Need help regaining my Zen- H's exUBPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

My problems are small potatoes compared to those who were in a direct relationship with someone with these issues, I know. And yet, I'm finding it difficult to find my Zen where my DH's ex is concerned.

Maybe I could vent here... . I spend a lot of energy trying to be the grown up with the kids. My DH and I discuss it, but I'd like to get to a place where she has less space in our lives.

My DH was married to his UBPDex for 20 years, they have three kids. She left him for her best friend's husband who she'd been cheating with. They are now married. The ugly things she said to him I wouldn't have believed if I hadn't seen so many emails with her brand of toxic. I'm sure everyone here can fill in the blanks, how it was all his fault, he's a workaholic, terrible dad, terrible husband, and so on.

She did well in the divorce, with enough assets to retire, alimony, and on the hook for almost no expenses. I worked my ass off after my divorce to support my family and secure a job with a pension plan. My best friend who's husband cheated and left, went from being a full time mom to a single working mom to support herself and her kids. So I'm jealous of how easy her divorce was (or at least should have been, she did cause her own trauma). And yet, she's STILL bitter. And the victim.

When he and I started dating, she sent more toxins his way, the sort of things you might hear about the other woman, not the new girlfriend after a divorce that she instigated.

The icing on the cake, is that because my DH kept his personal business personal for his own sake and that of the kids, and because he didn't talk about his divorce, and because we met soon after she left, there are people who assume that I am the homewrecker- that he left her for me, since that is the stereotype midlife crisis. Nice little irony.

I know it makes no sense that I care what anyone thinks or especially care about the ex's life. And yet, it offends my sense of fairness that she could do so many hurtful things, ride off into her fairytale ending, and still be so bitter and cause so much distress, and that there could be good people who think I poached another woman's husband.

I want to evict this woman from my brainpan.

How have others removed someone who should be irrelevant from their emotional space?

BTW- my relationship with my ex is civil and usually a non-issue in my life. We are friendly-ish and mostly leave each other alone. Makes it extra frustrating that I allow myself to be driven to distraction by my ex-in-law. (my husband's ex).

[Pidge]

Hello,

My problems are small potatoes compared to those who were in a direct relationship with someone with these issues, I know. And yet, I'm finding it difficult to find my Zen where my DH's ex is concerned.

Maybe I could vent here... . I spend a lot of energy trying to be the grown up with the kids. My DH and I discuss it, but I'd like to get to a place where she has less space in our lives.

My DH was married to his UBPDex for 20 years, they have three kids. She left him for her best friend's husband who she'd been cheating with. They are now married. The ugly things she said to him I wouldn't have believed if I hadn't seen so many emails with her brand of toxic. I'm sure everyone here can fill in the blanks, how it was all his fault, he's a workaholic, terrible dad, terrible husband, and so on.

She did well in the divorce, with enough assets to retire, alimony, and on the hook for almost no expenses. I worked my ass off after my divorce to support my family and secure a job with a pension plan. My best friend who's husband cheated and left, went from being a full time mom to a single working mom to support herself and her kids. So I'm jealous of how easy her divorce was (or at least should have been, she did cause her own trauma). And yet, she's STILL bitter. And the victim.

When he and I started dating, she sent more toxins his way, the sort of things you might hear about the other woman, not the new girlfriend after a divorce that she instigated.

The icing on the cake, is that because my DH kept his personal business personal for his own sake and that of the kids, and because he didn't talk about his divorce, and because we met soon after she left, there are people who assume that I am the homewrecker- that he left her for me, since that is the stereotype midlife crisis. Nice little irony.

I know it makes no sense that I care what anyone thinks or especially care about the ex's life. And yet, it offends my sense of fairness that she could do so many hurtful things, ride off into her fairytale ending, and still be so bitter and cause so much distress, and that there could be good people who think I poached another woman's husband.

I want to evict this woman from my brainpan.

How have others removed someone who should be irrelevant from their emotional space?

BTW- my relationship with my ex is civil and usually a non-issue in my life. We are friendly-ish and mostly leave each other alone. Makes it extra frustrating that I allow myself to be driven to distraction by my ex-in-law. (my husband's ex).

[musicfan42]

What is DH? Husband or partner?

You mention that you talk to your partner about his ex-is that a really good thing? She's not your ex-she's his ex. And he'll either handle issues with her or he won't... . that's it. Just don't get involved or interfere from now on. Your partner's ex may be totally crazy but honestly, she's not your problem.

With regards to her easy divorce-yeah life is unfair but what can you do... . that's it. Acceptance is really helpful in these situations and then focus on things that you can control in your life.

I can see why it'd annoy you to be thought of as a "homewrecker" but the thing is, people make assumptions all the time about other people's lives whereas the reality is, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Some people are pretty adept at presenting a very good facade in public but then are horrible to their families.

I also wouldn't be too jealous of his ex because it's very unlikely that her new marriage will work out either-the new hubby will hear that he's a terrible husband etc in time too... . just give it time! Nothing is going to work out for his ex because borderlines tend to be extremely unstable and some of them have major issues handling money i.e. unable to handle money... . blowing it on stupid things so I would wonder whether she'll be able to actually manage the money she got in the divorce settlement... .

[nomom4me]

She sounds like a miserable person, I wish I knew more about not letting people "rent space in my head".  I think there is might be something for that in workshops.  Not discussing her might be a good step.

Are you step-parenting her kids?  A friend told me a joke about having step kids, "you got baby mamma? you got baby mamma drama".

[Pidge]

I call her my "ex-in-law" because while she isn't my ex, she is in my life like it or not.

The discussions with my husband come up when there are issues with her, around kids and so on.

We had few issues while SD16 was living with her mom, but the past few months, SD is living with us and mom is acting out.

Since I'm often the adult in charge of SD (I'm the parent at home, daytime taxi driver in our family), I need to know which parts of SD's schedule Mom is handling. We are often able to handle this with a shared calendar, when she is clear with either daughter or explicit about the transportation plan on the calendar. But sometimes when I ask SD16, she says I don't know, mom doesn't tell me.

There are also events like graduations and school plays where the adults need to play nice. The first year we were married, we got along fine, and she thought she liked me, was often telling my husband how great I was, which made me uncomfortable because I know what the other side of idealization looks like. Neutral would have been better. Then there was a dustup between our daughters (looked like normal sibling stuff to me, pretty mild arguments over where things should go in the bathroom, etc)- Mom decided my D15 was a bhit, and she needed to "protect" SD16 from us.

And, I mostly ignored her, sort of smiled and nodded when we were all thrown together over the kids, and carried on conversation with the kids and/or wandered off so kids and mom could chat.

Then she decided it was a problem that I was making it so awkward, that I didn't talk to her anymore, and that I was "overstepping" with SD16. (I wasn't- all big stuff I deferred to parents. I only handled day to day activities while she was under my roof. The things she accused me of, I hadn't actually done, like signing school forms.)

And, when SD talks about Mom- I want my face to not say what I really think. I wouldn't want SD to know the garbage her mom throws our way, or have to wonder why I dislike the woman.

That's why I'm here, to get my stuff off my chest and let go. I'm wondering what others have done to "let go" when there are still family obligations for polite contact. Mom is usually polite in person (email is another story), but flips so quickly and unexpectedly I tend to feel on my guard.

[Pidge]

Oh, and it sort of looks like the new husband could be there to stay, for three reasons. One, it looks like her blaming mostly goes toward her ex (my husband). Two, the new husband looks like a better fit for her than her ex (my husband), temperament-wise. And three, she is his sugar mama- he likes her house and yacht.I know the stats on second marriages that begin with affairs aren't good, esp with BPD in the mix, but I also think that for my own sanity, I should assume that they are a permanent fixture and be ok with that.