango and I totally understand how you are feeling right now.

It is confirmation and validation for you though that you have done the right thing in stepping away, because it proves that the person you were involved with has no wish to change. She needs validating for her feelings right now and since you were the one who did it before, she is playing a game to see if you still care. It is very difficult but it's a sign you are on the right path.

I can totally empathise with your situation yesterday, my ex had her 12 week follow-up appointment today with the neurosurgeon. I was going to be taking her and as much hurt and pain as she caused, I have still had an off day today out of compassion. There is nothing more I want to do right now than send a message to say hope everything went well today, but I also know I'm not in a place where I can do that and deal with the repercussions that follow. I also consider she is an adult and if she wanted me to know, there is nothing stopping her from messaging me to let me know.

You are not mean, it is going to hurt and it should also serve as a reminder that you have broken out of that cycle and taking steps to a happier future.

[Validation78]

Hi Mango!

I know how tough things are now, sorry to hear it. 

During the detachment and grieving process, we will have to endure many firsts apart i.e. birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, etc. It will be hard.

These sorts of communications are intended to get us to engage with them, to see if we'll still bite. If you've decided to go NC, you did the right thing by not reaching out on her birthday, and by not taking the bait when she expressed herself about it. It's hard to turn our backs on people we love (d), however, we must take this time to care for ourselves and our feelings. It's time we put ourselves first!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[Bananas]

Hi Mango,

I am starting to wonder if there is a secret script somewhere? My exes birthday was Sunday.  We have LC because we work together.  I am keeping my communication with him work only, everything else I ignore.  He was downright nasty to me at work last week, and sent me a few hateful emails.  I ignored them. 

It was hard but I did not contact him on his birthday on Sunday, I too was thinking about him.

Today he sends me an email asking why I did not even get him a card on his birthday?  And at the very least I could have texted or called?  So I am with you WTH?  I ignored it.  But it was hard.

You are not alone.  It looks like we are on the right track though.

[fromheeltoheal]

You know her better than we do of course, and your NC seems fairly recent, but the word I like in describing a pwBPD's emotions is 'labile': Of or characterized by emotions that are easily aroused or freely expressed, and that tend to alter quickly and spontaneously; emotional... .

My BPD exes birthday is Thursday, I just remembered from reading your post, and I might get a similar email, although I doubt it; we've been NC for 9 months and her attempts to contact me have been infrequent.

Although I remember last July 4th weekend, when we were sitting in a restaurant having a neutral conversation about handwriting, and suddenly, out of nowhere, she starts crying and telling me I was slamming her, for absolutely no reason.  And 20 minutes later we're at her place, she's giving me that look, and says she wants to have my baby.  20 minutes.  I know this isn't news to you folks, just a reminder how fast and unpredictably things can change; impossible to keep up with or understand, never mind stay ahead of.

If you're in that boat too, complete NC is the only way to retain your sanity; no more reading emails, delete, delete, delete.  And heal.

[Iced]

She's not a small child.  She's not even a child.

She's an adult.  An ENGAGED adult for that matter.

She's trying to needle you into responding in hopes that she can pull you back into her life one way or another; that's all she's trying to do.

Use, rinse, toss out, reuse, rinse, toss out, and the cycle continues.

BPD is a mental illness, but pwBPD - unless they've gone psychotic and are not in control of their mental faculties at all - CAN get help... . for themselves.

For the sake of your own stability, I would suggest either outright setting her messages to delete or filtering them all into a separate folder.

Stay strong; I know it can be really tough. 

[TippyTwo]

I haven't yet experienced contact since the NC started 3 weeks ago. I'm figuring if I get something out of the blue that gets passed the blocks and stuff that it is a momentary need of some sort on her part that no one else has been able to fill. I have come to realize I wasn't a person to her but a tool to meet her needs of the moment.

It was a very sobering and painful thing to realize.

Hang tough Mango.

[babyducks]

Now I feel like the meanest person in the world!

She's engaged, has a tattoo of her new girl's name on her arm... . why won't she leave me alone?

Mango Flower,

You are not the meanest person in the world.  You can't be. Because you are here trying to understand and do the right thing.

I am sorry to hear your Ex reached out and verbally slapped you this way.  Not nice.

Some one in one of these posts said  that we were all involved with people who are emotionally irresponsible.         That people who have the traits of BPD say and do things with no concept of how it effects the other person in the relationship or relationship as a whole.  Oh Yeah.

And for some reason we accept their perspective as valid.   Part of the mental anguish for me is trying to wrap my head around the distorted reality field she lives and operates out of.  The emotional pain is one thing but the added mental dissonance literally makes my head hurt.  Its like falling down the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland.

You are not mean.   You are no longer in relationship with her, it is not your job to try and met her needs.  It's the fiancé's job, poor thing.   

You said in your email that you went NC because of her being nasty.  Sounds like you established a boundary because it was good and healthy for you and she came across it. 

What she says, no matter how loud or long she says it, has no impact on who you are.

And in a couple of days, could you remind me of everything I just said to you?   

babyducks

[schwing]

As some of you will remember, last week she sent me a nasty email, out of the blue, along the lines of"I hated you so much but never told you,  I have moved on now but wanted you to know how much you hurt me,I hope you find what you were looking for in me, I was not it, I will never forgive you for this, I don't think we should stay friends, goodbye and good luck".

I ignored it.

Today, I got another out of the blue email saying "You didn't even wish me a happy birthday ".

What the hell?

She's oscillating between devalution and idealization. And from her perspective she is being consistent.  Either she has always loved you, or she never loved you.  And she will alway change between the two.

Worst thing is that yesterday was a totally miserable day as it was her birthday, I thought about little else.  Now I feel like the meanest person in the world!

She's engaged, has a tattoo of her new girl's name on her arm... . why won't she leave me alone?

I don't know if she actually cares I didn't get in touch on her birthday, or whether she is just trying ti push my buttons.

I've ignored this one too, but it hurts.

Don't feel like the meanest person in the world. You were honoring her feelings at the time. You cannot be expect to change as frequently as her feelings. Otherwise you'd be as disordered as she is.

Just don't expect her feelings to stay the same for any duration of time.

Any advice on what she's playing at, and if I'm doing the right thing by ignoring her?  I cannot believe she can be so horrible in one email last week and then today play the victim again... .

I feel sorry for her poor fiancee.  Surely she can't be happy that my ex is emailing me like this?

Her feelings towards you are a roller coaster ride. It is up to you if you want to get on or off that ride.  It would be unreasonable to expect her to change. It is reasonable to choose no contact for yourself.

Chances are her fiancée has no idea.

Best wishes, Schwing

[mango_flower]

Thanks all, and Schwing, as always your insight is amazing.

I have today had another email about some things she found of mine (home made DVDs I don't have copies of) that I REALLY want back... . *sigh*

But if I engage now, she'll know I can be manipulated... . so I am giving them up for lost.

Gutted is an understatement!

But she's trying many ways of getting a response from me... .

Is it possible that this is an extinction burst?

[seeking balance]

But she's trying many ways of getting a response from me... .

Is it possible that this is an extinction burst?

perhaps it is... . does labeling her behavior help your feelings?

At the end of the day, the result of this will be the same - you respond or don't respond... . the feelings of being gutted are the same... . and that is difficult.  Sorry you are struggling.

What can you do to distract yourself?  Go out with some friends?

Could you NOT read her emails?  Drop them in a folder and perhaps wait until next week so you can give yourself a bit of a break?

[DeltaAlpha]

Mango (and others here),

I think its a darned if you do, darned if you don't. (I'm trying to use clean language here)

Perhaps you are the only one in that previous relationship that feels a sense of guilt and responsibility? So you may be doing your "unfair share" as part of your rationalizing?      . . . Just a thought 

As a suggestion, what would someone who knows you both - a neutral third party- say if you asked them,  "have I been mean?"

I declare that the answer would be "no"

[Murbay]

DeltaAlpha, you hit the nail on the head with your response.

I have had that debate quite a lot with my T. I'm a very compassionate person and would step in to help anybody. In the case of the messages mango received, I would have felt guilty and taken on the responsibility. However, chances are I would already sent a birthday card or text but that is my own flaw. It's taken a lot of work with my T to get that through to me. He has been my 3rd party, especially since he has seen my ex on an individual basis, jointly and then me so he has a greater understanding of the whole picture.

Darned if you do, darned if you don't is a definite tactic that puts the guilt and responsibility on your shoulders without them having to take any of it. It puts them in control and by giving in, it proves to them they still have the control.

Mango, try and think from a healthy relationship staNPDoint and from the other side. What would you do if you found things that belonged to an ex? What sort of response would you expect back? The key here, isn't whether or not you respond, it is about what you feel is best for you.

If these are things you want back, there is nothing to say you can't respond in a neutral and diplomatic manner that doesn't leave anything open to interpretation. It is down to what you feel comfortable with and how much control you allow them to have.

When my ex contacted me to ask what I wanted doing with some of the things I left, I sent a very neutral response to tell her that if she felt someone could get any benefit out of those things, then please feel free to donate to a charity. I think that got the message across because it sent her into a rage but I didn't allow it to get under me.

It's however you feel comfortable, but if you respond, be assertive but don't leave them an avenue back in. Choose to keep the control of yourself whether or not you respond.

[causticdork]

You're way too nice and way too considerate for that crazy girl, hon.  I know you really loved her, but she doesn't deserve your attention and it's not your job to make her feel validated.  She left you.  She went and got engaged almost immediately after and refused to talk to you for months.  When you really needed her to talk to you, back when you were heart-broken and confused and just wanted a little closure, did she feel like she had an obligation to give you any of her time?  No. She was fine, so your pain didn't matter.  Now she's upset because she knows you're moving on and she's no longer in control of you, so she's trying to make you feel bad. 

You're doing the right thing by ignoring her.  Keep it up.  You'll be fine.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Mango, Of course she's trying to push your buttons and see if there is some way she can entice you into engaging w/her.  It could be her birthday, it could be the homemade CDs, it could be that you hurt her, but she's searching for something that will get you to bite, or at least nibble, on the hook.  If you she has stuff that you need, perhaps you could have a neutral third party pick the stuff up.  Or just let go of it all, which is just "stuff" anyway.  You are the most important thing, not the stuff.  I think your gut feelings are correct, so try and listen to your gut and not your rational mind that is criticizing you as "mean."  You're not, as all above have confirmed!  Hang in there, LuckyJim

[mango_flower]

Thank you, thank you, thank you 

You're all so correct.  I don't NEED to do anything.

Common sense would say I want my stuff back, so she should just send it to my Mum, or my work. (she doesn't know where I have moved).  She did not NEED to email me to ask what i'd like done with it.  She's just trying for a response and I will not engage.

Caustic - that is an excellent point.  When I needed her to talk to me, when I was heartbroken, did she care?  No.  As you say, she was too busy gallavating off with her new gf.  I know two wrongs don't make a right, but it stops me feeling so mean at least!

Really appreciate all your responses, thank you x

[clairedair]

Her feelings towards you are a roller coaster ride. It is up to you if you want to get on or off that ride.  It would be unreasonable to expect her to change. It is reasonable to choose no contact for yourself.

Chances are her fiancée has no idea.

Hi Mango

My ex is getting married next week (we broke up for final time last Fall).  We have kids so need some contact.  Things have been really peaceful for months presumably because he's been busy being in love/planning wedding. 

This week I organised a treat for myself and let him know (because it affects childcare).  I immediately got a message that he was unhappy that we hadn't discussed it, followed by another to say it had reminded him of how I didn't share stuff in past.  Didn't affect me too much as I was on the rollercoaster for years and after being thrown off last time, I did what Schwing suggests in his post - I chose to get off.  Some could argue that I didn't have a choice because he left and moved on quickly but he's done that before - the only way off was for me to choose to be off.

Still had me drawn in for a while though - why did he feel the need to throw that comment my way when he should be enjoying the happiest time of his life?

That's the thing with having any contact - even when you think that you're out of the fog and confusion, a one line e-mail or a five-word text or a missed call can pull you back in.

You have the choice to stay no contact.  I think you're doing really well, sounding healthier.  I understand the desire to help/soothe but she has a new fiancee to do this just as my ex does and her ups and downs are neither your fault nor your responsibility.

I'm telling myself this as much as I am telling you because I feel that, like an addict, there's always the possiblity of relapse!