I feel like there is no safe place away from ex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

There has been several incidents lately since I've made a post here... .

The reason I say I feel like I don't have a safe place from my ex ... . is because as you already know I've lost all of my friends to him (mostly), and I've dealt with that and learned to accept it. But now , for whatever reason, he is hanging around with my Mother and nieces . Just showing up and spending the night over there. The logical thing to do for me was to discuss that whole deal with my mother, but of course I suspect her being BPD (and she even does too) so she blew up and projected on me like CRAZY. But of course that isn't anything new.

So the main reason he would be over there besides to start drama with me would to smoke meth with my mom. So I stupidly texted him and told him to be careful around that (as he was addicted and I'm sure couldn't resist) 

What really got me is texted me back with this "you are the only drug in my system. why does that bother you? your upset because you know you were subject to being talked about weren't you? "

I didn't reply.

then he sends this : Well you were!


So in a nutshell , I feel like he wants me to be alone, no friends or family. Any person I am close to, he steps in. Just like the guy from a few months ago I considered dating, ex sends him a message saying how crazy I am and not to get too close to me. Every person in this town stays 10 feet away from me. It does hurt!

Ex's family are famous for ostracizing people, so I know where he learned it from... . but when it spread to my family that really made me snap. I'm not angry at all, just really, really sad.

Basically my entire point is that even after separation, I feel all of his power and control over my life. Things are worse now that we are separated. He has made it his goal to ruin me and make sure I never accomplish anything or make friendships. I feel worthless, and guilty if I move into my own apartment or *Gasp* go on a date with someone!

I've been doing the group DV classes and a private counselor who is quite experienced in BPD/NPD/ASPD. So far I've gone to 24. I'm feeling really stuck.

[motherof1yearold]

There has been several incidents lately since I've made a post here... .

The reason I say I feel like I don't have a safe place from my ex ... . is because as you already know I've lost all of my friends to him (mostly), and I've dealt with that and learned to accept it. But now , for whatever reason, he is hanging around with my Mother and nieces . Just showing up and spending the night over there. The logical thing to do for me was to discuss that whole deal with my mother, but of course I suspect her being BPD (and she even does too) so she blew up and projected on me like CRAZY. But of course that isn't anything new.

So the main reason he would be over there besides to start drama with me would to smoke meth with my mom. So I stupidly texted him and told him to be careful around that (as he was addicted and I'm sure couldn't resist) 

What really got me is texted me back with this "you are the only drug in my system. why does that bother you? your upset because you know you were subject to being talked about weren't you? "

I didn't reply.

then he sends this : Well you were!


So in a nutshell , I feel like he wants me to be alone, no friends or family. Any person I am close to, he steps in. Just like the guy from a few months ago I considered dating, ex sends him a message saying how crazy I am and not to get too close to me. Every person in this town stays 10 feet away from me. It does hurt!

Ex's family are famous for ostracizing people, so I know where he learned it from... . but when it spread to my family that really made me snap. I'm not angry at all, just really, really sad.

Basically my entire point is that even after separation, I feel all of his power and control over my life. Things are worse now that we are separated. He has made it his goal to ruin me and make sure I never accomplish anything or make friendships. I feel worthless, and guilty if I move into my own apartment or *Gasp* go on a date with someone!

I've been doing the group DV classes and a private counselor who is quite experienced in BPD/NPD/ASPD. So far I've gone to 24. I'm feeling really stuck.

[motherof1yearold]

Sorry , I forgot to include the 3rd possible DUI. Me and ex live on the same road right beside each other, and he was pulled over for the 3rd time on DUI and got an escort home, no charges. Any legal action I can take regarding child custody?

[marbleloser]

So sorry to hear mother. So,you're mom is on meth? He's a "former" addict? He's had past DUI's?

I'd say you have a very good chance at primary custody,for sure. You'll need the documentation to support all of this.This means his arrest records,any rehab stays,etc.,,

What makes me the saddest is that your mom is on it.She should be your rock and go-to person,but unfortunately it doesn't look like you have that option.

Where are you living now?

[paxfamilia]

I would take more than police records.  I would take advantage of the fact he is 'moving in' on your family and get some video evidence of drug use, drunkenness, what have you.  Only if you feel safe and pack a weapon.  Only you know your family and what you can get away with  "Setting him up" with text messages is another good idea, or with email.  stating things to get him to admit to meth, etc.

[ForeverDad]

So I stupidly texted him and told him to be careful around that (as he was addicted and I'm sure couldn't resist)

Hindsight is amazing, isn't it?  Yeah you're like all of us, foresight is a hard skill to master, hindsight is so much easier.

So... . Stop worrying about him.  He will do or not do whatever he pleases.  You know he doesn't listen to you, he has no respect for you and instead he looks for ways to emotionally retaliate, distress you and sabotage you.

Repeat, don't reach out to him, ever.  The only reasons for contact should be focused solely on your child, parenting and exchanges.

Even if he isn't arrested, do the police log their runs?  Do the police record any details?

Did you ever get drug testing ordered?  No, not talking about alcohol.  I talking only about the illegal drugs.  Of course, whatever the court orders for him could be ordered for you, at least until they have an idea who's at most risk for violation, so stay clean.

[motherof1yearold]

Thanks everyone.

Here is the deal with the drug testing. His lawyer made SURE that there would be a 4 day gap until he has to test when asked by me, and the reason why it is 4 days is because meth is out of your system in 4 days. He set it up perfectly for himself.  My attorneys have tried to look up all 3 duis to see an incident report for evidence in court but no luck yet, this is a small town with a good ol' boy system so they don't always go by the books and record incidents I suppose.

I live with my dad, but still now I'm not stepping foot in my mothers home again!

[ForeverDad]

If the parenting is coming up for review this summer, you may want to have that 4 days delay clause booted by the judge.  However, so much is done by settlement agreements that judge do little than rubber stamps them.  If you can't reach settlement then for sure try to get the judge to remove or reduce that delay clause when considering the other issues.  Come on, a built-in delay for testing is clearly with one purpose only, to avoid someone failing a test.  

[motherof1yearold]

Exactly foreverdad, I know law enforcement officers in my state and when they are selected for a random drug test they need to be there within an hour or so. 4 days is actually atrocious in my case, that gives him ample time to detox and possibly even use a cleansing agent. However, you are so right about the judge just rubber stamping things, as we settled in mediation. This time next month we will be attempting mediation again, which I know won't work this time around, and then going to court.

I wonder if in court it would be too late to get retro time for the earlier 30 day incident?

[Blazing Star]

So in a nutshell , I feel like he wants me to be alone, no friends or family. Any person I am close to, he steps in. Just like the guy from a few months ago I considered dating, ex sends him a message saying how crazy I am and not to get too close to me. Every person in this town stays 10 feet away from me. It does hurt!

Ex's family are famous for ostracizing people, so I know where he learned it from... . but when it spread to my family that really made me snap. I'm not angry at all, just really, really sad.

Basically my entire point is that even after separation, I feel all of his power and control over my life. Things are worse now that we are separated. He has made it his goal to ruin me and make sure I never accomplish anything or make friendships. I feel worthless, and guilty if I move into my own apartment or *Gasp* go on a date with someone!

I've been doing the group DV classes and a private counselor who is quite experienced in BPD/NPD/ASPD. So far I've gone to 24. I'm feeling really stuck.

Hi Mother,

I am really feeling for you      .

It sounds like he is still in your life in a painful way. That must be so challenging!

It's great you are still doing the DV group and the private therapy too. I remember when I was feeling stuck a friend said something like "That's a good thing, it means you are on the cusp of a shift and are just waiting for the conditions to give you a nudge in the right direction".

It sounds like he is doing everything he can to keep himself in your life and your focus on him. I know we can't change him. We can change your focus though. I remember you wrote some beautiful poems, could you write some poems about yourself, about who you want to be, perhaps from the perspective of looking back on yourself in 5 years?

Perhaps you could do something symbolic to cut the tie to him? And then fill your head and your heart up with thoughts and feelings of YOU, and where you want your life to be going?

What do you think?

Love Blazing Star

[motherof1yearold]

Thank you Blazing star!

I certainly hope your friends advice applies to me as well!

And what a wonderful idea you have about cutting ties symbolically, I think that could really help me along!

Thank you so much 

[Blazing Star]

Thank you Blazing star!

I certainly hope your friends advice applies to me as well!

And what a wonderful idea you have about cutting ties symbolically, I think that could really help me along!

Thank you so much 

Great! Hope you do some writing about it too, posting over on Personal Inventory would be a good place for any self-reflective poems! Would love to hear how you get on.

Love Blazing Star