I want to be strong but I'm struggling. Tell me what I can do...

[Chosen]

The uBPDh who claimed he will not be back until Sunday sent me a text yesterday after work, and asked to see my dad with me at the hospital.  I said ok, we met up and went to the hospital.  He was fine all the way there, and with my dad.

Then when we went back home (it was late), and we were in bed (I had a headache and had popped a pill), he started again.  He muttered under his breath "selfish b****", then asked, "Why are you always so selfish?"  then started on me again.  I tried to validate him/ use responsive listening by saying stuff like, "Hmm... . you're saying that you don't feel I care, since I care about you in my own way, not the way you want, right?  Hmm... . in future I will try to understand in what way you want to be cared about."  And of course he went on about how I have never done so.  After a while I know this will just be another attack on me, so I suggested, "It's quite late, and your mum is going to the doc (to have minor surgery) tomorrow.  I know she's very important to you, so why don't we get some rest now so you can take care of her better tomorrow?"  He then shouted, "You're doing it again!  You're doing everything you way!  Blocking me and stopping conversation!"  (his idea of me not stopping conversation is agreeing to everything he says and apologising)  I don't know what to say at this point (can anyone suggest anything?). 

After a while I started getting knots in my tummy and I then I had diarrhea (sorry TMI.  Every time I'm really stressed out my tummy acts out first).  He followed me to the bathroom and continued scolding me.  I just kept on saying "I'm unwell!  I’m unwell!  You can continue but I cannot respond!”  After a while he gave up. 

He went into our room, took my pillow and blanket, dumped them on the sofa.  He said “Your tummy is unwell.  Then you better sleep in the living room tonight.  And sleep sitting up, it always helps you every time your tummy is unwell.”  (duh.  Not when I have stress-induced discomfort.  That only goes away when the source shuts up.)  I didn’t argue, didn’t say anything.  Of course I don’t want to sleep in the living room but then it gives me space away from him.  It was better than sleeping the room.

When I woke up, he put on an act of kindness and asked how I was doing.  I was still unwell.  I woke up every hour of the night (I didn’t tell him), I have a headache and am having really low energy levels.  He said “I was hoping you’d come back in after you feel better.  I thought you’d come back into the room.”  I only responded, “Hmm.”  He then started provoking arguments, but my mind was really slow and I just couldn’t give him any answer (and also unwilling), so he got annoyed and went back to bed and ignored me till I left.  At the moment, I’m at the office.  I’m kind of relieved.  Glad to be away.  I’m not afraid of him anymore, I just don’t know what to do.  Some specific questions I need urgent help (hopefully before I next see him!) are:

1.   We’re getting into circular argument.  He thinks me staying to listen to his attack and apologizing is the only way to go.  I don’t think so.  He would never have time out.  What am I to do if I cannot physically leave?  Just say, “I will stop responding to this” and let him accuse me of controlling the conversation?  Or what else?

2.   If he’s in silence should I reach out to him?  Like ask how his mum is doing?  I’d rather not speak to him (as it will most likely lead to him attacking me again), but I’m worried he may further accuse me of giving him the silent treatment/ abandoning him.

3.   In one week’s time, I have a huge presentation and report to submit for my studies.  I cannot afford to have him fight with me every day or else I will fail.  I am already planning to stay at work to do it till late, at least until he is no longer dysregulated.  But I still have to face him.  And of course since I’m not doing something he likes he will continue to be dysregulated.  Am I not doing enough?  Or should I just go back, let him be dysregulated, continue to not respond and let him call me selfish b**** (not that it sinks into my mind, he did it all too much already) and accuse me of everything under the sun?

Sorry for going on and on.  I kind of need some advice on what to do and how to handle this.  I don’t even know if I’m handling it ok any longer.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[VenusAndMars]

Seems very complicated... . Sorry.

I can only add that, for me and my BPD wife, the longer I let the silence go on, the worse things will get. A few hours of silence is usually a good thing for both of us, but once it turns into days everything seems to just get worse. And I tend to do a lot of apologizing, and often for the same things over and over. Even though she always responds with something like "What good is your apology if you never change?" I just try to reassure her that I'm just human and that some things are just difficult for me, but that I really am trying. But the apologizing does itself eventually get her to move on. I try to be very sincere about it.

Some things are probably similar. She does a lot of downward talking and I do most of the listening. And it only reverses when she demands an answer out of me. Answers that I often do not have. It just takes a lot of time, usually very uncomfortable time, until she has said as much as she feels she needs to. And then we move on. I try not to let it get to me anymore. I just go through the process because I know she needs me to go through it. Eventually we both come out the other side and life goes on. It used to depress me a lot. Now, not so much. Just because I know it's the BPD and not that she really believes I'm a loser.

Good luck.

[jedicloak]

This is abusive behavior. Following you around and yelling when you already don't feel well... . come on, that's crazy. His behavior is over the top and uncalled for, BPD or not. My thoughts about this... . your best bet for sanity is to learn and practice boundaries. The only reason he behaves like this is because he knows he can get away with it without consequences.

I would suggest 12 step, alanon, coda or anything else where you can learn to stand up for yourself firmly, assertively and back it up with action if necessary.

I am SO sorry you are experiencing this. I can hear the desperation in your words and the frustration pouring through my monitor.

And if I may... . "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend

All of these things together and your determination CAN turn this craziness around.

Hugs to you in this trying time!     

[Chosen]

Thanks jedicloak.  Yes it's very frustrating, and I am slowly coming to terms that a lot of what he did/ does to me is controlling, abusive behaviour.

Had a chat with my counselor this afternoon.  I do have boundaries in place and since a while ago I have told him I will stop responding when he uses verbally abusive language (although of course he will say he's not being abusive, it's me).  If he yells at me,  I will not respond and I will let him know that.  To be honest, he can keep on blaming and accusing, but if at the end of the day he wants a response to come from me, he will have to be nicer.  I just have to be brave!  (I'm a loot braver these days compared to my early days here, so hopefully I will regain even more confidence in myself)

He's also doing intense push/pull- by not caring about my wellbeing to saying he's upset that I'm not feeling well.  I'm not going to be swayed by what he says/ not says, and I'm just kind of in the middle.  Enjoy when he is nice... . when he's not then I switch to the more alert mode and protect myself if needed. 

Thanks for the support.

[waverider]

You have gone round and round with validation etc for a long time now.

Until you can find a way to have that ultimate boundary of physically leaving I am not sure you are going to make any real progress.

[jedicloak]

Not sure what else I can say, but I will say waverider has been SOO right about SOO many things.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. Such a controlling, manipulative, juvenile way of being. When you know that you deserve better than this, you'll be able to do whatever it takes to take care of you. Until then, I can say, you matter!

[arabella]

So you started putting boundaries in place and no longer engage him when he is raging. So he is raging more and following you around. Could it be an extinction burst? Stick with your boundaries and you may find that he eventually clues in and stops with the escalations.

1. He can accuse you of being 'controlling' all he likes. So what? It's not true. Just like you aren't a b***h. You can't reason with it and you can't do anything about it. You can explain, when you're not arguing, that sometimes you need a time-out. If he can't accept your limitations then there's nothing more you can do about it.

2. I would just let him sit in silence. Again, you can't control his perception of the situation. If you want to talk, go ahead, but don't do it for his benefit - do it for your own. You can't 'fix' his abandonment issues. You can let him know that you're there if he wants to chat, but don't feel obligated to try to soothe him by guessing at conversations.

3. Your needs have to come first right now. Do what you need to do to get that project done properly. There is no such thing as what you 'should' do - what you should do is whatever is going to work best for you. You can give your H a heads-up that this is what you're doing so that he is aware of the circumstances but, ultimately, you need to make your decisions based on getting your own stuff taken care of.

You're doing fine. It's not you - it's him. You can't control it so just focus on what you can do for yourself!

Good luck with your project!

[Rouge123]

My H sounds similar to yours. We are in the process of learning about BPD and how to set boundaries, etc. I have tried in the past to defuse situations as best I can and take a time out and all I hear from him is how "I don't respect him, and I don't listen to him, and I always end conversations when I want to and he isn't finished!" And it goes on and on and on and on. It's so frustrating when you don't even know why they are so mad or when they will subside.

I want to be strong and am struggling as well : (

[Chosen]

Yesterday morning he was still in a foul mood, but because I wasn't feeling 100% (when relating it to him, I dramatised my situation *a bit*), I just kept on saying "I'm unwell, cannot talk, cannot talk!"  Then he sulked and ignored me when I left for work... . but half a day later he's at a better place emotionally, as I can tell from his phone calls to me.

Physical boundaries-wise, if he's raging when I'm already at home it's harder, but if he's already in a foul mood I will (and have) physically not went home until the situation is a bit better.  I used to be unable to do that as well, so I guess... . already an improvement?

Since physically leaving triggers his abandonment fears big time, C suggested that in extremely tense situations, just keep exclaiming I'm having discomrt (tummy pain, whatever) and say I need to go an emergency room.  Even if he comes along, it's fine, as it's a public place.

[waverider]

Physically leaving for prolonged periods doesn't need to be enacted, just needs to be available and for him to know you have the option.

It is what defines the fact that you choose to be with him and should not be taken for granted, as that choice can be revoked.

[jedicloak]

Again waverider is correct. If you don't have freedom, then you don't have the choice to love and if you don't have the choice to love, it isn't freedom. Fear (fear of abandonment, fear of abuse, fear of whatever) will squelch any chance of love remaining in your r/s. Keep taking care of you because YOU matter!