What a difference 3 months makes... .
3 months ago, I was devastated and worn down after 3 years of push/pull with a BPD man. I cared about him so much, and he was a huge part of my life. We talked every day for hours, and I had never been as attracted to him as I had to anyone else. I won't go into all of the details but he was textbook BPD... . always the victim/martyr, lying to make himself look good, impossible standards for other people's behavior yet completely lacking in character himself and severe lack in confidence. He had no sense of self-worth, despite having so much going for him.
Here is what I did, step by step:
1. Found a new job. I had a dead end job that allowed me lots of time to either talk to him or worry about him. Starting a new job helped me to re-focus my priorities.
2. Found a new obsession. Exercise! I trained for a bike race and continue to make new goals for myself.
3. Focused on my friends. He was consuming so much of my life and had something bad to say about all of my friends (one's a "slut", one's "stupid", one's a "drama queen". I am now much closer with my friends and have met new friends as well.
4. Talking. He was livid when he found out I had told one of my friends about us, and seemed very paranoid about me talking about our relationship to anyone. It was as if he wanted to keep me isolated so no one could talk sense into me. The more friends I tell about his behavior, the more
[url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] I have that the relationship was extremely unhealthy.
5. Boundaries. The toughest one by far. But I took baby steps. The first was no initiating contact with him. I knew that would trigger his abandonment issues, but I had to remember that he never once took my feelings into account when pushing me away and lying. After 1 week of no initiating contact, I treated myself to a nice dinner. I know he thrives on drama and wanted to make me look like the crazy one (as he did to all of his ex's), so I remained cordial to him. I did not remove him as a Facebook friend, but hid his updates from my feed and made a rule that I could not check his page. And the latest was telling my friends who know him that I did not want to hear anything about him or what he's up to.
He's found excuses to contact me, and has showed up a few times when learning my whereabouts from mutual friends. I've been friendly, but distant. Even though he was the one who pushed me away, he treats me like I am the one who dumped him... . going on about how I don't want him anymore. The good thing is that he rarely contacts me these days and I think he knows I am done for good.
My advice? Keep busy! Rediscover the things you love to do. Be selfish for the first time in a long time! Make fun plans, meet new people and remember that someone who hates himself/herself so much is not capable of loving you in the way you deserve.
Please feel free to respond or message me if you need someone to talk to!
