Voicing my needs

[cult]

Hi everyone,

I have written the following letter to my SO. I have not yet decided whether it is OK as it is, or whether it does an adequate job setting fair expectations. I would like some feedback.

Here is the text of the letter:

This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. I can’t imagine my life without you as my partner, but I cannot continue with things the way they are, either. Over the past month of distance, I have reflected long and hard on the state of things.

I told you recently that I have to be important and that I have to exist. And however you may feel deep in your heart, this is not what I am experiencing right now. I am sure you never intended to cause me pain, but that is what has happened. I cannot continue like this any longer. I need to set boundaries.

My basic needs are:

1.     That you find a job – any job – ASAP to make a more significant financial contribution to the household.  It is no longer OK with me that I pay all of the house bills, plus your personal bills  (ie cell phone) while you ignore me, refuse to meet any of my needs, and spend the vast majority of your time with other people.

2.     That you find a way, within your capabilities, to treat me in a more loving and respectful manner that honors me as your partner. Refusing to spend time with me and refusing to honor ANY of my needs is not going to cut it anymore.

If you are not willing to do both of these things, then I cannot live with you any longer and I will not continue to pay your bills.

I love you with all of my heart and my hope is that we can continue to grow together as individuals and as a couple.

Cult

[Newton]

cult... . I appreciate your need to write this letter... .

I may be telling you how to suck eggs here... . have you read the lessons /workshops on DEARMAN ?... .

If you need to send this letter it would help to frame your needs around this format... .

ps/lose the word "but"... . simply erase it from your letter... . for someone emotionally sensitive that word negates the sentiment you wrote before it... . ie/

"I really love you... . but... . " ... .  

[cult]

Thanks for the feedback. I agree, the first draft was much more an airing of resentments. Necessary for me but not helpful for partner or relationship. I have revised it using the DEARMAN strategy. What do you think?

D – I am paying all of the bills in our household right now.  My income by itself cannot support our current living situation.

E – I feel exhausted, defeated and depleted. I feel sad that my plan to financially carry our lives was so destructive to the both of us. I feel hopeful that this situation can change and we can both be happier.

A -  I want you to get a job so that you can make a contribution to the household bills.

R – If you get a job, you will have income, and you will feel better about yourself by working. You will foster your independence and separateness. I will have help with the bills, which will greatly reduce my stress level.