revenge fantasy

[Depression = 72% of members]

One of my only points of pride, as it relates to my conduct in the relationship with ex-BPDgf, is that I didn't exact any revenge vis-a-vis her family, her friends, her profession. In fact, I've never spoken ill of her to anyone.  And now, 9 months out (with only 2 very brief contacts), I must say I'm glad that I have behaved thus, and I know that I will bar revenge going forward as well.

And yet, when I read about the frustations and angers of others, I must admit that I completely understand their anger, and empathize with their revenge fantasies.  I have always felt one of the greatest injustice about this 'disorder,' is that they seemingly get away scott-free with inexplicably awful behavior. You read unbelievable story after unbelievable story on this board (which DOES help) about damage caused, sheer terror, by these people. And we are constantly reminded that we are equally culpable because we are emotionally immature with poor boundaries, and therefore invite abuse.

I still don't know that I buy that. I was 36 years old before I met this person, and had never had a malignant or abusive relationship in my life. I had been through breakups before, and while they hurt, I always wanted the best for the other party (after all, this was someone who had loved me for a while... . why wouldn't I want them to be happy). In every other capacity of my life, I was and am successful. 

I simply knew nothing about BPD traits.  So after I'd fallen in love with my ex, I was unable to grasp her sudden emotional lability.  But I wanted to help her. And I believed all of her tales of woe about prior abuse... . why in the word would anyone lie about that sort of thing?  And when she raged, I imagined she was transferring childhood trauma onto me, and that I'd be able to help her get through them. And when she cheated, I imagined it was a one time mistake. Etc, etc, etc... . again, I loved her.

But she didn't love; she mirrored, and used, and abused.  And then she destroyed.  Seemingly for fun. Because she couldn't get what she wanted.  She painted me black, and maligned me to everyone that would listen to her. She accused me of sexual harrassment, and had me suspended (after a lengthy investigation, I was reinstated, and she was fired).  She even spoke poorly of my children. She claimed I was an abusive alcoholic to her current boyfriend and his friends.

I know unambiguously that if I reminded her that I never hurt her in that way, she would answer "That's because you don't have th b#lls... . you're a coward."

And yep... . that makes me want to take the gloves off. Suck her back in and destroy all of her current relationships. Leave her in a puddle of tears and walk away.

I don't believe in karma, per se. As '2010' (who is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant) reminded us , if karma existed, then what was our prior crime for receiving this nastiness. So waiting for karma to come around is nonsense.

They know good from bad, right from wrong... . they deserve retribution for their crimes. 

But again, I walked away.  Just feel like a punk sometimes for doing it.   

[johnnyonthespot]

One of my only points of pride, as it relates to my conduct in the relationship with ex-BPDgf, is that I didn't exact any revenge vis-a-vis her family, her friends, her profession. In fact, I've never spoken ill of her to anyone.  And now, 9 months out (with only 2 very brief contacts), I must say I'm glad that I have behaved thus, and I know that I will bar revenge going forward as well.

And yet, when I read about the frustations and angers of others, I must admit that I completely understand their anger, and empathize with their revenge fantasies.  I have always felt one of the greatest injustice about this 'disorder,' is that they seemingly get away scott-free with inexplicably awful behavior. You read unbelievable story after unbelievable story on this board (which DOES help) about damage caused, sheer terror, by these people. And we are constantly reminded that we are equally culpable because we are emotionally immature with poor boundaries, and therefore invite abuse.

I still don't know that I buy that. I was 36 years old before I met this person, and had never had a malignant or abusive relationship in my life. I had been through breakups before, and while they hurt, I always wanted the best for the other party (after all, this was someone who had loved me for a while... . why wouldn't I want them to be happy). In every other capacity of my life, I was and am successful. 

I simply knew nothing about BPD traits.  So after I'd fallen in love with my ex, I was unable to grasp her sudden emotional lability.  But I wanted to help her. And I believed all of her tales of woe about prior abuse... . why in the word would anyone lie about that sort of thing?  And when she raged, I imagined she was transferring childhood trauma onto me, and that I'd be able to help her get through them. And when she cheated, I imagined it was a one time mistake. Etc, etc, etc... . again, I loved her.

But she didn't love; she mirrored, and used, and abused.  And then she destroyed.  Seemingly for fun. Because she couldn't get what she wanted.  She painted me black, and maligned me to everyone that would listen to her. She accused me of sexual harrassment, and had me suspended (after a lengthy investigation, I was reinstated, and she was fired).  She even spoke poorly of my children. She claimed I was an abusive alcoholic to her current boyfriend and his friends.

I know unambiguously that if I reminded her that I never hurt her in that way, she would answer "That's because you don't have th b#lls... . you're a coward."

And yep... . that makes me want to take the gloves off. Suck her back in and destroy all of her current relationships. Leave her in a puddle of tears and walk away.

I don't believe in karma, per se. As '2010' (who is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant) reminded us , if karma existed, then what was our prior crime for receiving this nastiness. So waiting for karma to come around is nonsense.

They know good from bad, right from wrong... . they deserve retribution for their crimes. 

But again, I walked away.  Just feel like a punk sometimes for doing it.   

[seeking balance]

Great post - honest and insightful.

But again, I walked away.  Just feel like a punk sometimes for doing it.   

Well, I think this comes down to our core values - how would you have felt if you did "act out" against her knowing everything you do about BPD?  Which feeling is more aligned with your core values - a punk or XXX?

Sometimes in life - we do have to pick the better of 2 not happy things - then we let go and keep moving forward. 

[jmc8899]

My ex wasn't as vicious as yours, but I still feel used.  On the surface, he has gotten away with his awful treatment of me scot-free... . is now dating the love of his life and still has his amazing job and amazing kid.   However, he is still trying to get under my skin.   I'm trying my best to move on and am not engaging with him.   He cried to a mutual friend about how I no longer wanted him and then also told the friend he was happy with his girlfriend.   If he was so happy, why does he care that I no longer want him?   Why does he show up at places where he knows I am hanging out?   If he is so happy, why doesn't he just let me go and get on with his life?

Because on the surface, the BPD has a great life but inside they have no sense of self and need external sources for validation.   They need to feel wanted.   They need attention.   

The best way to get revenge on your BPD ex is indifference.   Just walking away, which is what you did.  I'm still cordial with my ex but keep conversations short and don't pay him much mind.   If you scheme to get revenge, they will know you still care.   That's exactly what they want.   Don't give her the satisfaction.   

[Undone123]

they can get away with the awful treatment as far as I'm concerned... . I know my ex hates herself a million times more than I ever could, so save the energy. Literally the best punishment is being successful in your life I believe... . My life has turned around amazingly without her toxicity bringing me down. It's good for you as well, when I had no self esteem I just wanted her back! But moving on and doing well on your own, works wonders!

[slimmiller]

I don't believe in karma, per se. As '2010' (who is brilliant, brilliant, brilliant) reminded us , if karma existed, then what was our prior crime for receiving this nastiness. So waiting for karma to come around is nonsense.

They know good from bad, right from wrong... . they deserve retribution for their crimes. 

But again, I walked away.  Just feel like a punk sometimes for doing it.   

I differ on this thought. I already see Karma slowly and relentlessly working in my exBPDs life. Almost makes me sad at times but truthfully a complete crash in her life is probably the only reality check that she will even remotely notice

I know people say that Karma means we deserve what we get but my thought is that maybe instead its not the pain from it but rather what it molds us into. I have learned so much about myself after dealing with the absurdities of BPD, its mind boggling.

On a more philosophical note, why do those that hurt us not seem to be beholden to Karma? I think as long as they are in the act of hurting others, Karma keeps its distance. But maybe then Karma works in the after life. I dunno.

At any rate Kuddos for sticking to your values. BPDs do enough harm to themselves that we dont need to help them receive more pain.

[recoil]

Here's my take:

Mine came into my life to teach me something.  She also helped me rebound from the death of my wife.  The experience has caused me to do a lot of inner work.  Work that is making me better than ever before.  Work I didn't know I needed to do before my experience with her.

Now that I've had four months to digest things, I'm happy we're apart.  :)on't get me wrong, it still hurts and I still desire her from time to time, but the thought of living with three borderlines (her and her two kids) scares me, especially since my daughter would have to endure that environment and it's just not healthy long term.

Karma is coming though.  I was wronged, even though I choose to see the brighter side of things.  I know it's coming, without a shadow of a doubt.  I know what her ex (Father of the two kids) is going to do later this year.  I know about a couple of other ticking time bombs as well.  When all of those happen, and they will, she'll have a reason to be a victim.  And guess what?  I won't be there to save her.

They'll always be someone around to help her, I'm sure.  It won't be me though.

[GreenMango]

It's good you are giving this some thought.  You explained why really well.  Most of us can relate to the pride part.  Being angry is one thing - letting it lead you to make choices that could have serious negative ramifications on your life is another.

Keep looking out for you.  Make those solid decisions that help you along in a healthy way.

   

[tailspin]

Revenge fantasies are normal and productive as long as they don't consume us. 

Acting out these fantasies, however, is counterproductive to our healing because doing so taps into our own emotional immaturity, arrested emotional development, and in some cases, our own personality disorder.  Objectifying a person to the point where they are just a "thing" to hurt is a reflection of something much more serious going on below the surface.  It speaks to who we are and what we need to heal and has absolutely nothing to do with the person with whom we are seeking revenge. 

Revenge is hate based but the person who we really hate is ourselves.  We are essentially punishing ourselves by replaying a script that was inflicted upon us once upon a time.  In the end we will lose and this is exactly the point.  Revenge is for someone who doesn't believe they deserve to win.

tailspin

[johnnyonthespot]

Thank you, everyone, for your insights.

On the one hand, of course I realize that a lot of my anger is inwardly directed. And I know that I've learned, with the help of a great and challenging therapist, a lot about myself and my deficiencies.

But on the other hand, I think a desire for justice is pretty healthy. My ex-BPD lied, cheated, stole, abused, guilted, and smeared me. And from my superficial vantage point, she has escaped any retribution.  I'm certain she is completely guilt-free. I know this because she matter-of-factly maligned her ex-husband (assured me he was an abusive opioid addict) without the slightests pause or hedge. Turns out, he is a protective and decent family man who has a stellar reputation in the community and is surrounded by many close friends.  I was sucked into her story (again, why would anyone lie about such a thing?).

And now she's on to the next one with the exact same story about me. That still hurts everytime I think about it... . and it makes me angry. 

Finally, I read often about how these relationships ultimately have helped people become better. I suppose I remain in the minority about that (even 9 months out). I honestly wish that I had never met this person; that I could eliminate her completely from my cortex. Whenever I dream about her now, it is always a nightmare. Whenever I think about her, it is with anger or shame.

Am I painting her black in my mind? Perhaps. Again, I'll never do anything to hurt her... . but I won't wish her well either.

Thanks for reading.

[waitaminute]

Johnneyonthespot,

I walked away too. And contrary to getting revenge, I even helped her financially. But as should be expected, the hate and splitting don't differentiate between who's right and who's wrong. After 8 months, she still sends occasional hate mail.

Actually I would be afraid of seeking revenge. I've come to see that her capacity for hate is far greater than anyone else I have ever known personally. I just steer clear of the scorpion now.

[tailspin]

johnny,

It may appear she has escaped retribution but in reality she will never escape the endless emptiness, anxiety, pain, and distorted reality of her mental illness.  I consider this to be torture and punishment enough because no amount of revenge inflicted by us will ever hold a candle to what our ex's experience on a daily basis.

Those suffering BPD may appear to have it made because their emotional survival depends upon them believing this is true.  To do otherwise would be to paint themselves black and fall into the emotional abyss.

Having said that, I do understand the desire for justice. I have learned to focus on my own justice by letting go of wishing it upon others. 

tailspin

[Mr Bean]

Karma does exists but it takes times. I have seen a lot of karmas happened to people that have done bad things to me. I have fantasised about revenge so many times but never acted upon it. My only revenge was i did something to her fb. Its quite extreme. I know i shouldnt have done it. Now i might get a bad karma in the future. But thats before i learnt about BPD. If i had known about BPD, i wouldnt have bothered doing it.

Like these days i keep wondering why it takes a long time for karma to come to her. However letting it go and moving on are more important than waiting for karma to happen to someone.

[waitaminute]

Karma does exists but it takes times. I have seen a lot of karmas happened to people that have done bad things to me. I have fantasised about revenge so many times but never acted upon it. My only revenge was i did something to her fb. Its quite extreme. I know i shouldnt have done it. Now i might get a bad karma in the future. But thats before i learnt about BPD. If i had known about BPD, i wouldnt have bothered doing it.

Like these days i keep wondering why it takes a long time for karma to come to her. However letting it go and moving on are more important than waiting for karma to happen to someone.

You know BPD's project and say things about us Nons that is really true about themselves. Here too, my former BPD gf would do that. After I said goodbye, I read in her emails "let God punish you", "let karma punish you". Kinda ironic that during our relationship, I lost everything because I believed her lies. But when I said goodbye she was way better off than when we first met.