married two years

[Jeansok]

You all are speaking my life. My husband used to come in with a fit of rage and turn in the lights and throw off my covers and demand answers for stuff. Stupid stuff... . but I totally get what your saying also on the going days without speaking. Common trend for us. At first when I noticed my husbands behavior I thought he could be bipolar but then his therapist recently said it was just his personality (according to my husband)... . things got better for awhile a couple months anyway and then he told me his therapist said it wasnt nesseccary to come back. I dont know what all went down but after these last few episides and doing more research I have no doubt he is BPD... . I cant beleive how dead on these stories are to mine. He gas not been diagnosed officially. I just hope I can get him to come see someone with me because I dont kniw if im strong enough to deal with this. I just want to be hapoy and the kids. W have a 1 yr old and my 7 year old (part time) from a previous marriage. Sometimes he ignores her and I feel aweful. Then I feel like I just want my family to work! I dont want a divorce and feel guilty now for putting my daughter in the middle of this. I had no idea this was what was wrong until after we were married. We've been married two years in October... . its very hard to deal with but I love him so much... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

You all are speaking my life. My husband used to come in with a fit of rage and turn in the lights and throw off my covers and demand answers for stuff. Stupid stuff... . but I totally get what your saying also on the going days without speaking. Common trend for us. At first when I noticed my husbands behavior I thought he could be bipolar but then his therapist recently said it was just his personality (according to my husband)... . things got better for awhile a couple months anyway and then he told me his therapist said it wasnt nesseccary to come back. I dont know what all went down but after these last few episides and doing more research I have no doubt he is BPD... . I cant beleive how dead on these stories are to mine. He gas not been diagnosed officially. I just hope I can get him to come see someone with me because I dont kniw if im strong enough to deal with this. I just want to be hapoy and the kids. W have a 1 yr old and my 7 year old (part time) from a previous marriage. Sometimes he ignores her and I feel aweful. Then I feel like I just want my family to work! I dont want a divorce and feel guilty now for putting my daughter in the middle of this. I had no idea this was what was wrong until after we were married. We've been married two years in October... . its very hard to deal with but I love him so much... .

You are not alone in this and are in the right place to start learning how best to deal with this. I understand the guilt you feel bringing your daughter into this. I too was in the same boat.

Dont concentrate on trying to drag him to a T for a quick fix. That path leads to frustration.

You have to start first with boundaries, stop making it worse and conflict minimalization. This is the same things that other more experienced members are working on. Even with better understanding of this, and as you can see are still finding it hard going. However they are a lot further down the track that they could have once imagined. The danger is of course, the more know the more you abnormal you realize it is, that can leave you feeling you are getting nowhere.  The blissfull ignorance is taken away

[Jeansok]

Thanks waverider. I have a lot to learn from you all. Its so overwhelming the similarities to everything im reading here. I just have to decide if it's all worth it I guess.  Have to learn to be happy whether he's being good to me or not. It's hard because I want us so much to do normal things with friends and family. Everything we do is dependant on his mood. I stopped trying to plan things with our friends because hed always break them and I feel bad everytime. Ive been playing this game if living in the dream world when he's sane and being completely sucked in to the otherside. I told him today I won't put up with his name calling and asked him if he wanted our son to grow up seeing him treat me that way. Course he gets offensive about everything and finds a way to blame me or twist the situation until I actually seem to beleive and think maybe it us me. I have to remember this is a disease and not take it personal but I get sucked in to that. I know I haven't handled it well lately the emotional roller coaster is taking its. And I feel like a crazy person... .

[Jeansok]

My husband came to me this morning and told me he will see someone with me and for me to set up the appointment. I was shocked to tell u the truth somewhat but am glad. I want to try at least if he's willing. I had before he came to me already set something up for me. This all happened in the last couple days when I was absolurely fed up yesterday morning and laid it all on the line I wasnt going to put up with this and for the kids sake. We will see how this goes... . I want it to work more than anything

[yeeter]

Hugs Jeansok.   

It sounds like you were able to draw a line and get some attention!  This is a good sign (sometimes they have trouble following through, so be ready if that happens and dont get discouraged).

Read read read the lessons.  If you can, find someone with experience in DBT therapy.  If you call and screen T's by asking for experience with DBT, Schema, or Metalization methods it will be obvious as to why.

Know that for many here, MC did not work.  And sometimes made things worse.  Again though, its worth a try because if it does work and the T calls him on some of his behavior and he agrees to getting help, it could be a huge breakthrough.

More hugs - let us know how it goes.   

[Rockylove]

 

I'll agree with yeeter... . find someone who is experienced treating BPD and you may have a chance with "couple's therapy."  I'm doing my homework in this area.  I sincerely believe that I need the therapy as much as my fiance does.  Even though I'm a strong woman, I've got my insecurities and he certainly knows just which buttons to push and when! 

You're certainly not alone!  We're all in this together and here to support each other.  Hang in there and read, read and then read some more.  There are so many helpful resources in the lessons and suggested books, etc.  The more you work on taking care of yourself, the better you'll be able to set boundaries and deal with your husbands behaviors without feeling crazy