Relationships with friends

[allibaba]

After about 3 weeks of working on boundaries and having a really, really great domestic life, my husband woke up yesterday morning in terrors.  He is worried about something that is near and dear to him (how he manages his diabetes).  The doctor took him off insulin because he was doing well and he stopped taking his prescriptions and has been eating too much sugar so SHOCK, SHOCK his blood sugar is high.  First thing off the bat, he went after me... . its my fault because I am not supportive etc etc.  

I didn't take the bait... . didn't argue... . just told him that the minute he started in on me (verbal abuse) I was stopping whatever I was doing and he could finish (if I am packing his lunch he can finish).  Well we have had 24 hrs of dysregulated behavior.  He drove across our lawn last night in his truck spinning the wheels (we have been working hard to get our lawn re-seeded) and he's a little compulsive about it.  We live in the country so no one really cares whether we tear up our lawn or not!  Once I saw that type of aggressive, destructive behavior I told him that I loved him and was heading out and would return at 6:30pm.  I asked if I should consider him in dinner plans (he told me to go F myself).  

I went over to a friends house (actually her mom's) and hung out for a few hours.  She and her husband have temporarily separated because he seems to be having addiction issues.    It was nice to hang with her and I didn't bad mouth my husband.  Just said he was in a bad mood and it was his right but I didn't need to be there.

So this morning he tells me that I need to find my own friends (he is sort of friends with her husband but not really).  We met them at the same time but he used to work with the guy.  He says that I am not to take over his friends because I am so bad at relationships that I will destroy this one.  A few years ago he told me that he was sick of me having relationships independent of him and that I needed to make friends with his friends wives.  It totally made sense so when we moved here that is what I did. So this morning, I quietly told him that I wasn't going to walk away from this friendship (its the only real one I have since we moved 3 yrs ago).  I said that they aren't even living together.  He came up with some ridiculously story about why she is trash and I shouldn't be around her.  About how when he leaves me, they are his friends.  When he started in about how I am a loser etc I dropped what I was doing and told him that he could finish his breakfast and lunch and left the room.

How do I deal with this?  I am not going to stop hanging out with the 1 person in this country that I relate to... . I am not talking about him behind his back... . she's one of the only people that babysits for me (LOL).  There is too much to lose here!  He has targeted her because I can call her at any time and seek refuge so he's lost some control.  I just tell her that my husband is acting like a dork and I need to come hang out.  She adores my husband and she knows how strongly we feel about each other so doesn't judge when I need a break from our house.

How do I address this?  I am not going to abandon this friendship but what do I say to my husband?  I wonder if when he is calm I should reassure him that when I go over there I don't talk about him or gossip... . because I believe this is all rooted in insecurity.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Rockylove]

I suppose less is more in these types of situations.  I wouldn't go overboard explaining yourself and your friendship~~just continue it without making it an issue.  He's probably feeling that you're betraying him by keeping the friendship.  Remember... . it's all about him!   

[zaqsert]

I suppose less is more in these types of situations.  I wouldn't go overboard explaining yourself and your friendship~~just continue it without making it an issue.

I agree with Rockylove.  Sometimes I can explain things to my uBPDw, and it comes across fine.  But other times, especially if it involves a sensitive topic between us, my explanation comes across instead as making excuses.  In other words, JADEing.  It's probably more about her perception of it than the way that I convey it.  But either way, it doesn't help.

This seems to be one of those that whatever his feelings, whatever his opinions, you can't control or change them.  It's up to him to do so or to give up on the belief.  If you try to explain it, he may feel that you are telling him that his feelings are wrong and that he should feel differently.  This could make him feel invalidated, and it could cause further escalation.  I think it was Waverider who pointed out that it could even get him more entrenched in the belief.

Reassuring him sounds like a good idea.  But rather than reassuring him about your relationship with your friend, just reassure him of your love for your husband.  He may still give you a nasty reaction in the moment, but in the long run it can help.

[allibaba]

Ok... . Thanks for the reminder.  He's been WAY OFF since Wednesday (today would usually be the day for him for come out of it)... . but he's particularly stressed about his health and I think that he is upset that I am going away this weekend.  I'll just keep reminding him that I love him and not make an issue out of my friendships.

[Grey Kitty]

As others have already said, it isn't going to help to "explain" it.

I consider it to be another boundary around abuse (which includes isolating you from others):

"I will have friendships with people when I want to, and will not end them for you."

Validate that you see him being upset... . but don't let him shut down your friendships!

[zaqsert]

Thanks, Grey Kitty!  Your post really helped to clarify this for me too.  It has bugged me that I let a few friendships go over the years because my uBPDw didn't like them (for no reason that I ever understood).

Thinking about this as a boundary helps give me more confidence that I can, deserve to, and will keep the friendships that I want.  Of course in hindsight this seems so clear. 

[lonleyandlost1]

Thank you for this post! I needed to read this, today, right now. My husband is also diabetic with uBPD. Just when I thought no one could possibly get it, here you are!

[allibaba]

As others have already said, it isn't going to help to "explain" it.

I consider it to be another boundary around abuse (which includes isolating you from others):

"I will have friendships with people when I want to, and will not end them for you."

Validate that you see him being upset... . but don't let him shut down your friendships!

Thanks Grey Kitty.  I sort of assumed that attempting to isolate by criticizing the friendships was along the same veins of abuse.  He dropped it and actually put something up in our house that the friend in question had given me.  I think it was his way of waving the white flag when I didn't back down.  I like the boundary.  I never considered getting rid of the friendship but it helps to think of the boundary in the way that you suggested.

Hi lonleyandlost1

My husband is also diabetic with uBPD. Just when I thought no one could possibly get it, here you are!

Ha ha and if you let him - he makes your life total hell about all meals... . LOL I get it.  I know at least 2 other people on these boards who have diabetic spouses and meals/ food are a huge trigger/ issue in their house.  Welcome!  Meals are becoming less of an issue due to some suggestions that I have gotten on this board so give me a shout if you want suggestions.

[Jeansok]

Thank you for this as well! I'm just grateful I'm finding out about this now and not 5-10 years from now when I've completely isolated all my friends. I will not do it. I'm going out with friends tonight, he was all about me doing it. We will see tomorrow or later tonight if he starts texting me he wishes I was there... .