Sheer attraction?

[crystalclear]

I stumbled upon something my ex BF with BPD or NPD, told me - and i blanked out... . panic attack!

Me - Why are we together after all these fights and arguements, if were so frustrated and you keep losing your temper?

He (ex BF) - Attraction... . we are just attracted to one another.

I was shocked, or rather hurt. But then he said, 'i love you, and i does not take a second to want me give us another chance, but i would be lying to myself'?

Still don't get what does any of that mean? We were together for 1.5 yrs, and he constantly said how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, marry me and see the world with me, until the last 3 months of our relationship when he said he was frustrated with our arguements and blamed me for most of the things... . no matter what i did to keep him happy was always insufficient... . until one day he broke up with me... . and moved to another girl within 3 months to get married... . Was it just 'attraction' that made him propose to me within 1 month into our r/s, to control my life, to tell me i am the one,and then to abuse me, and discard me... . ?

[seeking balance]

I stumbled upon something my ex BF with BPD or NPD, told me - and i blanked out... . panic attack!

Me - Why are we together after all these fights and arguements, if were so frustrated and you keep losing your temper?

He (ex BF) - Attraction... . we are just attracted to one another.

I was shocked, or rather hurt. But then he said, 'i love you, and i does not take a second to want me give us another chance, but i would be lying to myself'?

Still don't get what does any of that mean? We were together for 1.5 yrs, and he constantly said how much he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, marry me and see the world with me, until the last 3 months of our relationship when he said he was frustrated with our arguements and blamed me for most of the things... . no matter what i did to keep him happy was always insufficient... . until one day he broke up with me... . and moved to another girl within 3 months to get married... . Was it just 'attraction' that made him propose to me within 1 month into our r/s, to control my life, to tell me i am the one,and then to abuse me, and discard me... . ?

HI Crystal,

I know it can be confusing when someone we love says one thing but does the opposite.

BPD is an emotional regulation problem - this means we see patterns at extreme ends of the spectrum... . one minute we are  the loves of their lives and the next we are the bane of their existence.

I often refer to thinking about a 2 year old - they can completely love you, giggle and hug you one minute, but if you take away a favorite toy, they will pitch a fit and hate you.  We expect this with a 2 year old, just not with an adult.

Attraction is an interesting word - in this case it is more of a desperate need - the "you complete me" feeling that most pwBPD are looking for since a lack of a sense of self is one of the criteria.

You cannot know for sure his motives - but you do get to look at your own and change so you don't go down this path again.  What in you thought it was rational to stay with someone who proposed after 1 month?  Not judging, I did it too - I had to look in the mirror and deal with my own issues too.

Peace,

SB

[crystalclear]

You cannot know for sure his motives - but you do get to look at your own and change so you don't go down this path again.  What in you thought it was rational to stay with someone who proposed after 1 month?  Not judging, I did it too - I had to look in the mirror and deal with my own issues too.

Peace,

SB

SB - A very good question you asked. Perhaps, love is blind - and my mind was too. I had no idea about such disorder but that still isn't a reason enough to defend myself. I think it was certainly love i had towards this man who seemed to love me so much and care for me. I did take time to accept his proposal as i was unsure if i could make a life-long commitment to a person i met 3 months ago. But i did eventually as he was already selling 'the dream life' we would have.

I am not denying i wasn't selfish but i looked at a stable life with a man who loves me and will support me... . And he said i was just the kind of woman he wanted in his life. This boosted my self confidence or image, and never did i for once stop and look at the r/s as an outsider. He did not want to live alone anymore and longed to 'have a wife', also he feared aging (he was 32 and me 26).

I took him to my parents months later, this was after he abusing me physically, calling my friends names, blaming me for his anger. He cried like a baby and apolosise for his actions immediately or that he does not remember as he was drunk. What was i thinking then? Why did i fall for him? By then i was already addicted to him and believed he would change slowly, perhaps he would be the man i fell in love with once he feels secure - being married!

Was he only attracted to me or was he attracted to the package i brought to his life - which he was eventually less appealing to him as the 'frustration' in him surged? Do they never love us, did he never feel any emotions (care,happiness,empathy,bonding) when he was with me? Guess that is the reason i was so quickly replacable after all  :'(

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Crystal,

You said something that I find quite apt:

no matter what i did to keep him happy was always insufficient

I used to have a saying in my marriage that whatever I did was "never enough!" because nothing was ever sufficient to keep my uBPDexW happy for long.  I think in some ways you could say that is a characteristic of a r/s with a pwBPD, because the emotional cavern within the pwBPD can never be "filled" by a spouse or partner, as hard as we might try.

It was a frustrating process for me and, in the end, totally depleting.  I waited until my tank was on empty before making a change.  It seems you got out sooner, so be grateful and move on.  You will definitely find better days ahead.

In the meantime, hang in there,

LuckyJim