I feel so emotionally drained and beat down

[crankshaft25]

Here is my posting in the New Members section

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=201840.0

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Just got off the phone with my SO.  She was out doing groceries with our son.  Before they left my dad dropped our son off at our house as he has been spending mornings at their house because my SO is usually pretty sick in the mornings.

Well my dad decided to check the oil in her car because it'd been a while and it was down pretty good and needed oil.

She got upset at my dad and told him it was MY responsibility to check the oil in her car.  She then calls me and tells me that my parents are just enabling me and it's pointless and I'll never change. 

It's like she expects me to do everything, cooking, cleaning, laundry and fulltime work.

I'm not too sure how much more of this I can take.  I've taken a lot for the sake of our son but I think we'll still try the counceling but I will also be speaking with a lawyer about where I stand.

[babyducks]

Crankshaft25

It's not about the oil.  Which I am sure you already knew at some level.      The weird dichotomy between what was being said and what was actually happening always gave me whiplash.  Trying to make sense out of nonsense always gave me a headache.

It's projection.  Or in less technical terms,  she is taking what she feels about herself,  and putting it on you.  When she unloads her unpleasant emotions and fears on you she feels better about herself.  The classic "its not me its you" gambit.  pwBPD traits do this as a coping mechanism.  Seems to work for them and its fairly unpleasant for the person on the receiving end.

take the "you are being enabled, its pointless and you'll never change" comments and mentally turn them around and apply them to her.  That might take you  closer to what she is really feeling.

Take a couple of deep breaths.  Try to find something to do, even if it is only for five minutes to relax and be good to yourself.   Linger in the shower,   take a walk in the park with your son.   play a little baseball or basketball with him.   Understand this is not you, and you are not responsible for how she feels. 

Keep posting, keep reading.   Try to not engage in the rage and the emotional storms.   They aren't good for either of you.

Babyducks

[tuum est61]

Excellent analysis and advice from baby ducks.  The idea of one smalll step at a time - even the 5 minute sanity break - will get you on a path of looking after yourself - and as a result your son.  

[Mcgddss]

Thank you for sharing - I feel the exact same way and until this weekend had no idea what was going on in my life.  My H keeps expecting more and more of me and I just don't have it in me to do everything.  He then says I am not a good mother - the hurtful words are the worst because he knows just what to say.

[crankshaft25]

Thank you for sharing - I feel the exact same way and until this weekend had no idea what was going on in my life.  My H keeps expecting more and more of me and I just don't have it in me to do everything.  He then says I am not a good mother - the hurtful words are the worst because he knows just what to say.

Exactly, her words hurt me more than anything.  Especially since I have given everything of myself to her over the past 7 years and she wants to invalidate it all because I haven't given her a ring.  Although I try to show my love doing other things like trying to keep everything clean.  Until recently I thought it was just because she was tired because she was so sick.  Now I'm starting to think it's all because of possible BPD.  Speaking to other people that know friends/family that have crohns/colitis tell me that they are able to work and do other things without the help of marijuana.  I know that she is using this as self medication for how she feels inside but won't admit it.

If things don't go exactly how she wants things to in her mind is when she becomes unhappy or verbally abusive.  Thankfully she doesn't do this in front of our son.

Also I saw on her facebook that she added her stepmom as a friend,  This is the person who married her father and she'd said she didn't want anything to do with him because he doesn't want to admit to abusing her as a child.  This worries me a bit because this could be someplace she'd take our son to get away from me.  They are 5 hours away.

Also on Friday she was so mad at me over that oil thing  that she didn't want to talk because she'd end up arguing and didn't want to do that.  So she went to a softball game in the evening.  I checked my bank account and she'd gone to a store about 30 minutes away (kind of like a Target store for Americans).  Spent $50.  She told me this when she got home at 10pm but didn't tell me what she'd bought only that she'd pay me back.

Turns out I saw the bad and it was lingere, which I find weird since I got her expensive ones for V-Day.  She still hasn't mentioned what she bought.  Considering a month ago she didn't want to be intimate with me anymore this is fueling a feeling that she might want to do this with someone else. 

It's a bad thought but I'm keeping an eye on that bag and if it goes away and I can't find that stuff I may just need to confront her about it

[Nearlybroken]

It broke my heart to read your posts.Especially to read that you are now dealing with the insecurity of wondering whether she will be unfaithful.It really is a nightmare.I cannot offer you any advice as I deal with my pwBPD in all of the wrong ways.All I can say is that I can understand what you are going through.My partner disappeared a few weeks ago to "visit friends".he has mentioned a female friend who I know lives where he was visiting... . wouldn't tell me who he was with.After the visits she posted things on his FB (she had been strangely silent up until this point) which indicated that they had met up.I have now been removed from  his FB and appear to have been blocked by her.I asked him if he was seeing someone... . in a strange way I was hoping he would say yes.However he denied it... . but his previous behaviour has been so dishonest that I just don't know.Yet more bad feeling to add to all of the bad feeling that surrounds our relationship.Of course I was accused of being paranoid,controlling etc.Mind you I also found condoms hidden away (2 left in a pack of 3) which did nothing to allay my fears.You just cannot win with BPD.

[crankshaft25]

It broke my heart to read your posts.Especially to read that you are now dealing with the insecurity of wondering whether she will be unfaithful.It really is a nightmare.I cannot offer you any advice as I deal with my pwBPD in all of the wrong ways.All I can say is that I can understand what you are going through.My partner disappeared a few weeks ago to "visit friends".he has mentioned a female friend who I know lives where he was visiting... . wouldn't tell me who he was with.After the visits she posted things on his FB (she had been strangely silent up until this point) which indicated that they had met up.I have now been removed from  his FB and appear to have been blocked by her.I asked him if he was seeing someone... . in a strange way I was hoping he would say yes.However he denied it... . but his previous behaviour has been so dishonest that I just don't know.Yet more bad feeling to add to all of the bad feeling that surrounds our relationship.Of course I was accused of being paranoid,controlling etc.Mind you I also found condoms hidden away (2 left in a pack of 3) which did nothing to allay my fears.You just cannot win with BPD.

Exactly, on Saturday I took our son with me for a trip to the city as I had to get our dog a hair cut.  She met us in the city because she' d arranged a play date with our son and the son of a male friend she used to go to HS with.  He's single and recently moved to our area.  She picked up our son at around 1:30pm and I didn't hear anything from her until 5pm where she said the friend had offered to have them stay for dinner as our son was having too much fun and didn't want to leave.  I told her it was OK to get our son a pizza and come home when he was ready.  They didn't get home until 8pm.

I feel bad but the next morning I asked our 4 yr old "so, did you have fun?  Oh yeah, oh what was mommy and her friend doing when you were playing?"  "Oh just talking that's good."

I hate feeling like this and I'd even considered having a beer at a local strip club just to get away from the stress but I felt like that would be cheating and I'm above that.

I worrying about how the couple counseling is going to go tomorrow

[crankshaft25]

An update on this situation... .

At the end of May we had a counselling session and she outright said she wanted to split.  I was so shocked that I didn't know what to say so I just said that the best thing was to try and help her find a place to live.  This did not go over well.

That night she got so upset with me it turned into an hour of her telling me how I've changed, I'm not the person I used to be how everything was my fault.  Well it was her yelling these things to me.

I slept on the couch that night.  The next day I went to work as normal and that evening I was going to sleep on the couch again but she came to me crying that she really wanted me to sleep in the bed.  How she missed me sleeping in the bed and she couldn't stop sobbing.  So I decided to sleep in bed with her that night.  The next morning I got up with my son and was ready for work when she came into the living room with my tablet and said "REAL F***ING NICE!" and threw it on the couch.  She called me a liar in front of our son.  Well it turns out she turned on my tablet, enabled the wifi and logged into my facebook looking to see if I was talking with a woman she thought I was hooking up with ( not in the least btw, just a mother of kids who were friends with our son).  Instead she found an email I sent to a school buddy talking about our problems and that we were probably splitting up.  I discussed how I thought she might have BPD and the cost a month of her marijuana use and some other things.  He was also having marital problems.

She got so upset about this email that when I was at work she started emailing me like crazy, after calling my buddy's wife and telling her that he was thinking of leaving her.  She was leaving and going to a shelter.  Telling me this is my family I'm letting go.  This went on the whole day.  Finally my father was able to talk her into coming back and staying at the house with me that night.   

In bed she started telling me that the only reason my buddy was trying to get me to go out and pick up girls with him (that's how he talks... . big words... . no action) was that I was better looking than him and I'd be able to get more women for him.  I just kept quiet thinking this was her way of trying to distance me from my friend.

Well it didn't get any better.  Eventually her best friend talked us into having a temporary separation for 2 weeks to calm down.  We did this and didn't really talk unless it was about our son. 

After the two weeks I went back to the house to talk to her.  It didn't go well, as soon as the topic of the house came up (it's the cheapest I'd be able to afford) she got upset again.  Started saying how I never stand up for her with my family.  Even though they never say anything bad about her.  She told me to leave so I did and went back to my parents house.

Fast forward to the end of June.  I'm still at my parents and she's alone at the house most of the time and we share time with our son.  I tell her she can stay in that house for the summer because she wanted to babysit some children to make some money to help move out.  I came over to help clean the house to get it ready for babysitting and she takes me aside to tell me something.  She says "This will probably upset you but i don't care... . I was shopping and a married man wanted to cheat on his with with me.  Married 20 years and I said no.  But I've been texting him and email him since then and even went out for coffee a few times to talk about our relationship problems"  I was shocked!  I asked how long this had been going on and she said since the Winter (so maybe 3-4 months in my mind).  She left the house to get some stuff for cleaning and I was there alone with my thoughts while trying to clean.

She then gets back and sees that I am quiet.  We talk and I tell her that I am upset about this married guy.  She then tells me she didn't mean to upset me.  Blah blah then more arguing about the house and my family so I decide to leave with my son as it was my day.

Now mid July I find out that she's been having a guy over at our house for sleepovers because he has a son about the same age as ours for "play dates"  I find out that he barely brought his son so it was just her, him and our son.  She insists they are just friends but in the past he's wanted more from her and I don't really believe her.

Well now it's the end of July... . she calls me on a Saturday at noon because she missed our son (my weekend) so I agree to bring him to see her for a hug.  She's upset and crying.  She starts begging me to take her back.  She'll cook, clean.  Live in the crappy house and deal with my family.

I'm starting to consider it because... . I still do care a lot for her and miss her like crazy... . plus she's lost a lot of weight and looks REALLY good.  I tell her that to consider this we'd have to make good with the old friends because she burned a lot of bridges.  She even tells me the married man thing from before was just a lie to make me think she was still pretty.  Here I am going for a month thinking she was cheating when it was a lie.

This didn't go well... . she wasn't mad but got a glazed look in her eyes and started telling me "I have to do it... . you know what I have to do"  "I have a letter for Aiden (or son) to tell him about his mommy"  I instantly think she's going to kill herself (she has no family or real friends at this point).  I spent an hour stopping her from leaving,  Even took her car keys. 

Then she just did a 180, went from crying to being mad saying "I'm going for a walk!" and out the door she goes.  There is a damn about 20 minutes walk from our house and she's threatened to drive off it in the past. 

I call my father and tell him to get there NOW!  She's going to kill herself and I still had our son.

Was able to get our son to my parents house for my mother to watch him. 

I called the suicide hotline and explained what happened then she came back while I was still on the phone with them and they wanted to talk to her.  She was still upset but took the phone an talked to them for close to an hour.  All in french so I have no idea what was said.

I called to police to ask if I was allowed to give her the car keys because I was afraid she was going to kill herself.  They sent to police cars to our house.  While waiting she told me she was going to deny everything.

the police showed up and talked to me for 5 minutes and her for 30.  They even had me talk to the suicide hotline supervisor again.   After all this the police officer comes up to me and says "She's admitted to some thing and not others"  She has agreed to goto a shelter tomorrow.  Bring you son back here at the normal time.

Well two weeks later she's calling me at 3am because a drug addict/prostitute stole her walled and all her money at the shelter.  I told her to come back to the house because it's safer for her and our son.

She did that and is now back there trying to get on welfare to find a place to stay.

I still care about her... . but she hates my family even though we've done so much for her.  She won't admit to having any sort of mental issues and blames my parents for controlling me. 

I want my family back but unless she can admit to having issues I don't see it working and these same issues will just come back.  She very much insists she doesn't have BPD or any issues.



Sorry for the long winded message... . I totally shortened it already LOL

I'm a mess... . I've started therapy but have only had two sessions so far.  I gave my everything to her for 7 years but because I didn't get her a ring or a newer house she thinks I am a liar and don't love her