Seeking Advice on Getting BPD Info To Son

[joyfor2day]

I want to start this message by saying that we love our daughter-in-law even though we have come to believe in the past week that she has BPD.  This is both a relief and a nightmare to finally have an answer to her strange behavior over the past year.  

She and our son married one year ago and live on a military base in Japan.  In the beginning we received phone calls from her accusing our son of behavior that sounded like she was describing a stranger.  At Christmas she and our son surprised us by coming for a 3 week visit. During that visit we saw a very different picture of their relationship than what she had previously described in those previous phone calls.  Our son confided in us during that visit that he was questioning whether he could stay married to her since their core beliefs and cultural (she is an Australian citizen) upbringing were so different.

We now believe that it was much more than those differences.  She became quite upset with us on several occasions during the visit and basically disowned us.  There didn't seem to be any way to make her happy or reason with her during that time.  Since they returned to Japan we have limited private communication with our son due to her constantly monitoring our son's phone messages, facebook and email.  The only 'private' time he has is at work which isn't a time when he can make personal phone calls.  Our son is being emotionally and physically abused by her.  

We have told them both that they need to seek counseling but neither of them is open to doing that at this point.  He wants to divorce her but she constantly tells him how much he has hurt her, is threatening to ruin his military career, and is claiming that she will abort their child that is due in December.  He will be moving to a base in North Carolina in July but it is unknown if she will be able to join him since she is an Australian citizen applying for a green card.  

I say all that to ask for advice.  Our son doesn't know what we have found out about BPD yet.  I am suspecting that once he knows this info he may be more 'understanding' and want to try to work the marriage out.  I don't know how to get this info to him without her intercepting it and potentially causing more damage but I don't want to wait until he returns to the states in 8 weeks. There will probably be at least 2-3 more 'episodes' in that time frame and her behavior is unpredictable.  

The information can be sent via his work email but it is a government email and I am concerned about the privacy.  We believe that it is urgent to inform him not only for his well being but also for our daughter-in-law and unborn grandchild's well being.  Thank you for any sound advice that can be offered.

[GreenMango]

  Joyfor2day  

So sorry to hear hard thi ha are with your son right now and his family.  Congratulations on becoming a grandmother soon.

This is a tough spot for you as parents.   There's a few things can happen if this isn't handled gingerly.  Has he asked for some guidance in this this? Sometimes the triangle of him, her and you can get tricky.

Have you mentioned this website to him? It may be something for him to look into too?

GM

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi joyfor2day,

I'd like to extend a heartfelt welcome to you as well.  I'm sorry about what is happening with your son and daughter-in-law, I can understand your worry. 

I agree with GreenMango.  I think it would be great if your son checked out this site.

Maybe you could mention it to him and see if he is interested.

Hang in there.  This is a great support community.

heartandwhole