ex friending my clients/friends

[leftbehind]

Just writing because I need some support.  I still get the newsletters from both of the freelance places I left because of my ex working there.  I worked at both of them first.  One I worked at for 20 years.  I see since I've walked away they've replaced me.  I also saw on facebook that one of my friends/clients has friended my ex.  She's not a close friend, but still it hurts so much.  I've seen other clients of mine friend my ex, because he's still working at the place where I met these clients and I chose to walk away.

Everyone thinks so highly of him.  I walked away because I knew seeing reminders of him in these places would pull me under.  Now I am regretting my decision, although I don't know what else I could have done.

I could have let it be his problem that I was still working there, but I didn't feel strong enough.  Now I have animosity for the friends/clients of mine who he's friends with on facebook, especially this one woman because part of me thinks they will go for each other, I can totally see that happening.  It's hard enough contemplating blocking him from facebook (only to stop myself from looking) but now I feel like unfriending this woman. And she hasn't done anything wrong.

I feel like he took so much.  I am so tempted to go into this place when he's working toward the end of his shift and force a confrontation with me, especially since everyone treats this place as more of a hang out, even the owner.  I feel like I've entered crazy land once again.  If anyone has any words of support please help. 

This is a whole town that I feel like avoiding.  There are whole venues I'm afraid to try and work at, because he might end up working there too at the same events.  I am 100% self employed, but this is only a part time job for him.  I can't afford to let myself go under, I have nothing saved and live from month to month.  I feel like I'm losing it.

I don't realistically think anything good would come out of a confrontation.  But I feel like he got away with so much, and is so happy pappy with his life.  When does it end?

[Lady31]

Hang on tight leftbehind! 

I am not in your same situation, but one that really bites any way you look at it.  I am self employed too - with my husband.  I helped him build this business and raise his daughter.  (This is not my first company.) He wouldn't have had a clue how to set up and run the internal side of things, nor would he have had the $ to do it.  Basically his job as an employee (service business) didn't change much.  He picked up his schedule in the morning and did the jobs, everything else I did/do!

Now (4 1/2 years later) his daughter is graduating so that "task" is done in his eyes and he doesn't need me anymore. 

The business is just now is starting to make serious money and all debts are paid off.  He wants to buy me out for PEANUTS and somehow thinks that's fair because he will be the one out there physically making all the money.  Has the mentality that he has made every dime that has come in (has actually said this)?  (This mindset alone shows that he looks at things more from an "employee perspective" and not a business owner.  He doesn't even have a clue.)

It is hard because now he is set up nice and there really isn't a whole lot I can do.  Too many variables to explain here now.  Basically sucks as I look at all I helped him do to set his life up.  URG! (Although he will probably run it into the ground once I am out of the equation.)

I know I will have to just build a different business and go on - and I will - but it's still a crappy feeling!

In your situation, he can't take away your business in any way - he could just potentially make you miserable.  I would say hold on to what you can.  Let go of the fact that you walked away from clients so far and don't kick yourself.  Just focus on getting new ones and don't let him stop you!

There will come a day when you are completely over him - and when you feel that way you will probably wish you would have just "pressed through" as it would put you in a different position by that point.

I say analyze each angle to see what best avenues you can go to minimize future contact with him.  Think about what your plan would be if you DID have some kind of run in with him through work and how you could handle that.  Get your game plan and get going!

If it's absolutely too hard to continue in that direction with the possibilities, is there a way you could just stat over in a new area?  Perhaps sell some assets or get a loan to help you make the transition?

He doesn't own your life or your future.  There are always options.  They may not be the perfect ones we are looking for, but that doesn't mean they can't pay off in the long run, or even the not so long run.

Time for a new chapter!  Time to spice it up a bit!

**Just do the same thing a different way!

[leftbehind]

Thanks Lady31   I have retained some clients from the old job because I still have my mailing list (which we were allowed to generate).  I've been hesitating because of the feeling that this puts me in competition with my old boss.  It's not an integrity breach, as I was always upfront about also working out of my house, but it's more that I've been allowing myself to be blocked in this area. 

My ex would very frequently ask me for business advice and help, and he's even said to me that in business situations he asks himself, "What would leftbehind do?"  Infuriating that I was so open and helpful, being that we were in the same industry, and now he's broken up with me and cut me out of his life.

Where I need courage is moving forward into new events that he might also participate in.  There is a big one coming up in November, and I am waiting a bit longer to see how strong I am.  I may miss out on the registration if I wait, but right now I can't commit not knowing how I'll feel.  I'm still over here struggling not to call, write, or show up where he is!  (Haven't done any of that in 8 weeks since I tried to talk to him immediately post breakup email, but those urges are still there.)

I also verbally gave him my business outline, what I was planning to do and accomplish and how, and I suspect he's sharing it with our old boss so she can make her business better.  This is something I have no control over, but when I see signs of it (when I choose to look at that establishment's newsletter) it makes me crazy.  Got so upset last night that I couldn't sleep.

I know that living well is the best revenge.  I just keep holding on to that.  It is so hard that this person, who was my love and my best friend (or so I thought) has now become a competitor, one I help to mold.  It also feels like he sees me as the enemy, at the very least I'm sure has no compassion for me.  Not one phone call since his breakup email.  If I hadn't gone to confront him I truly think that email would have been the only communication I received.  Yet 4 days a week I know where he is and could confront him if I wanted to, but on his turf (this place of business/hang out) which USED to be my turf.  Uuugh

[Sparkley]

This happened to me when I was in high school.  My ex just stopped talking to me and started dating someone else.  The smear campaign began.  What became very hurtful to me(besides the torturous hurt from our relationship) was that my ex had befriended all of my friends, most of them MY childhood friends.  It wasn't that any of them thought any less of me but it really bothered me that they thought so highly of her.  She was an awful person and no one seemed to ever see it or know about it but me.  (Made me feel like I was crazy--did I imagine everything)?

It took me having to stay away from my friends and making new friends just to have no contact with my ex.  It didn't take long for me to notice that she had a pattern of befriending anyone I became friends with, and she even dated an ex-bf of mine.

Fast forward 20 years, it's still the same thing.  She comes and goes but she's always around and always making friends with my friends.  Just a month ago I was at a scouting event with my son and I was talking to my neighbor.  No sooner than I walk away, my ex jumps up and starts having a conversation with my neighbor. 

It may seem innocent to others but there is a pattern and yes, it does hurt when others don't see her for who she is--a monster.