When it becomes necessary to contact them for your own well-being

[nomoremommyfood]

My dBPDbf and I got into a big fight 8 days ago - the "push" argument that seems to occur yearly - then discussed it 6 days ago with my suggesting I give him space for a while and him agreeing. Since then, I went two days without talking to him, then found he was ignoring my calls and texts. On Tuesday night, after I'd left a small gift at his door that morning, he texted to thanks me, tell me he hadn't had his phone with him earlier, and that he was doing alright.

That was a mere three days ago and I'm falling apart. I don't know why this is bothering me so much - I logically know he's not upset and just needs time alone - but ever since the fight I've been getting more and more depressed. I have bi-polar disorder (I know, I know) that's usually well-controlled, but triggered by severe stress and I think the content of the fight and it's uncertain aftermath really got to me. After a brief respite of happiness when he texted me, each day is getting worse. There's constant chest pain, no appetite, waking up at 5 am unable to go back to sleep, and now panic attacks and crying jags making work almost impossible.

I just called him to no avail (he hasn't been bringing his phone lately) and followed with a "please call/text me" message. Stupid and probably pushing him away but I'm terrified of the episode getting worse and want to stop it in it's tracks. Even if it's just listening to him complain, some semblance of normalcy would help. I feel like he's no longer real and am haunted by the memory of someone who lives six blocks away! The last time I got this depressed, he alternated between fighting with me and wanting to help me recover. I'd planned on trying to re-connect next week but now worried about my own health. If I forced a reconciliation, what's the worse that could happen?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[arabella]

Do you want us to just help you to feel better? Or are you looking for constructive feedback on this?

I don't have any major disorder (that I am aware of) and I can tell you that I have had similar symptoms - physical pain, loss of appetite, insomnia, panic, uncontrollable crying, etc. It's truly awful. I'm sorry that you're going through this. What are you doing to help yourself right now?

If I forced a reconciliation, what's the worse that could happen?

I am going to treat this as a rhetorical question that you don't really want an answer to. But I will point out that, by definition, true 'reconciliation' is not something that can be forced.

[nomoremommyfood]

I don't know why I posted this. I recently moved from a communal living situation to another neighborhood and am unaccustomed to being alone so often, reliant on someone who's not speaking to me for both comfort, and isolated from friends who'd recognize when I needed help.

I guess I'm looking for an answer to the question: if you reach out during your allotted 'no contact-giving space' time to ease your own inner pain, have you essentially destroyed any chance of the relationship returning to normal?

I'm also wondering if anyone else has found themselves dealing with severe depression or anxiety triggered by their BPD partner's splitting, if or how they managed to handle their symptoms, and if they revealed their feelings after the storm had calmed.

[arabella]

Okay, that's more clear to me - thank you!

I guess I'm looking for an answer to the question: if you reach out during your allotted 'no contact-giving space' time to ease your own inner pain, have you essentially destroyed any chance of the relationship returning to normal?

":)estroyed"? No, but it isn't wise. And if 'normal' leads to having to go NC then normal isn't really a good place to return to anyway. I think you are damaging the trust in the r/s if you agreed on a break and now are demanding attention. I also think that this doesn't really solve anything - you need to find ways to soothe yourself that do not rely on your pwBPD as this isn't really fair to either of you. To be honest, 'pulling', due to emotional dysregulation, when the other person needs space, is very much what a pwBPD does.

I'm also wondering if anyone else has found themselves dealing with severe depression or anxiety triggered by their BPD partner's splitting, if or how they managed to handle their symptoms, and if they revealed their feelings after the storm had calmed.

Yes and sort of. I've dealt with both depression and anxiety caused by my BPDh's dissociation. I told him some of it afterward but it was obvious he couldn't grasp what I was trying to tell him nor did he really believe me (probably because he didn't want to believe it). I handled it I guess the same way I would if it were caused by anything else - self care, distractions, reliance on family/friends for support and attention, saw my doctor, therapist, found this site, started going to CoDA group meetings, more exercise, more meditation, reduced caffeine intake, etc. Basically the things that are sort of 'textbook' for depression or anxiety. Not very interesting I suppose - I wish I had more to offer you!

I recently moved from a communal living situation to another neighborhood and am unaccustomed to being alone so often, reliant on someone who's not speaking to me for both comfort, and isolated from friends who'd recognize when I needed help.

It sounds like you're going through a lot of changes all at once. Be kind to yourself and reach out to other people, besides your BPDpartner, for help. Can you call up some of your friends? Maybe arrange to visit? I think the move itself is probably making your symptoms worse than they would otherwise be - at least, I know it would probably have that effect on me.

[patientandclear]

After a brief respite of happiness when he texted me, each day is getting worse. There's constant chest pain, no appetite, waking up at 5 am unable to go back to sleep, and now panic attacks and crying jags making work almost impossible.

*** I feel like he's no longer real and am haunted by the memory of someone who lives six blocks away!

NMMF, I second Arabella's observations that this is an important chance for you to exercise your own self-soothing skills and make sure he is not necessary to your well-being and contact with him is not the only way you can feel good.  As a poster on here recently reminded me, you cannot be emotionally dependent on someone wBPD.  It's a recipe for unhappiness.

I say this even though I can completely relate to both of the quotes I picked out above.  My pwBPD has been out of touch for the longest silent stretch we've ever gone through (over 2 months now), one I sense is going to continue a lot longer since I am not inclined to reach out to him & "fix" it by pinging him with the "green light" signal.  I'm not completely sure why, but I have a strong gut level instinct not to do that even though I think it would help in restoring contact. Maybe my instinct not to do that is coming from a self-preservation instinct that I must detach from him and make what I get from him less important to my well-being.  Anyway, that is what I'm using this time for.  I'm reading, working, cleaning, organizing, being a good mom, friend and family member, doing things I've neglected as I concentrated on managing the r/s with him.

I do feel, as you do, that "he's no longer real."  It is jarring to whipsaw from being so intensely close with someone to them all but disappearing.  He is real, though, and he will almost certainly be back (not sure this is true of my guy but that is a different situation in many ways).  What happens then will be determined in part by how strong and centered you are.  All the more reason to use this time apart to center yourself and practice making yourself happy.

I also completely relate to the anxiety, not being able to work, the waking up hyper-vigilant at 5 am, the pain in the chest.  That describes so much of my last 20 months or so.  I think my body and psyche were responding to my misunderstanding that there was something I could and should be doing to fix this, to get us back to the original happy state of the honeymoon period.  Because I was consciously committed not to return to the codependent ways of my earlier life, I didn't act on this impulse to fix (i.e., I was very scrupulous about not engulfing him, I left him to his own devices, let him come to me, didn't stick my nose in his business or ask what he was doing when not with me, didn't recommend therapy or suggest change) but man, I had a full-time job figuring out how I should act to optimize the relationship.  Which is still a co-dependent trap, I just wasn't acting out -- I was acting in.  I put all this pressure on myself to be the perfect BPD whisperer so I could earn his trust and we could have the great r/s I knew deep down we were supposed to have.  I was trying to defeat BPD.

That anxiety and hyper-alertness will probably only subside when (i) you get a "hit" of your drug of choice (him) and are temporarily soothed by that, or (ii) you deeply accept that nothing you can do will completely alleviate this disorder.  He will dysregulate and you cannot eliminate all the triggers no matter how hard you try.  So detaching and realizing that you being who you are is not what's causing the problem, is I think the only deep solution to the anxiety and all those physical manifestations of the anxiety.  You're living in fear that you cannot control his reaction to who you are and what you do.  And you can't, but you can give up the fear.

  This is a super hard place to be -- that's coming from someone who's spent a very long time in that exact same place.  I've been getting advice around here for many months to detach more, and for a while I thought "I am detached."  But then I realized I was only acting detached, as a strategy to manage the r/s.  I need to actually detach, as in, separate my happiness from whatever is going on with him.  It's the only way to survive this and be OK.

[nomoremommyfood]

That anxiety and hyper-alertness will probably only subside when (i) you get a "hit" of your drug of choice (him) and are temporarily soothed by that, or (ii) you deeply accept that nothing you can do will completely alleviate this disorder.  He will dysregulate and you cannot eliminate all the triggers no matter how hard you try. 

The depression finally subsided but after inadvertently getting stuck on the phone with him. I'd worked out a "plan" with my BPD friend (not the same as BPDbf), and we mutually came to the agreement that my depressive episode was becoming too serious to continue the "waiting game," i.e., whenever he decided to talk to me, he was going to find a barely-functioning basket case. In a choice between a.) suffer more days unable to move without handfuls of benzos and planning on going to the hospital the next day or b.) breaking the space, break the space.

We opted to let him know via calling his friend to pass the word to him that I was sick... . and ended up catching him while in the car with my bf and handing the phone to him. The conversation was actually okay - he appreciated that I'd been leaving spaces of a few days before contact - and hadn't spoken to me because he was overwhelmed with gambling (his "first priority". However, he assured me there was nothing to worry about and we'd talk in a few days.

I feel better but scared over what will happen, next. I thought I was strong enough to put up with silent spells and not relapse into depression. However, thinking back, whenever this has occurred in the past, I've always had other people around; co-worked or friends. Now, I work alone and mostly only see my roommate (uninterested in being supportive) and my boyfriend. I recognized this as a problem and set-up ways to socialize - new clients, union meetings, calling old friends - but am becoming more dependent on him for social support... . not a good idea! 

[arabella]

The depression finally subsided but after inadvertently getting stuck on the phone with him. I'd worked out a "plan" with my BPD friend (not the same as BPDbf), and we mutually came to the agreement that my depressive episode was becoming too serious to continue the "waiting game," i.e., whenever he decided to talk to me, he was going to find a barely-functioning basket case. In a choice between a.) suffer more days unable to move without handfuls of benzos and planning on going to the hospital the next day or b.) breaking the space, break the space.

***

... . am becoming more dependent on him for social support... . not a good idea! 

There is a big difference between situational depression and clinical depression and really they are not treated the same way. Situational depression happens when there is an event that triggers deep sadness (understatement, but you get the gist) and is alleviated over time as the situation improves or the sadness trigger is removed. It is not caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, although it may in turn cause some imbalance over time; it may also be contributed to by a preexisting condition. Clinical depression is very much internal and no amount of adding/removing people or triggers will help, it may or may not get better over time but usually requires medical intervention (usually medication) and/or therapy.

What you are describing sounds very much like acute situational depression and anxiety. P&C made a good analogy - our pwBPD are like an addiction. So, much like with any drug you might be addicted to, you experience painful withdrawal symptoms until you get your next 'hit'. This isn't a good pattern - you're still an addict and that drug supply could disappear any time. Then what? NNMF, what do you think it would take for you to break the 'addiction'? Do you have a therapist who could help you work through this?

It sounds like you've already recognized some the social triggers that have contributed to this and are working to fix that - a great first step! - but in the same sentence you say you are still becoming more dependent on your BPDbf for support. A pwBPD can not be your emotional support - this is unsafe for you, health-wise. You know this, but what do you think you could do to reverse the course? Your entire mental health and ability to function can not be reliant on one person (whether they have BPD or not). I've been a "basket-case" before too but there are ways to work through that without feeding the addiction.

[nomoremommyfood]

There is a big difference between situational depression and clinical depression and really they are not treated the same way. Situational depression happens when there is an event that triggers deep sadness (understatement, but you get the gist) and is alleviated over time as the situation improves or the sadness trigger is removed. It is not caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, although it may in turn cause some imbalance over time; it may also be contributed to by a preexisting condition. Clinical depression is very much internal and no amount of adding/removing people or triggers will help, it may or may not get better over time but usually requires medical intervention (usually medication) and/or therapy... . Then what? NNMF, what do you think it would take for you to break the 'addiction'? Do you have a therapist who could help you work through this?

This is why I freaked out - I'm already on three different medications for bi-polar disorder. I've historically been triggered into actual relapses - like, suicidal and hospitalized when I had insurance; alone in a room and too high to move without insurance - by relationship issues. The symptoms of the past few days - while they may have been situational - too closely resembled the beginning of an episode. And I was scared that, by the time the triggering event was over, I'd already be deep in the "woods" and stuck there for months.

I've never responded to my boyfriend's behavior in such a manner in six years and I suspect it's from social isolation. I have a doctor whom I called Friday for help and, along with a last-minute medication increase, he suggested a go stay with or at least call a friend to calm me down. Though a friend helped, most people have just gotten sick of hearing about him. Unfortunately, while I'd love to seek therapy, I can only afford to one appointment every two months for medication refills. I was approved at a community clinic for the uninsured and noticed they offer psychiatry, though I know their wait lists can be six months long.

When searching for a support group for my bf, I found a meeting group for friends/family of people with BPD. I live in a big city and am looking for no-cost support groups, with the added bonus that perhaps seeing me go with ease his fear of getting help. Though some have mentioned Co-dependents Anonymous, I had a very bad experience with NA and am critical of the inherent religious outlook of the "Anonymous" groups. Oddly, when things are "normal" and I'm busy, I'll sometimes sort of forget about him, then realize a haven't talked to him in a week.

I would LOVE some suggestions on other ways to detach!

[arabella]

Yup, I see the problem. That's really rough, NMMF!  Really impressed that you're here and so aware of what's going on - that's a lot of self-reflection and work you've obviously done.

I think part of the problem is that medication doesn't work particularly well for situational depression. Unfortunately, if that acts as a trigger for you, it means that you're in a tight spot. And of course, the fear of it triggering a relapse only adds to the anxiety. I did have a similar problem once before, I was desperately afraid a particular situation was going to trigger a depressive relapse. I managed to avoid it, but it was scary! I know the first recommendation is always to detach and become more independent. That's what I'm trying to do now. The time where I was walking the edge with the trigger though... . umm, that time I ran straight into other relationships (friends/family mostly) to soothe myself. I clung like a desperate woman to other people. And I spent a lot of time trying to stay busy enough to 'forget' the situation that was spinning me out.

I can't say as I've tried an NA meeting, so I can't compare it to the CoDA meetings I've gone to. I imagine that different groups (even two different NA groups) would have different dynamics. I know that around here some of the group members mentioned attending a group in another city and not liking the 'fit' there - our group is extremely laid back. I understand the religious aversion. That part threw me off for a long time too. I do not consider myself a religious person at all. For the purposes of the CoDA "god as we have come to understand god" (or however that's phrased) I go with my own spiritual beliefs. 'God' could just be the collective karmic energy of the world, it could be a bearded man in the sky, it could be a collective of deities, it could be the attaining of enlightenment, etc. I don't think it matters - so long as you realize there is more to the world than yourself and that energy can come from outside of yourself (that's my theory on it anyway).

So, aside from groups and leaning on other people and keeping busy, here's an article on how to detach step-by-step: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135116.0

Mostly I think the key is to replace the 'drug' of choice with other, healthier, behaviours - even if that just means spreading your emotional needs over multiple other people rather than leaning on your BPDbf. I call my sister a lot. Sleepovers are always good for a dose of closeness. I have a cat. Oh, and I come here and read about how other people are going through the same crap so that I don't feel so alone in the madness of my r/s!