Am I ready for this round?

[Foreverhopefull]

Lately I've noticed that my dBPDh is slipping again, he is very unstable mood wise and very anxious, so he adds alcohol to his meds to "boost" them (he really doesn't want to understand that the alcohol makes is "weak", because of the booze, he get's more anxious and moody, so he ups the booze. Right now it's a daily thing.

Add to the stress of him being so off the wagon we can't see it anymore, I am totally stressed out at work (between having tons of changes on how I do my work, we are moving into extremely different accommodations... . we lose more than half of the office space we currently have, so the moral is about 6 feet under the subterranean garage) and now my parents are requesting my help financially with their business and home, I shouldn't forget to add that I also take care of my grandfather about 3-4 days a week.

I also can't forget that I'm currently painted black because I have a family thing on saturday, which is our wedding anniversary... . why would I plan something that day?... . well, out of 11 anniversaries, we celebrated 1 and he acknowledged 2. All of a sudden, he wants to go to the movies right in the middle of the family thing... . and sunday isn't a good day... .

All I've been thinking about is leaving my life behind and just go anywhere away from them all.  :'( I feel so pulled in all directions it's sucking up every ounce of my energy. I've had migraines for almost two weeks, I'm constantly nauseous, I'm exhausted but I can't sleep at night.

I know I'm not ready for this round... . would it be so bad if I run away for a few days... . even just a few hours?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Foreverhopefull,

Boy do you sound like I did about a year ago.  Between my own natural inclination and just the natural ebb and flow of life I was burning the candle at both ends and several places in the middle.   

I am the responsible one, the helper, the fixer.  I will spend my energy like pouring water out of a bucket and hardly ever stop and to recharge my batteries.   Its a very bad habit and I struggle with it all the time.   

I understood logically that it was okay to say No to events, and things,  my problem wasn't saying No it was handling the conflict that came up when I said No.  I am still quite poor at that.  Gawd forbid somebody in my life would be upset at me. 

My thought here is that if you are playing around in your head with ideas of running away, going to a cabin in the woods, a mountain in Tibet, then your wise mind is trying to tell you something. 

If your body is experiencing migraines and nausea and sleep disruptions than your body is trying to tell you something.  It needs a break.   

It's been my experience, and this is great wisdom through painful experience,  eventually your body will get what it wants.  It will eventually force you to slow down.

Stopping and taking a few days for yourself, is respectful of yourself and your boundaries. 

I encourage you to make serious plans for a vacation for yourself.

BabyDucks

[waverider]

I know I'm not ready for this round... . would it be so bad if I run away for a few days... . even just a few hours?

TBH no it would not be so bad. Thats not being flippant either. You are surrounded by needy people whether they have real reasons or not. Filling those needs on demand, will validate the neediness. Hence the neediness becomes the accepted norm.

Time out is the circuit breaker.

You are stuck in the FOG (Fear, Obligation,Guilt) your needs and rights are on the back burner. This breeds resentment, by perceived martyr behavior. Resentment is the cancer of relationships. It infects everything until something fails.

Keep in mind if you are painted black, then that is through someone else's perception, that is their problem. If it is through the eyes of a dysfunctional mind then it should carry little weight. Your own sense of self should override that, so it doesn't have to be "your stuff" unless you doubt yourself.

Sometimes a big time out for yourself is needed to remind you of what really is your stuff, and what isn't.

[arabella]

Take a break. 'Run away' for a bit. Seriously, actually do it. Why? Because the others here are right - your body will force you to take that time out one way or another. You can listen to it now and take a short, controlled, break - or you can keep pushing and wait until you collapse and then try to deal with the emergency imposed break that will be significantly longer (and much less convenient).

You can not be all things to all people. I know how hard it is to say 'no' (believe me, I know!) but you need to learn, both for your own sake and for theirs.

[Rockylove]

Take a break. 'Run away' for a bit. Seriously, actually do it. Why? Because the others here are right - your body will force you to take that time out one way or another. You can listen to it now and take a short, controlled, break - or you can keep pushing and wait until you collapse and then try to deal with the emergency imposed break that will be significantly longer (and much less convenient).

You can not be all things to all people. I know how hard it is to say 'no' (believe me, I know!) but you need to learn, both for your own sake and for theirs.

DITTO!  I know that I need down time to regroup and recoup!  An hour or so a day~~15 minutes of meditation~~a day in a museum~~even getting out in my garden and feeling the earth helps me recharge my batteries.  It's all about keeping myself from being overwhelmed which is when things tend to crumble. 

[waverider]

Spent the whole of yesterday dawn to dusk floating around a lake in my kayak with two fishing rods, jar or worms and a box of lures. Out of mobile range... . best time out ever. Came back to a mess, but I felt far more relaxed to deal with it... .

Did'nt catch anything, but that wasn't the point

[Foreverhopefull]

I got home friday, from a freaky week at work and a day from hell. I was thinking that if the evening is not peaceful, I will leave and not tell anyone where I'm at. I get home and dBPDh is waiting for me. He finally agreed to change the beds around (got the new bed about 4 weeks ago), so we did it. It went well.

Saturday was our wedding anniversary, he tells me that after 19 years together, I deserved a day off... . that's after he noticed I fell asleep on the couch about 20 min after waking up. So he let me sleep all day, He would wake me up to eat and that's it. It felt amazing!

Sunday I felt so refreshed. We ended up doing yard work and other little things at home, then I left. I went to visit my parents, did the groceries and then prepared myself healthy meals for the week. I felt more stable, more ready to handle little drama.

I'm vowing to myself to eat right, get enough sleep, exercise for me to be more stable and that this is not taking anything away from anyone or anything, it's making me better all around. So I'm ready Life for everything you have in mind for me.

[allibaba]

I have noticed that my uBPDh is super aware of how I perceive myself (he's emotionally hypersensitive) and he feeds into it.  If I treat myself like I deserve breaks and like I am a person who deserves all the good that the world has to offer... . then my uBPDh does too.  He helps out... . he is kind. The minute that I start feeling like a martyr and don't take care of myself - he's right there to help me out by verbally beheading me.   

So even though I can't control his behavior... . my behavior does influence his.  Strange little paradox - isn't it.

The one time that our relationship doesn't follow this pattern is if something outside is stressing him out.  Then all bets are off and he will attempt to take it out on me.  So I have to take care of myself and get ready to walk away when he's stressed.  If I am strong then the tirades don't last as long and I am better equipped to handle them. 

[waverider]

I have noticed that my uBPDh is super aware of how I perceive myself (he's emotionally hypersensitive) and he feeds into it.  If I treat myself like I deserve breaks and like I am a person who deserves all the good that the world has to offer... . then my uBPDh does too.  He helps out... . he is kind. The minute that I start feeling like a martyr and don't take care of myself - he's right there to help me out by verbally beheading me.   

So even though I can't control his behavior... . my behavior does influence his.  Strange little paradox - isn't it.

The one time that our relationship doesn't follow this pattern is if something outside is stressing him out.  Then all bets are off and he will attempt to take it out on me.  So I have to take care of myself and get ready to walk away when he's stressed.  If I am strong then the tirades don't last as long and I am better equipped to handle them. 

The cycle of reaction and projection on a micro level is a big factor in the BPD RS. This is part of why you fell for them in the first place, they fed your insecurities, you were grateful and appreciative, which in turn provides them with the validation they seek. Starts off as a two way rapid validating RS. This is why you go from zero to total bond quickly.

Equally, to cut the destructive cycles in the deteriorating RS you need to address this projection and reaction on your part of the cycle. We all do it, but find it hard to recognize. Once you have labelled your partner as "defective" it becomes even easier to put all the blame on them, absolving yourself of responsibility.

So yes always keep a check on what YOU are projecting, as it can be mirrored and that may be the first you are aware of it. They can sense your mood before you do at times.

[blurry]

 Not exactly on topic, but its funny you're referring it to a "round". I just recently started thinking about my r/s with my exgfexfianceecurrentfriendupwBPD in terms of "rounds". We just started round 6 of what I'm wondering is gonna be a modern day 12 rounder, or a 15 rounder like boxing used to be, or if were gonna go really old school and have one of those matches that can last indefinitely... . what a sad way of thinking on my part, the erratic heartbeat I've been having since early April over this will probably bring it to an abrupt end sooner or later. On a bright note, I'm committed to staying sober right now, mainly for my own well-being but also to reduce the chances of me creating or letting any drama get too serious this "round".