BPD and Running away

[peaceandhope]

From reading most of the posts, it appears BPD people have running away behavior.

My dd has been doing it  for many years. Whenever she has emotional dysregulation crisis, the first thing is planning to run away. Luckily she jsut goes sits in a store and fast food place and comes back home.

Iam an extremely safety conscious person and worry about crime and try to take as much precautions as I can. She tries to play on this fear  of mine: like she opens the door at 2am in the morning and goes for a walk.  Last time she left home around 10pm and all of us had to go look for her and she came home at 12.30am walking home alone.  One time she kept the door open and went to sleep.

She is such a pretty girl that I worryy about rapes, kidnapping or worst being a victim of crime.  This was the last straw for me and after this she will never be allowed back in my house.

Did any of you have any similar experience with your kids and what safety plan do you all have in place?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[cleanandsober]

When our daughter used to run away we called the police every time and got them involved. Of course she was only 13 years old... . how old is your daughter? It took maybe 5 or more times until she realized how serious this type of behavior was.  We actually had her put in "shelter care" a few times after running away and got the juvenile system involved.  We are glad we got the law involved because this ultimately got her a social worker from the county which has helped us a lot over the past 3 years.  Out daughter was out of control and the only way we could have stopped her was with professional help.  All the hard work has payed off and she hasn't run away in over a year and a half. (Knock on wood.)  I believe high risk behavior calls for serious and consistent consequences.         

[jellibeans]

My daughter has run away a lot... . we call the police if she leaves the house without permission ... . She knows this and at times would announce that she is leaving.

At the beginning of this year is when we really changed how we responded to dd. One night dd was so violent and out of control my husband had to hold her down and restrain her so she would not hurt me or herself. She was screaming she just wanted to die over and over again. It took sometime and my husband was slapped or kicked every time she let her go. Because of this struggle she has rug burns on her legs. She went to her group therapy the next day and told the group she was abused by her father. Her then new therapist reported it to CPS... . she also made sure the people at school saw her legs... . they also had to report it. I can not put into words how my heart sank when CPS called and told me they had my daughter and had been interviewing her all day and they were on their way to our house. I needed to call my husband and have him leave work immediately and come home so they could interview us both. After we told what really happened they left and no charges were filed and they did not remover her from our home... . some thing they threatened on the phone. The one thing they tell us is that we needed to call the police next time and since then that is what we do. We were foolish to think we could deal with her on our own. We needed police for our safety and hers.

So that is what we have done... . the last time the police brought her back home they told us the next time she will go directly to juvie and she has not run from our home since. There just has to be consequences without them she will continue the behavior and it will put her in danger. My dd did run from her RTC and she hoped she would go to juvie but they brought her back to the place and that really angered her. My dd really has a strong flight or fight response. I feel she is better now but only because we have told her what the consequences are and followed through.

We also have an alarm system on our home so that if a door or window is opened there is a beep. This helps alert us if she is trying to run off but i think the best thing is that she knows we will call the police. I make sure if she leaves I remember what she is wearing... . often before I could not even recall what clothes she had on. I have a recent photo of her... . she changes her hair color and style a lot so this is important.

Peace your dd is putting herself in danger... . one of these times she is going to be approached by strangers and the result could be very tragic ... . the best way to protect her is get the police involved.

When my dd ran away from her RTC she meet up with some guys out side a walmart and smoked drugs with them... . I was so worried and sacred for  her that night because I knew she had no fear of strangers... . things really could have went wrong that night and she could have been easily raped and killed. Your fears are real and you need to do everything you can to protect her.

[peaceandhope]

I wanted to share this artile with you all

www.healthland.time.com/2013/03/07/mental-illness-increases-risk-of-being-homicide-victim/

[jellibeans]

That article makes a lot of sense... . pwBPD are very impulsive and often put themselves into dangerous situations.

[crazedncrazymom]

My dd16 also had a history of leaving the house without permission and running away.  She stayed in a youth shelter for a month.  Four days by her choice and the other 26 by my choice to show her that home is really better.  Her case manager also suggested calling the police everytime she left the house without permission.  I did that and the police treat me like I'm crazy (who knows?).

jellibeans what did you say to the police when you called them?  What were the circumstances when you called them?  My dd is not afraid of the police at all. 

[jellibeans]

crazed


My dd is not afraid of the police either... . she is actually very rude to them... . I tell the police my daughter has run away from home. I tell them she is on medication and anything else I feel they need to know about her mental state... . I tell them she is suicidal or had been cutting etc... . they come right away... . they also call a crisis officier and he/she comes out to determine if she needs to go to P hospital. One time I went to wake up dd in the morning and she was gone... . I was terrified and believed she had left the night before... . I have never had a problem with them coming.

A couple of times they wanted to take her to the P hospital or to Juvie but I talked them out of it... . it was a time when they were changing her meds and she was all over the place... . but the last time they came they told me she would be going to juvie and I do think that helped to get her to stop running.

[vivekananda]

just to throw a spanner in the works, I am aware that young men (17 - 30) make the greatest number of victims of assault. This, I think is because they hang out with other young men who make up the greatest number of perpetrators of assault.

I believe running away is common amongst most troubled girls. And they take risks that seem incredible. If you can speak to the police (in person, when there is no problem) get their advice and get them on side, you may be able to ride this out with a minimum of fuss. They should consider it as preventative work, preventing a problem before it can happen... .

Do you see a T? Have you asked for their advice?

Vivek    

[heronbird]

 

Oh what a good interesting topic.

When our dd was little, she is the youngest of 4 so we were used to kids, but she was different, always wondering off, I cant count the number of times she would run off. On holiday, in London town one day she was standing next to me, age 3 approx the next second she was gone. I was convinced someone had taken her. We found her wondering around in horseguards parade, London is such a busy place I dont know how we found her.

I know you are talking about running off in a different context really.

I can understand pwBPDs running tendencies because although Im not BPD I am like that. Id rather run off than keep arguing or being upset, because I feel things so deeply.

When I was in my 20s and first married, if we had arguments I would always need to get out on my own but dh wouldnt let me go because he was worried. This was the worse thing he could have done to me.

On the occasions when I did get out and hide from him ( so silly) I would be fine after 5-10  mins.

Now, I realised this may be the same with my dd, and it was. So as Id learnt now in my 40s I made a plan with her.

I said, I realise you need to get out, but we worry, its so dangerous out there, its dark and not a nice area, do you agree?

Yes, so what can we arrange? then you do what ever you think is the best, in our situation I let her go but she had to answer my texts and ring me if she was in trouble. This really was good for her.

She would go for 10 minutes and come back much better, sometimes crying but wanting to talk to us at least. She seemed to respect us for this too.

I would be praying like mad at the time.

Unfortunately my dd is also stunning and bad things with men did happen to her but I have to say, this stuff didnt happen on the occasions we arranged. It happened when she went to late night raves discos whatever they are called. She also had a bf that liked punching her in the face a lot, she hid that from us     She wouldnt even go to the Police when she dumped him and we found out. She said she deserved it.

Thats another thing about storming off when tensions are high, it gives you a feeling of control. You think, Im not going to have to be shouted at, I am in control Im out walking in the streets, its midnight and I could get raped, it does not matter because I deserve it, I am such a bad person making my mum shout at me and be so upset with me, I dont even care if I get run over, in fact it would serve me right.

We ended up nick naming dd Stormy (the seahorse from little mermaid) She was only about 8 at this time. We didnt know anything about BPD in those days and dd seemed very happy

[peaceandhope]

Do you see a T? Have you asked for their advice

Vivek , no I have not seen a T yet. Iam looking for one who can do on the phone.

My dd runs only if she is home with me.  Now she can never put foot in my house( Sorry it sounds terrible, but this is the only way to keep her safe and keep my sanity)