Why am I such a pushover?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It has been a while since I've posted, and for the most part my life has been somewhat balanced.  But I am writing again today because of something personal.

SO and I have been church hopping trying to find somewhere to go.  I loved one we went to in our town, but they didn't have child care for our 1 year old.  We tried another one about a half hour from our house that we both seemed to like, though I was a little weary of some minor theology and doctrine, and the pastor wanted to meet with us, but our schedules didn't work for it.  Now, through meeting some of the members at a birthday party for their son, we are going to another church a half hour away, though there are two couples from it in our town.  We've gone once, and it seems ok, and the people seem welcoming and so forth, but I have some big issues with them theologically and doctrinally, but they seem genuine and interested.  It all has me concerned about my ability to be manipulated, because I'm starting to waver on my own thoughts, even though they are things that I've held close as beliefs for a long time, some my whole life.  I'm a little afraid that I'm succumbing to a love bomb as a result of feeling isolated from friends in my relationship/family.

My purpose for posting is to try and get a discussing moving about how we are so easily swayed in our emotions and beliefs, all of which, I think, has made us easy pickings for these relationships we find (or found) ourselves in.  I have always been easy to use and naive, and I've always tried to see all sides of a discussion or thought, but these are now causing problems, well always have.   just trying to reach some sort of understanding in it.

[Winglessfallen]

It has been a while since I've posted, and for the most part my life has been somewhat balanced.  But I am writing again today because of something personal.

SO and I have been church hopping trying to find somewhere to go.  I loved one we went to in our town, but they didn't have child care for our 1 year old.  We tried another one about a half hour from our house that we both seemed to like, though I was a little weary of some minor theology and doctrine, and the pastor wanted to meet with us, but our schedules didn't work for it.  Now, through meeting some of the members at a birthday party for their son, we are going to another church a half hour away, though there are two couples from it in our town.  We've gone once, and it seems ok, and the people seem welcoming and so forth, but I have some big issues with them theologically and doctrinally, but they seem genuine and interested.  It all has me concerned about my ability to be manipulated, because I'm starting to waver on my own thoughts, even though they are things that I've held close as beliefs for a long time, some my whole life.  I'm a little afraid that I'm succumbing to a love bomb as a result of feeling isolated from friends in my relationship/family.

My purpose for posting is to try and get a discussing moving about how we are so easily swayed in our emotions and beliefs, all of which, I think, has made us easy pickings for these relationships we find (or found) ourselves in.  I have always been easy to use and naive, and I've always tried to see all sides of a discussion or thought, but these are now causing problems, well always have.   just trying to reach some sort of understanding in it.

[livednlearned]

One thing that helped me in the beginning of my healing, when I really needed some guideposts, was to figure out the difference between what it means to be assertive, and what it means to be aggressive. It seems like a lot of us get those two confused, thinking that being assertive is somehow aggressive.

I have to work on this with my son a lot, who was well on the path to being codependent. I helped him seeing the difference between the two, and we have the Assertive Bill of Rights up on our fridge:

The following rights highlight the freedom you have to be yourself without disrespecting others:

• The right to have and express your own feelings and opinions appropriately and have them taken seriously by others.

• The right to ask for what you want.

• The right to say “no” without feeling guilty.

• The right to be treated with respect and not be taken for granted.

• The right to offer no reasons or excuses.

• The right to set your own priorities.

• The right to make mistakes.

• The right to change your mind.

• Then right to make your own decisions and deal with the consequences.

• The right to choose not to assert yourself.

[musicfan42]

yes I agree with livednlearned-another thing is: looking after your own needs is not selfish. Try to get the idea into your head that you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else such as your son. In airplanes, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first and then put on the child's oxygen mask.

If you have your own opinions and they're working for you, then stick with them... . you don't have to follow the crowd... . you can be your own person.