a trigger that set off a MAJOR change...

[byfaith]

my wife was asking me questions about my ex wife and I sat and tried to answer the best I could without feeling like the questions were going to cause some kind of "issue". When that questioning was done my wife began asking me about an issue I had about 8 years ago. To make this short, I had liked a woman who had cut my hair. This woman (who cut my hair) did not know this. I never said anything did anything etc. to suggest this. Yet in my heart I felt horrible that I had these feelings of attraction. They were mainly attractions of personality. My uBPDw found out about this from an email I had sent my ex wife before I met my uBPDw. It was so buried I forgot to delete the email.

My uBPD wife knew about this before we got married. I hope that all made some sense. God forgave me for the guilt I felt back then. Anyway my uBPDw asked me "so why were you attracted to this person?" I answered. Then then the final question was did you ever picture yourself having sex with this woman. stupid me being honest said yes.  since that night of question and answer my position as a wonderful husband has degraded. The marriage has not been the same since. As long as I am what she needs me to be and I do what she wants for her emotionally I am ok. One misstep and I am worthless. She asks me to read the bible with her but when anything is read that deals with adultery she walks out of the room. She says I am a cheater. She told me the other day that she doesn't feel safe with me any longer. My  uBPDw had been married 5 previous times and she had been with numerous men in between. In her mind I am a cheater and I will think about other women while I am with her. I called her today just to say hello and I nicely said to her " you used to tell me you missed me during the day" she said right now I just need you to be my friend and show me love and support. I understand that. I feel like the love she had for me will never return like it was before this thought of me was planted in her mind. I guess this is what is called devaluation? I am just trying to deal with this in my mind and heart. The intimacy is no longer there. She doesn't even like to hold my hand anymore. I am hurting as much as she is. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[whatshappening]

I had a situation where I had to help my brother the day after my UBPDw broke her toe and she was pregnant. In general, she had always been fine with whatever and self sufficient, and she was generally fine after the toe. She said don't go and I went anyway. Since then, she said she cannot trust me to protect her. Recently we went to a family dinner and my brother took the leftovers. I let it go because I did not want to drag them back to my car which was much further away than his, but my W, was furious, that I didn't stick up for our family. I know my brother is like this and I usually get my fair share of things otherwise so no big deal in my mind. My w sees it differently and is theoretically ready to divorce me over this issue alone, though I am a Great father, caring and supportive husband and provider. Doesn't make sense to me. I suggest you don't take it as seriously as she did. You did nothing wrong, and probably what she does all of the time, which is why she is so afraid of it. I once had a girlfriend do this to me after I told her about sleeping with a girl of a different race. Their problems should not be yours. Learn all you can about this and I suggest meditation as a way to cope while you decide whether to stay or go.

[Chosen]

Hi DRB63, and welcome to bpdfamily.com 

I am hurting as much as she is. 

I think this is her exact desired outcome.  Your wife is hurt, she doesn't know how to express it, she wants to hurt you so you feel as poorly as she does.  I'm not saying you shouldn't feel hurt, and of course you do, but please know it's normal.

You said you liked the woman before you met your uBPDw?  Is she fully aware of that?   Then I suppose logically speaking, it's something in the past.  If she brings it up, then assure her it's her you love, that was in the past and you have no feelings for her, and you hope she will be able to leave this is in the past.

We cannot go back to change the past.  If they want to keep bringing the past up, it's up to them, but there is little you can do besides reassurance.

[byfaith]

Thank you for you're responses. I guess in my uBPDw's mind if I had this attraction to a woman while I was married to my previous wife, she thinks I will do it again. It just got really ugly the stuff she said to me but I just rode the storm of the emotions out and I think now after almost a month 1/2 things are settling back down as far as that goes. (I hope). The more I find out about how my wife was treated as a young teenage girl and into her adult years by her own male family members I can see where this came from (her view of men) when she idealized me everything was great but when she found that out about me I was a low life that fit into the category as all other men that have mistreated her. Here is an example of how intense it can be. We watch the Andy Griffith show almost every night. She grew up wishing she had a father like him. We can be sitting there watching a show where Andy gets himself tangled up with another woman innocently, he will start lying to get himself out of the situation and my wife will "get angry" while watching these episodes. Thank you for your replies

[garthaz]

Then then the final question was did you ever picture yourself having sex with this woman. stupid me being honest said yes. 

Your wife's reaction is way "Out There"

I have had a few major change episode, and typically she will recover, but then I am in for a lifetime of "Reminders" and of course a memory enhancement of the event each time.

If it makes you feel any better, you are in fact "Normal." Every man thinks these types of thoughts, but you are not "Bad" until you act on them.

If I was judged on my thoughts, I would be dead. I have pictured myself having sex with my wife's cousins, sister and any good looking friends of hers.

[Chosen]

As a female "non", you know what, my H sometimes asks me whether I think of certain goodlooking people "in that way".  I honestly don't.  And then he told me to stop lying.  He doesn't believe me because it doesn't fit in his expectation of me... .

garthaz is right, sometime when major triggers are not dealt with, the pwBPD brings it up again and again (their ability to recycle these episodes are probably the reason why they have BPD... . ).  I'm stuck in a similar kind of rut too... .

[garthaz]

You are in a no-win situation or self fulling trigger on her part. Lets say the OP decided to lie and not admit to his thoughts. He may have been fine, or she might have accused him of lying.

That is why that title of the book is so telling. You are "Walking on Eggshells." You are always guessing. I typically just deny and deny until she starts and hounds me with the "You are lying." Sometimes I will just stop denying and she will eventually drop it. Sometimes I will "Confess" and then she will be fine. Or sometimes the confession blows up in my face because I have been lying and I confessed to some misdeed.

Even worse, you are innocent and never confess. A year or so later, she remembers the incident as if you were caught red handed and confessed.

[byfaith]

it's like there is no forgiveness for these thoughts that I had and she never admits to any of her past promiscuity as equally as bad of acts that she actually committed. I don't hold those against her but at times I have tried to show her how she was unfairly judging me for "thoughts" and she wasn't seeing her actions as being just as wrong. Because she wasn't committing adultery she was not wrong. She says in my mind I was committing adultery which she says is the same thing as committing the act. My uBPDw was married 5 previous times. Before I married her I took into account each situation and what the cause was. This was before I took into account what she may be suffering with. Anyway 5 previous marriages and partners in between those marriages isn't as wrong to her as me having thoughts about another woman while I was married to my ex wife. She basically told my that because I never confessed this to my ex wife that I got away with it. Granted these these thoughts were not just passing, they bothered me bad and I confessed the to God and got it right and quit going back to get my hair cut from this woman. But I never said anything to this woman that insinuated the wrong intentions. I am a christian that believes the Bible and my uBPDw says she is a christian that believes the Bible. That's why all of this unforgiveness bothers me so much. She can say all these vile things to me but NEVER apologizes.

She will apologize at times for not being what she wants to be but never specifically says "Im sorry" for calling you this or that. Is this a trait of pwBPD?

[whatshappening]

I would say yes, that can be a mark of a pwBPD. My wife also has the same. Vile, angry, blaming and accusations for nothing. Things like not cleaning as well or as fast as her, even though I still clean and do it very well. I just take a little longer because I pay attention to my kids in the mean time and feel like I can clean a dish after they are asleep, as opposed to when they want some of my time while they are still up. She will always choose getting chores done first, over time with the kids and I think she prefers it. I don't think she has any right to get angry at me as long as I get the job done eventually.

Anyway, back to you. It is disgusting what you have to deal with. Learn and follow the lessons here. They really work when consciously applied. Then decide if its worth hanging around for. I have young kids so I feel like leaving is not an option at the moment. And I may have said it before, but take some time for yourself (meditation, praying, whatever gives you a mental break). And I would say don't let her make you question yourself too much. Sometimes they have points and oftentimes they don't. This case she has the right to feel that way, but you did it all right. Nothing to apologize for and nothing to fear karmically. Continue living in the right way and you will never be able to be taken down by her.

Know you are not alone if that helps... .

[moonunit]

Been there, done that, living that right now. I get accused of all sorts of "bad/cruel" things, even the most innocent of things she will distort and flip out on me, i know how draining and tiring that can be. You are normal, you are doing things the right way, she has an illness, she cannot control herself or her thoughts, they are deep routed and only a trained therapist can deal with her inner demons. More times than not, their problems are left for us to deal with and unfortunately we are not prepared or knowledgable enough to deal with, for me i try to use logic that i have been taught over many years. This does not work very well someone who is mentally sick, i know this doesn't help much but know your are not alone, we all struggle with these types of issues.     

[Wishful thinking]

Sounds all to familiar.

Best thing at this stage is to learn about the things this websites teaches. 

There was a switch that took place during a specific time last year. There were rumors that one nasty woman was running around with about me. It came to my ears and i was disgusted. She claimed I had an affair with some dude. My h with BPD is my first husband and I am a christian. I never had feelings for any man but him. I was so disgusted and came running to my husband for support and protection. Biggest mistake ever. Since then he has never been the same again. He actually believed it. That i actually did have an affair.

I was hurt and disappointed. And through our 2 years of marriage i have come to realise that i can never truly be honest with him. I can never say-it-like-it-is. Somehow i have to learn to keep the majority of things to myself.

I used to crucify myself for being this ugly person that he said i was. The name calling is bad. The accusations are bad. He used to ask me questions and i would answer honestly. Looking back it was a Big mistake.

We went and am still going through these roller coasters on a regular basis.

My conclusion as to what Ive read on this board. When the idealizing ends. They shift between idealizing and devaluing. My h has not returned since.

And if you havent yet, you will learn that there is nothing wrong with you. You are normal.

[byfaith]

wishful thinking, when you say he has not returned since, do you mean he has not come back to idealizing? I'm trying to understand where my wife is and if she will ever view me the way she used to, even though I have done no wrong to her in this matter she is accusing me of.

[Wishful thinking]

@DRB

Yes. I only came to understand thru this website that that is what happens. It (when he treated me like a queen) lasted for a good couple of months then this thing happens (about affair) and he was never really the same again. He fluctuates between devaluing and idealizing often. But idealizing is much less than before.

[byfaith]

@wishfulthinking some posts speak of pwBPD going into rages. My wife just gets real hateful and calls me horrible names and says stuff to degrade me, does your H ever say he is sorry for the things he says? I really struggle with that fact I get called all this stuff and then there are no apologies (ever that I can think of) over the name calling and hateful behavior. I never ask her to apologize but it eats on me on the inside

[Wishful thinking]

@DRB

I know its difficult and I certainly havent mastered this part yet... . but I have come to learn that one should not take the name calling too personal. But needless to say it is harsh and mean and undeserving in my opinion. Really sorry that you too have to go through this.

He would say sorry afterwards only when he believed he was in the wrong (so i thought)He confessed to me before, that he says he's sorry not because he thinks he is wrong but because he wants me to talk to him or look less hurt. He informed me that he is unable to feel any sense of remorse. He never asks forgiveness though. We are both Christians.

The first year in our marriage I used to think something was wrong with me. I tried hard to be the perfect person. To give and buy him what he wants. Even this year. Ive only realized a week or so ago that my self image and self esteem is no longer in existance and until this website helped me to understand where it comes from am I now slowly starting to change myself and pursue my own dreams. With or without him.

[Wishful thinking]

Plus my BPDh also doesnt go into rages.

He doesnt physically abuse me etc. he doesnt go violent even. Nor does he throw things around etc when he is angry.

He is a kind and loving man until i say or do something that flips the switch inside of him. He would say the nastiest things to me. Name calling. So much so that it would allow me to question myself. My identity etc. Usually afterwards he would go all quiet on me for a couple of days trying to solve the issues in his head. This is where he makes me feel like he is the victim and Im the perpetrator. Im always the bad one.

[byfaith]

That is where I get nervous to bring anything up that could cause another episode of name calling or the days of ignoring. A month and 1/2 ago she told me I'm not cutting your hair any longer (the woman I was attracted to cut my hair. mind you it was 8 years ago, I was married to my ex wife at the time and I never did anything. The woman probably didn't even know I was attracted to her) anyway now my wife knows I need a haircut. If I go get it cut by a barber she will throw a fit and get mad but I pointed out the other day my hair was getting long and she just kind of grinned and said yeah its getting long. So if I ask her to cut it I'm gonna get crap and if I go to a male barber Im gonna get crap. I know that whole thing sounds weird. I never in a million years would have believed I would be in a situation like this. This scenario is only the tip of the iceberg

[yeeter]

Hugs DR



I lived this. a complete over reaction.  The thing was, I let her suck me into the guilt and betrayal (that she very well may have felt), and tried to recover by doing ALL KInDS of stupid things at her request

It destroyed me. And nothing was ever enough. Plus, I'm sure it made her feel good and reinforced her behavior.

I can strongly advise:  don't do it

Stay confident in yourself and your own behavior. If being honest is wrong, then it's a bad relationship to be in

It's a sign that no, you can't trust her with your honesty.  Better to know now than later. Stand tall. Take the high road.  If she decides to self implode over it let her... . It's 'her' stuff to work through not yours.  If she can't. ... . Then time

To move on

Maybe a little harsh but having lived it, it's still a trigger for me and I don't like seeing others put through the same ringer

[Mian]

I can relate to your situation. I have always been very open towards my partner about my past, it is my past and it is part of me. However, now it seems he uses my past to attack me. Some of my past was very hurtful and I told him about this because I trusted him. He is in a bad place at the moment and is going out of his way trying to hurt me. I do not respond to his text messages or phone messages. However, I do read them and it is obvious he is trying to hurt me as deeply as he can. Because this has happened many times before, it is actually not hurting me as much anymore. It does however make me wonder what I can tell him and what not. And that is, I think, unhealthy in a relationship. You should be able to tell one another things about your past. My life has been an open book for him but now I wish I didn't tell him certain things. I am not ashamed of anything but he seems to want me to feel bad. Another BPD trait?