When Your Love Is A Misfortune

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I believe I read this in Eric Fromme's "The Art of Loving"  -- "If you love another and that love is not returned, it is a misfortune."  That is how I have come to view my relationship.  First I had to free myself from "Clinging to the words you loved to hear."  I believed all he said.  It was recalling all those words that made me feel I was still in love with him and caused me such pain.  He may have meant them when he said them, which made them sound so believable... . but the hard part is accepting that he is a very damaged and unstable man.  So what he said to me 6 months ago, he is no doubt now saying to someone else, probably word for word.  Accepting that my love for him was a misfortune is helping me move forward and heal.  At last (3 mos. NC) I feel confident that I can look back on this, not as the devastating loss I first felt, but for what it really was -- a misfortune.

[eniale]

I believe I read this in Eric Fromme's "The Art of Loving"  -- "If you love another and that love is not returned, it is a misfortune."  That is how I have come to view my relationship.  First I had to free myself from "Clinging to the words you loved to hear."  I believed all he said.  It was recalling all those words that made me feel I was still in love with him and caused me such pain.  He may have meant them when he said them, which made them sound so believable... . but the hard part is accepting that he is a very damaged and unstable man.  So what he said to me 6 months ago, he is no doubt now saying to someone else, probably word for word.  Accepting that my love for him was a misfortune is helping me move forward and heal.  At last (3 mos. NC) I feel confident that I can look back on this, not as the devastating loss I first felt, but for what it really was -- a misfortune.

[patientandclear]

This is very wise, Eniale.

[Findingmysong723]

Yea,

 I've been feeling similar feelings Eniale. I can look back at other relationships, even one in particular in high school that only lasted a few months and and looking back it was definitely a "take it or leave it relationship." Even that relationship, I can look back and see it for what it was, a relationship that had no real emotion and was pretty much about teenage hormones and even that never went to far. However, this relationship was so much more or was supposed to be and when I look back on it, I can't even put it in a category really! I mean a few weeks ago I was feeling really angry about how he  treated me, my emotions got stirred up after my ex decided to email the coordinator of a volunteer group we are both involved in (I invited him to join)which got the coordinator to speak to me about his future involvement with the organization. I kept thinking if I saw him and he decided to talk to me and I got upset that I might just have to let it out. I would want to tell him that the saddest thing to me is that, when I look back on this relationship, I can see it as my "first abusive relationship!" I mean seriously, although I think he didn't mean to hurt me, he was emotionally abusive, blowing up a few times in person and on the phone letting me know everything I was doing wrong, how he worked to hard, that he should have a girlfriend that was more this or that, so basically throwing the whole kitchen sink at me. However, the emotional abuse was mostly the push and pull and the withdrawing... . oh the withdrawing... . that was the worst... . watching him pull away was the worst! He was a very affectionate person, so when he did that it was beyond obvious and of course he wanted it to be!

I guess it's just the craziest thing that, I haven't had that many boyfriends in my life but the ones I have, I can look back and remember why I liked them or how much fun I had with them. I almost threw out my old love letters I had from my last serious relationship, things were good with my Ex Boyfriend(undiagnosed borderline) at the time and I was thinking of basically starting a new "special" box for this relationship filled with letters, pictures etc. I'm so happy I didn't throw out the old love letters etc, because after the breakup with my undiagnosed borderline ex boyfriend, I needed it! Even though the relationship was a long long time ago, after this breakup I had to read letters from someone who at one point in his life really loved me! It was a genuine love, young or not I loved him and I' m very happy that I got to spend that time with him!

The irony was that some of the communications issues and self esteem issues I had with my Undiagnosed Borderline Ex Boyfriend were also issues both relationships. Reading the letters were actually an eye opener, basically seeing how insecurities/self esteem and communication issues created issues as well. Basically, when the relationship (or ship was sinking) I opened up about something that I was very insecure and showed him some things from my childhood and just growing up, kinda trying to open up the communication from sharing something that might of been holding me back. Unfortunately, even though I think he might of respected me for opening up, it didn't do anything to bring us closer, because he was always going to sabotage us. I don't know if I'll ever see him again or if I see him at my volunteer stuff, I still might not say anything but man... . just remember how complimentary I was when we broke up and how I never let him take any blame... . I think if I let myself go just because it made me feel better to say it... . would be "This relationship never had a chance, because you were always going to sabotage us, the closer we got the harder you worked to destroy it." "I want to be able to look back on this relationship and be happy that I met you and at this point, I will remember you my first abusive relationship." I know that's pretty mean to say, I don't know if I could say it. His father drank when he was a little kid, he was an alcoholic and he was abusive to his Mom. I think calling him abusive would probably be the meanest thing I could say to him, because I think one of his biggest fears is that he would become his father. However, my Ex had so much anger in him, he grew up in a chaotic household, that he wanted to create that in our relationship as well... . very sad! However, sometimes truth hurts!

I'm actually feeling much better, the no contact has helped me so much. However, obviously the pains still there, since I just wrote a whole lot more than I thought I would, had to let it out.

[leftbehind]

It was recalling all those words that made me feel I was still in love with him and caused me such pain.  He may have meant them when he said them, which made them sound so believable... . but the hard part is accepting that he is a very damaged and unstable man.  So what he said to me 6 months ago, he is no doubt now saying to someone else, probably word for word.

Thank you, Eniale.  This is very helpful.  I need to keep reminding myself of this on a daily basis.