Another Son of a uBPDm With Questions

[Ker2See]

I stumbled across this forum in search of information on BPD. I'm a 40-something son of a 60-something mother who exhibits nearly all of the characteristics of BPD. I also have a 40-something sister. Both of us have children and both of us have struggled with a number of things related to our mother. Our parents have been married 40+ years and are still together - miraculously. It's only been in the last few years that we have learned about BPD and strongly suspected that BPD to be the "smoking gun" of sorts. In addition, our mother exhibits many of the signs of strong narcissism, which compounds the BPD in profound ways.

I've spent quite a bit of time reading through the accounts here of others enduring the life with a BPD mother. All I can say is ditto, ditto, ditto, ditto. In short, my sister lives across the country and several years ago decided to completely distance herself from our parents (specifically due to our mother). I, on the other hand, live very close geographically and have enjoyed a great relationship with my father, while tolerating my mother's BPD behaviors... . sometimes at the expense of exposing my children (adults now) to her BPD behavior.

Recently (January), after one of my mother's irrational responses to a family situation, I decided I'd had enough. I haven't hardly spoken with my mother since. On one hand, I feel a certain element of peaceful relief. On the other, a tinge of guilt, but more concern about my mother's mental health. What complicates this is that I have also sacrificed a wonderful relationship I had with my father... . which is, in part, what has prompted me to address this forum today. A question for the group:

How does one deal with an enabling spouse (Dad) of someone with BPD? All my life my father has defended and excused my mother's actions as "that's just the way your mom is" or "you know how emotional your mom is." Also, my mom has a way of spinning every irrational response to him to get him on "her side." And he buys into it.

My sister has broached the subject with them about BPD (I haven't yet), and both my parents have essentially denied that it is even a possibility. So, our challenge, should we attempt to address this, is that we need to convince them BOTH that there are behavioral issues here that my mother needs to address before we can begin to consider continuing a relationship.

Unfortunately, much damage has been done along the way. None of my children, after seeing the results of her behavior, have a desire to have much more than a superficial relationship with her... . I can't say that I blame them.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks.

K2S

[Clearmind]

Its likely Dad is an enabler and co-dependent so yes he will defend Mom - its hard to witness it I agree.

Have you tried to set boundaries with them both. Are they aware/at least Dad aware of why your communication has waned?

[NervousGuy]

How does one deal with an enabling spouse (Dad) of someone with BPD? All my life my father has defended and excused my mother's actions as "that's just the way your mom is" or "you know how emotional your mom is." Also, my mom has a way of spinning every irrational response to him to get him on "her side." And he buys into it.

My sister has broached the subject with them about BPD (I haven't yet), and both my parents have essentially denied that it is even a possibility. So, our challenge, should we attempt to address this, is that we need to convince them BOTH that there are behavioral issues here that my mother needs to address before we can begin to consider continuing a relationship.

Hi K2S! I'm in the same position you're in (although I still live at home since I'm just starting out in the real world) and I know how hard it is to try and not have your dad get in the crossfire between your mom's issues and yourself. First of all, like previously stated, your dad is probably codependent and an enabler, and that's a condition in of itself. Sometimes I wonder if my dad has a masochistic streak because of how he submits to such psychological abuse, but for your case you're not likely to convince your dad to "your side".

If your dad has tolerated your mom's dysfunctional aspects for this long, then odds are he's never going to stand up to her. I know because I used to get so angry for my dad's split loyalties and kept expecting one day that he'd just snap out of it, but he always has some excuse, "that's how all women are" whenever something outrageous happened. At least for me, my dad is a type A personality who always needs to work, and mom's dysfunctional behavior gives him crises to always have work to do (despite it killing him slowly with stress).

I'd talk to your dad privately and explain that you very much want him to be a part of your life, but for that to happen he can't be a conduit for your mom to try and dig her hooks into you. Does your dad have a cellphone of his own? When I was away at college I stopped bothering with calling the house because I didn't want to deal with my mother or have her clumsily eavesdrop on my conversations with my sister and dad. That generally worked for me, but he did start to cave in on my mom and became her messenger, and I showed him I meant it by not calling him for a few weeks.

Obviously if you want to schedule face to face interaction, that's more difficult. However, for me I have always told my dad that I love him and want to keep him in my life, but that I cannot tolerate having my mom sabotage me. You have a family of your own, and that's even more important. Adult children have no obligations to their parents anymore, so put it as saying that as much as you love him and want him to be around, as the head of your own household you won't tolerate letting him be a gateway for negative influences to harm your family. That's what I'd say if I was married and had kids.

[isshebpd]

How does one deal with an enabling spouse (Dad) of someone with BPD?

How is the relationship between your parents? Is your Dad emotionally abused by your uBPDmom? As in, does she unleash her wrath on him?

In my case, things finally seem to be improving with my uBPDmom in the last year or so. Before that, I thought my parents were heading towards divorce. For the first time in their marriage, my enDad was standing up for himself and snapping back at my uBPDmom.

Rather than separating or divorcing, they actually worked it out somehow. I suspect they may have had counselling, because lately my uBPDmom's BPD traits are less severe than they used to be. I still have a hard time breaking enDad away from uBPDmom to talk to him, though.

Sadly, I never had a proper father-son relationship with my enDad. I've tried to talk to him, to develop some sort of rapport, but he is still so emotionally constricted after all those decades with my uBPDmom. However, he is helpful if I need advice on my car or similar things.

[NervousGuy]

How does one deal with an enabling spouse (Dad) of someone with BPD?

How is the relationship between your parents? Is your Dad emotionally abused by your uBPDmom? As in, does she unleash her wrath on him?

In my case, things finally seem to be improving with my uBPDmom in the last year or so. Before that, I thought my parents were heading towards divorce. For the first time in their marriage, my enDad was standing up for himself and snapping back at my uBPDmom.

Rather than separating or divorcing, they actually worked it out somehow. I suspect they may have had counselling, because lately my uBPDmom's BPD traits are less severe than they used to be. I still have a hard time breaking enDad away from uBPDmom to talk to him, though.

Sadly, I never had a proper father-son relationship with my enDad. I've tried to talk to him, to develop some sort of rapport, but he is still so emotionally constricted after all those decades with my uBPDmom. However, he is helpful if I need advice on my car or similar things.

My mom is extremely emotionally abusive to my dad. She always vents on him, about how he's cheap, stupid, "a loser", has bad judgment and fashion sense. She pejoratively talks about how she had to "train him", which while may have been based on some truth is still an incredibly offensive way to talk about somebody. If the roles were reversed my mom would get militant about how that's "misogny" or "chauvinist", but that's the double standard.

She rages at him, in fact she did it last weekend, crying and screaming at him over some incident that happened in the 1970s that he doesn't even remember and how he "always was embarrassed of her" and how she could have done better with some guy who went to law school. I tried to call to his attention how dysfunctional that was, but his response is "all women are like that." or "every woman I known knows how to hold a grudge". Maybe he's just been with the wrong type of woman, you think.    She threatens to divorce him so much that it's lost any meaning to him.

Your dad seems better off than mine, because he just accepts it. I try to talk to my dad about it, but he's been raised to not address things like that and says, "I don't dwell on things, the past is the past." My dad is also emotionally distant as well, I know he loves me and he tries, but he has this sense where he has kind of a veil where whatever he's thinking or feeling is hidden from everyone. I always felt like it was just because his father died prematurely when he was a boy, but I guess there's more to it than that.

[mcdoogle]

Arg. I have a similar problem. I'm considering NC or LC unless my mom goes to therapy but as she is undiagnosed, it's just that much harder. I may have an "in" though as my grandmother is BPD so my mom (and dad) know about it all too well.

My plan is to talk to my dad privately. Rather than "intervention" style, I want to just plant the seed in his head and discuss it little by little. I actually think my dad isn't quite an enabler. He amazingly doesn't let a lot of my mom's behavior affect him. I had thought about "family therapy" - I think my mom needs personal care but then sessions with her and me, her and my dad, etc. But I'm not sure my dad would be up for that. But it's a thought for you family - your dad may need it just as much as your mom by now.

Can you talk to your dad alone about it? I know that hiding things from a pwBPD can backfire but since she has already been introduced to the idea, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she did find out you had spoken to him.

[stellaris]

Your dad is and enabler.  And what he's enabling is her abusive behaviours towards you and your children.

It's no doubt very hard to be married to a BPD.  My aunt describes the gradual erosion of the wonderful and capable person my father used to be into the beaten and (usually) passive enabler he became.  For a long, long time I held him blameless in our family dynamic - until I realized that in fact he had utterly failed to do what a father is supposed to do, which is protect his children.  He was a trained child psychologist, he had a great family support network, he was smart, determined, successful at everything he did.  He used none of those resources to help him protect my sister and I.  He fought on his own, for a while, and then he gave up.  And then he slipped over the line into abusive.  He let her cut his balls off, and then took out his anger at that on me.

Bottom line, it isn't entirely up to you to maintain your relationship with your dad, it's also up to him.  If he values you and respects himself then he'll take steps to stay in your life.  If not - well - does he deserve to have you?

[jase]

We're similar in many ways as I am a 40-something son of a uBPD mom, and I have a 30-something sister.  My father, however, divorced my mother when we were college age and never looked back.  He's certainly no enabler.

My mother remarried her best friend's widower, and she treats him horribly - she belittles him and shrieks and rants at him constantly.  He totally enables her and is horribly beaten down - his children all live in the same area, my mother has driven them away, and he has grandchildren he has never met.  I don't think he realizes he sold his soul to the devil herself.

He's a dear man, but I always maintain he has terrible taste in women - his first wife died of alcoholism and was likely BPD herself, and then my mother.  I don't think he'll ever get away from her, and as much as I hate to say it, he may have some peace once she is gone (odds are she'll go first).  I would keep in touch with him more, but I'm on strict LC with my mother right now and that makes it very difficult.