Al Anon sponsor suggests confronting my mother

[czarsmom]

I had an extremely abusive witch BPD mother, and out of her 4 children I was the scapegoat, and bore the brunt of very severe and twisted verbal, psychological, and physical abuse.  At one point, I was only allowed out of the basement for supper and going to school.  She also managed to turn the entire family against me after I moved out of her house at age 23. 

My Al Anon sponsor is recommending that I confront her, and tell her how her abuse made me feel.  Not in a hateful, vengeful way, but in an honest, truthful way.  Not to change her, but just to say my piece, for me.

Has anyone else ever done this with their borderline mother, and if so, what happened?

[Veronica24]

I confronted my mother.  I did so by email so that I could keep my emotions in check and completely say my piece.  When I finished writing I had my husband read it and he said it was "almost too delicate".  I said "she's going to hear what she wants to hear"... .   I was right.  Her response was complete and utter rage; rapid fire emails, accusing me of persecuting her, reminding me of the horrible violence I grew up with and giving me even more gruesome details.  I was completely horrified.  I responded that I could no longer communicate with her and we stopped speaking.  I started having nightmares again, near panic attacks, and went back on both anti depressants and anxiety medication.  Every improvement I had made in my several years of therapy was gone.  I thought she would hear me and we would have an honest discussion and repair our relationship.  I thought she would be considerate of the child I was during the violence.  I thought she would be the mother I had when I was really, really little.  I was very wrong.  It took two months for her to extend an apology for her "reaction" to what I had said.  I accepted what she was capable of offering but have kept her at a distance since.  I know that our relationship is beyond repair.

My advice to you is to really consider your reasons for confronting her.  Do not do so without knowing that you are truly comfortable.  Your Al Anon sponsor has the best intentions but you need to know without a doubt that you are in a place where you can accept her response, whatever it may be.  I wish you the best and hope that if you do choose to confront her you find the peace that we all hope for and deserve. 

[czarsmom]

Veronica, thank you SO much for responding.  Quite frankly, I'm overwhelmed and terrified by the mere thought of confronting my mother.  I am not convinced that it is a good idea, yet.  I know how my mother is.  This friend has never even met my mother, and has no direct experience of borderline people.  I honestly don't think most people get borderline mothers, at all.  Even though I can give them example after example, they don't get how extremely and totally crazy and over the top these people really are.  I am not convinced that confronting her would actually help me.  In all probability, it would probably lead to her flying into an extreme rage, and going into a campaign blitz to turn all of the relatives against me.  Then, she would pester and harass my 2 boys (ages 18 and 10), and my husband, and try to turn them against me.  I know, because this is exactly what has happened in the past.  

How, then can I really and truly be free of the horrific memories I have the bizarre, sick, and twisted abuse that I have experienced in the past?  I already have very limited contact with her.  

[nomom4me]

I've corrected my mother when she has been way off base and she has taken it as being 'put in her place'.  Making boundaries with her got me excluded from family events, I've been badmouthed to family for refusing to engage in email arguments.

A (ex) therapist suggested al anon, I didn't think it was a fit for me as my mom is not alcoholic.  I agree that people who have not dealt with BPD's don't know what having a conflict with one is like. Maybe you can deal with the memories without dealing with your mom. I find that therapy and writing here are good outlets, maybe you can write your mom a letter then burn it or flush it.

I don't want to confront my mom, but I do need to get the memories and my very real fears of her "off my chest".  Ask yourself if you really want to start an exchange with her before you do.  The best case scenarios with my mom when I keep it in a public or group setting and avoid difficult topics.

[Cordelia]

How, then can I really and truly be free of the horrific memories I have the bizarre, sick, and twisted abuse that I have experienced in the past?  I already have very limited contact with her.  

I think you can do this without confronting your mom, at least for now.  If I remember my brief Alanon experience correctly, they do have a caveat that it's not a good idea to dredge up the past if to do so would endanger yourself or someone else.  It is really good to reach a place where you feel that if you were in the situation again you would be able to address it from a more powerful, assertive position.  But I at least have found that being assertive with people in my life now - speaking up when I'm uncomfortable with something or upset, even when it's frightening because images of my mom's reaction pop up - can be just as empowering as confronting my mom directly.  Do you have a good relationship with a therapist?  If the therapist is comfortable with this sort of technique, maybe you could do some sort of role play where you express your feelings to your mother, even though she's not physically there. 

You CAN be free of the memories because it's YOUR past and YOUR experiences.  Your mother isn't required for you to make peace with your past.  I found this very freeing because although my mom is more of a Waif than a Witch, it was equally impossible to think of actually having a meaningful conversation with her about the past, and indeed, it never happened.  I sent a letter that was our last communication, but she didn't respond and I seriously doubt she thought about it other than as written proof that I am a horrible daughter. 

[mcdoogle]

I agree that you need to be very sure you can handle the consequences of confronting her. I've had mini-confrontations with my uBPD mother and they have ended soo badly. The first time I told her that her behavior was unacceptable, she picked up a heavy dining room chair and hurled it at me - while I was PREGNANT. It was a horrible time for months after that. Somehow I keep getting sucked back in though.

My husband is always saying that we (my family) lets my mom steamroll us and no one ever stands up to her. He doesn't understand that it's not worth it to us to call her out on her behavior. The backlash will be FAR worse than just letting her be herself and removing yourself from the situation. It sounds like you are removed from her. Why go back for more abuse?

[Veronica24]

I know how you feel; being terrified of confronting your mom.  I feel like I'm reduced to a helpless little kid by my mother at times and I have to remind myself that I'm an adult.   

I could not agree more with you that most people do not understand what a borderline mother is like.   But in all honesty, even I don't completely grasp it... . At times I have to remind myself "there is no rationalizing crazy, there is no reasoning with crazy" and this becomes my mantra. 

I wish I knew how to be truly free of the horrific memories... . I'm not there yet.  But I do know what helps; when I have something trigger a painful memory I allow myself to re-experience it, and then I look at my hands (they usually begin to shake) I watch them shake and keep telling myself "they are different now.  They are an adult's hands.  They are a mother's hands".  Then I think of my hands reaching out to take my newborn daughter(s) from the doctor, my hands soothing and reassuring my girls... . When I think of where I am and who I am now I can follow that horrific memory with a positive memory, and the positive memories have become so much more profound. 

I don't know what (if anything) there is to be gained by confronting a borderline because our realities are completely opposite.  I think that the only way to confront and achieve piece of mind would be if the borderline were aware of their disorder/ seeking help, and therefore open to taking in and understanding how they have hurt us and hoping to make amends. 

For now I find that my best defense is continuing to learn about the disorder, continue therapy, and try to keep my boundaries.  I think that making peace with everything from my past will come in its own time, and while I will always have those memories I am filling my head with better ones now.  Take your time to decide on your next move. 

I wonder if you could share your experience: I have two small children, so they do not know my family history and for now, they have a good relationship with my mother.  You mentioned that your boys were 10 and 18, do they have a decent/ good relationship with your mother?  Do they know of the history, do they understand BPD?  If so, how did you give them an understanding while preserving their innocence?  I worry that a time will come where my girls see things differently and everything they thought my mother was will be untrue; I worry that they will have the same experience as I did.

[musicfan42]

I don't think it's a good idea to confront an alcoholic-unless they're in active recovery ie. AA, they're in total denial over their behaviour and will just lash out and blame you for their behaviour. I think your Al-Anon sponsor perhaps has issues with the "detach with love" ethos of Al-Anon... . perhaps clinging to his/her own dysfunctional relationship with an alcoholic? Suggesting this because he/she would like that sense of resolution in their own life? Hate to be harsh here... . I'm sure your Al-Anon sponsor means well but this advice is just inappropriate. "Put the focus back on you" here!

You didn't actually say whether your mother was an alcoholic or not here... . so basically unless your mother is in recovery for her BPD i.e. DBT etc, there's no point saying anything to her. Any type of criticism will just trigger borderline rage. Just focus on your own healing. I think that there are actually similarities between alcoholics and borderlines... . but with some borderlines, it may manifest itself in more severe behaviours... . People with personality disorders are prone to experiencing addiction issues anyways as they struggle to get along with others... . this makes their life very challenging so they're also at risk of other Axis I disorders like depression, anxiety, eating disorders. And if someone has a personality disorder, it means that treating Axis I disorders and substance abuse is more challenging as people with personality disorders have very fixed personality traits and personality traits generally become more fixed as time passes... . people get more set in their ways as they age so it seems to be easier in some respects to treat a younger person with a personality disorder as opposed to an older person-the younger person may be more open to change.

[KsMum]

You say - "How, then can I really and truly be free of the horrific memories I have the bizarre, sick, and twisted abuse that I have experienced in the past?"

Have you considered hypnotherapy? In hypnotherapy you can go through several trauma runs where in a safe environment you clear the emotions attached to the memories. The memories remain but without the emotional triggers.

The further back you can get, the better because it breaks down the links between other events that happened afterwards. You'd have to find an experienced hypnotherapist or at least one who knows just how important it is to run each memory flat before bringing you out of hypnosis.

[Cordelia]

But I do know what helps; when I have something trigger a painful memory I allow myself to re-experience it, and then I look at my hands (they usually begin to shake) I watch them shake and keep telling myself "they are different now.  They are an adult's hands.  They are a mother's hands".  Then I think of my hands reaching out to take my newborn daughter(s) from the doctor, my hands soothing and reassuring my girls... . When I think of where I am and who I am now I can follow that horrific memory with a positive memory, and the positive memories have become so much more profound. 

This is beautiful - it brings tears to my eyes.  Thank you so much for sharing it.  I will try to do this myself in the future. 

Oh! and

[LibbiAbbi]

I am new and dealing with a sister with BPD instead of a mother so take this for what it is worth... .

I'm a sexual abuse survivor. I grew up in a family constantly in chaos and it created the opportunity for a predator to abuse me and my sister for years, and right after the abuse ended I was raped by a different predator, one my entire family trusted. I entered adulthood grappling with the after-effect of severe trauma and was eventually diagnosed with PTSD.

I went into treatment with a lot of anger at multiple people- none of whom were in a place to hear, much less accept, my pain. It took me a while to come to terms with how to work past knowing that there was no one to hear what I deeply needed them to hear and (I thought at the time) validate. Therapy helped a lot. I did multiple rounds of EMDR to help me let go. Little by little I was able to validate my own feelings and my own pain and I realized I didn't need anyone else to do that for me.

I've done Al-Anon too, and it is a wonderful resource. However, there's a difference in dealing with an addicted person and dealing with other situations where the person who caused the pain is just not able to accept that kind of confrontation. As highly as I regard Al-Anon, I don't think certain aspects of the advice frequently given by members of the program work in non-addict situations.

Work on validating yourself and accepting that you don't need your mother to heal you- you can and will do that yourself- and you will be closer to getting what you really want.

Best wishes.

[czarsmom]

Thanks so much for all the thoughtful and sensitive replies.  I have decided not to confront my mother.  My mother is/was an alcoholic, and is also uBPD.  I just finished reading a very good book called When You've Been Wronged by Erwin Lutzer.  This was a huge help.  It even referred to certain people called destroyers, which sounded just like BPD, and said that reconciliation with these people was impossible.  I truly think it would be a major bad move to confront her, especially since these things happened several decades ago.  I think I'm just going to have to be patient and gentle with myself, as these things take time and occur gradually.  I have already experienced a great deal of inner healing, but there is still more to be healed.  I have to remember this is a process, and it is not something that will happen overnight.  Your responses were really helpful, in that they validated that I'm not the only one in the world with a totally crazy parent.