New member, problems with sister

[CMW]

Ongoing problems with my younger sister over many years now. Descriptions of 'the BPD Waif' seem very accurate. A lot of drama and problems in her life, which she expects other people to shoulder for her, while taking little interest in their lives (she's particularly unwilling to hear about anyone else's successes or happiness, though she can sometimes be empathetic when others are having a hard time).

She has a longstanding pattern of 'doing a geographical' whenever things get tricky. Also a pattern of cutting off all contact when upset, then turning up and acting as if none of it ever happened. In the past I've played along with this ruse because I was glad to have her back in my life (our parents are dead and there are just the two of us). But I don't think I can do that again.

She and her husband and son moved to another country about three years ago after accusing me and my husband of not seeing them enough or taking enough interest in their son - they said this was a reason for them leaving. (We saw them more regularly than anyone else in our lives, and took their son out regularly too.) I have continued to send birthday and Xmas presents to their son, and have written a number of low-key, friendly letters letting her know what we're up to here. Sent pics etc. She doesn't reply to these.

A couple of years back she emailed me to say she missed me and wanted more communication, but that she was sure I'd agree that we shouldn't discuss what had happened (their leaving and the stuff around that, etc). I emailed back that I would also like better communication but that she couldn't tell me what I was and wasn't allowed to talk about - that wouldn't exactly be open communication. Within minutes she emailed back furious to say she wanted no more contact with me.

All very exhausting. I could write for hours describing everything that's happened over the years, but I won't. The low-key letters I've sent since are in fact basically doing what she asked, but she doesn't reply to them. Big-time silent treatment and punishment, and for what? What have I done? Man.

I am not sure whether to keep sending presents to my 6-year-old nephew. I am heartily tired of the whole business and part of me wants to have no contact with their family at all.

Thanks for listening... .

[Being Mindful]

Dear CMW,



I'm glad you found us and so sorry to hear how you are suffering. It must be very hard that it is just you and your sister and yet your relationship with her sounds like it is full of chaos. The good news is that we can help. There are people here who understand this journey and have a ton of knowledge about BPD.

I totally understand how you are tired of the whole thing! It is exhausting, however there are things you can learn in order to protect yourself and the relationship with your sister. While learning these skills will not be a fix for your sister's illness, they definitely will help you and in turn your sister can benefit in how you interact with her. Here is a link that begins to describe this:

Boundaries Tools of Respect

I'm wondering... .

Has your sister been diagnosed or sought therapy?

Does her husband seem to understand that she needs help?

Looking forward to hearing from you and learning how we can help.

Being Mindful

[CMW]

Hi Being Mindful - thanks for your kind reply. Yes, it is hard that there are just the two of us. No, she hasn't been diagnosed. I can imagine her hitting the roof at any such suggestion - her reactions are typically that things are always everyone else's fault. She reacts very, very strongly to any suggestion that her own behaviour is less than perfect (I'm laughing here remembering a situation many years ago where she got very drunk at my friend's house, fell asleep and then vomited on their bed, and then got really angry at me and my partner for waking her up and trying to clean up - 'It's not my fault! You're always so mean to me!' And then ran off entirely! Kind of an extreme version of unwillingness to take responsibility. However, we did take the soiled bedding to her house for her to get dryclaned)

I don't think her husband thinks she needs help. He is a nice guy who always seems very beaten down and pretty much does what she wants him to. As far as I can see he colludes with all the drama - he went along with them moving three people and a houselot of furniture from one side of the world to the other, and then back again in a dramatic flurry just over two years later. Including unfriending me on Facebook and such things. He seems to just give in to demands to keep the peace. Hmmm, I can understand that one - I have mostly done exactly that myself.

I can't work out what to do in response to this silent treatment business. Whether to keep sending gifts to my nephew. Last time I did that, at Xmas, my sister sent me pics and a letter, all of it entirely written in the 'voice' of my nephew (he's six and slightly intellectually handicapped, so he certainly didn't write it). It was as if his parents didn't exist. It was odd, but I decided to put a positive spin on it and take it as a 'bid for connection', so I wrote my sister a friendly letter about what my husband and I had been up to. Response - complete silence.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, CMW    I don't have a sibling with BPD, but I do have other family members with either BPD or BPD traits, and I can sympathize with your confusion and frustration. Have you checked out the Board here for people dealing with Family Members with BPD? I think it's about Healing from a Relationship with them... . I would check that out if I were you, and also check out all the Articles, Videos & Workshops on this website regarding dealing with these kinds of problems... .

Anyhow, if I were you, and I had a sister like that who had a son--especially a young one who would never understand why his Aunt all of a sudden stopped giving him birthday or Christmas gifts--I would keep the relationship going with the nephew. I do have a S-I-L with BPD traits (her Mom--my M-I-L--is for sure uBPD), and she has given me the silent treatment from time to time in our many years of a relationship. If she had a child, I do believe I would still remember him/her on birthdays and holidays   I figure that a child has nothing to do with his/her parent's troubles... . Oh, and