How Did You Decide to Leave?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm having a hard time making the decision to divorce.  Mu uBPDw and I have been married for almost 12 years.  We've got 2 children that are almost 10 and 8.  She just went through a serious dysregulation phase and splitting and painting me black.  Now we are back to normal and I'm confused.  When things are bad it's so easy to make plans and start the ball rolling, but then things turn around and I loose my determination.  I would say on average she has a phase like this once a year, sometimes twice.  In between things are OK for the most part.  Our marriage even on the best days is a bad one.  We don't have any physical contact, no sex or kissing on over 2 years, we aren't friends, and I don't rely on her for any support at all.  She was arrested for DV once in 2009 when I confronted her about her first affair.  She's had several since then, and I've had one of my own.  I know that once the kids are grown we will go our separate ways.  I guess I struggle with the question of do I leave now and only see my kids a couple days a week and every other weekend?  I feel like I'm abandoning them to be with her and worry that without me to take it all out on she will turn to them.  Or do I suffer through the horrible times when they happen and wait another 8 to 10 years to leave. 

Also, what tips, if any, do you all have for divorcing?  I'm expecting a big battle and lots of false allegations.  I've been keeping a diary and voice recordings of the rages and mean texts and voice mails.  I'm planning that if I do file I will have a moving van arrive the same day and a rental house already arranged so I can implement everything at the same time.  I'm going to try for split custody in the beginning.  I would love to get full, but without her doing something really crazy I don't see that as much of a possibility. 

At what point did you say enough was enough?  Any advice would be appreciated.

[stopltracr]

I'm having a hard time making the decision to divorce.  Mu uBPDw and I have been married for almost 12 years.  We've got 2 children that are almost 10 and 8.  She just went through a serious dysregulation phase and splitting and painting me black.  Now we are back to normal and I'm confused.  When things are bad it's so easy to make plans and start the ball rolling, but then things turn around and I loose my determination.  I would say on average she has a phase like this once a year, sometimes twice.  In between things are OK for the most part.  Our marriage even on the best days is a bad one.  We don't have any physical contact, no sex or kissing on over 2 years, we aren't friends, and I don't rely on her for any support at all.  She was arrested for DV once in 2009 when I confronted her about her first affair.  She's had several since then, and I've had one of my own.  I know that once the kids are grown we will go our separate ways.  I guess I struggle with the question of do I leave now and only see my kids a couple days a week and every other weekend?  I feel like I'm abandoning them to be with her and worry that without me to take it all out on she will turn to them.  Or do I suffer through the horrible times when they happen and wait another 8 to 10 years to leave. 

Also, what tips, if any, do you all have for divorcing?  I'm expecting a big battle and lots of false allegations.  I've been keeping a diary and voice recordings of the rages and mean texts and voice mails.  I'm planning that if I do file I will have a moving van arrive the same day and a rental house already arranged so I can implement everything at the same time.  I'm going to try for split custody in the beginning.  I would love to get full, but without her doing something really crazy I don't see that as much of a possibility. 

At what point did you say enough was enough?  Any advice would be appreciated.

[hithere]

I lived with my exBPD for 4 years, we had no children together so take what you will from this.

My light-bulb moment was when I realized that in order to stay I had to be satisfied with being unhappy for the rest of my life and committing myself to supporting someone that would not be there for me if I ever needed it.  Basically I came to the conclusion there was no upside.

Modeling a bad/dysfunctional marriage for your children is probably not going to do them any good in the long-run.

From what you write it seems the marriage is long-gone... . you will know it is the right time when you feel it.

[Clearmind]

I needed to get off the roller coaster eventually! OR work towards making it better - there are tools on the staying board to help you.

For me, there was one last demand from him that was a deal breaker.

What are your deal breakers?

What are willing to negotiate on?

[lifesentence]

It's been barely a month since I left my BPD wife. I had told her numerous times to stop raging at me to no avail. It was not just the raging that was a problem but the constant snide, negative, critical comments and put-downs at every little "mistake" I made.

One night I had an epiphany where I asked myself what exactly I had to look forward to in this marriage and why I was putting up with all of this. And the answer was "Nothing". There was nothing I looked forward to and yet I had to put with the constant emotional and verbal abuse (of course with the usual loving/pull/split-white phase in between). It seemed like a pretty bad one-sided deal to me. She gets financial support and an emotional punching bag to feel "whole", and I get ... . well ... . nothing.

Like I said, it's only been a month and I still struggle with my decision. I'm absolutely terrified of being pulled back into this relationship again. I think I would have a meltdown if I had to again endure what I've had to in the last 10 years and yet I just can't seem to see myself ever being free of this for whatever reason.

Maybe one day, I truly will be free of this. But it all just seems like a dream now ... .

[broken3]

Stop,

Consider yourself lucky to have some foresight to how the rs is ending.

I was thrown out of my home on false abuse charges and it took over 2 months to have her removed from the home. I have 3 kids and the damage that was done to them during that time is immeasurable.

  They are all in therapy now and are doing better. But they now will have a lifetime of pain and confusion. Had I known then what I know now. I would have taken steps to avert the tsunami.

  Why not get full custody? If you truly are the more stable parent.

[Validation78]

Hey Stop!

My marriage was in trouble from the start 4 years ago. It's when the red flags started flying, putting me on guard, and asking myself, what have I done? What did I get myself into?

I had to be sure that I did everything possible to address what was going on before I jumped ship. I took my marriage vows very seriously. We went to CT within 3 months, and we both went to individual T as well. Things continued to get worse. By the 2nd year, I knew something was seriously wrong, started rooting around for answers, and BPD turned up, and made all the sense in the world. It brought me here. I started on the staying board, and learned the tools, implemented them, saw some improvement, however, not enough. Went through a TS last year, started DBT, went for 1 year, saw little improvement.

In January, I sat through my last rage. I stood up when he was done, and told him to get out and don't come back. I knew I had achieved my goal, doing EVERYTHING I could do to salvage this marriage. I knew I would be able to have a clear conscience when I filed for a divorce, which BTW, I hated the idea of, however, had no choice if I was to save myself from a life I knew was not for me.

Tips, ah yes! As Clearmind suggested, learn the tools from the staying board. Whether you stay or leave, you will be connected because of the children. Check out the Family Law board too, you may find some help with the legal aspects of what you will be facing if you decide to leave. As for the actual healing after you leave, formulate a plan. Decide how you will interact with her, and limit it to business with your children. Form a support group of friends and family to help you through the rough days. See a T who understands BPD to help you heal and understand what BPD is. Keep yourself busy, and start to live again in peace. Discover who you are, and be grateful for every day you have to achieve what you want from life!

What do you want from your life?

What will it take to achieve it?

Best Wishes,

Val78

[causticdork]

I looked at the best possible scenario:  She would get clean and stop lying to me and learn to communicate like a normal human being.  In that scenario I knew that I still could never trust her.  Even if she spent the next 20 years being perfectly honest with me, I'd always wonder if she was lying.  I'm not gonna have a private investigator tail her to verify her daily activities and I'm not gonna start reading her emails and texts when in the shower, so no amount of honesty will make up for the year and a half of pathological daily lying.  The problem was that I knew how easily and naturally she could lie to my face, and no amount of apologizing or making amends was going to erase that knowledge.  So I left. 

[jmc8899]

I didn't just wake up and decide it would never work out.   It was a bit of a process.   It took finding out about multiple lies, talking to a counselor and opening up to friends.   I didn't cut off contact completely, just slowly took a step back and in the meantime did lots for myself... . Got my career back on track, started exercising lots and made fun plans.   I figured out that talking to him or hearing about him just made me more upset, and my life is much better without him.   

[Rainyren]

My light-bulb moment was when I realized that in order to stay I had to be satisfied with being unhappy for the rest of my life and committing myself to supporting someone that would not be there for me if I ever needed it.  Basically I came to the conclusion there was no upside.

yeah same here. I know If I am in this, I need to accept the verbal abuse. I see no reason to believe that he will change or even try to recognize his problem. Plus I have a 1yr old son. I am so done with this. I will not teach my son that it is ok to be treated this way , thats not what a relationship is. I will not have him learn from his dad that to have a girlfriend means yelling at her or putting her down. My son will learn to respect and comunicate with the one he will love. That I promise you.

[seeking balance]

Hi Stop,

I used to ask this question too - and people would say, "you will know when you know".

My story is similar to Val78 - we were married, no kids and basically had therapists each, MC and she had a psychiatrist as well.  I hung in as long as I could and set a few "deal breakers".  My ex would push boundaries and I had little consequences most of the relationship.  Finally, I kept a boundary which resulted in a series of events over a few weeks that ended with her lashing out during MC (saying I would never leave, she could do what she wanted, etc) and I stood up, looked at the MC and MC said it was ok to leave.  I had met with MC the previous week alone. 

I cannot tell you what changed other than me - I had been doing a lot of reading, working on myself and I just didn't want to do it any longer.

The legal board was wonderful for me and might I recommend going to the High Conflict Institute website and getting the book Splitting by Bill Eddy... . it is good to know what to expect when divorcing a pwBPD.

The ultimate question is this:  what is your line in the sand?

peace,

SB