are we just another notch in their belt?

[crystalclear]

Coming to terms with the sudden demise of my r/s is unimaginably painful for one that I will never see, or talk to the person I gave all ny time and love to... . not because i chose it to be this way... . but he left me and never contacted me ever since... . and the worst turn of events was that he met someone new within 2 months since the split, to make his biggest dreams come true - to be married and have a family... . and he told me 'we are history, I moved on and I do not want to rehash of the past. I'm getting late to meet my friends... . bye'... . 1.5 yrs meant nothing? Was I another guinea pig?

There so much to say, so much to share and so much to love this person who was going to be my companion for life... . even after 3 months to my world crashing down with his harsh words... . the emptiness exists,,. Love seems to be an over ambitious adventure that I am not anymore  brave enough to make. Losing hope and the light at end of this tunnel seems to be disappearing slowly,... .

The truth is clear now but hard and hurtful - I meant nothing to him afterall... .

This is the only place in the world I can share my story... . thank you for letting me share and be a part of this community... .

[fromheeltoheal]

If your ex is a pwBPD, you did mean everything to him at one point, in fact you were probably seen as 'perfect' in their fantasy of the relationship, at least in the beginning, during the idealization phase.  All their emotions are real to them, and then can change very fast, inside their disorder.  Remember that BPD is an attachment disorder, they MUST attach to someone to feel whole, and once they do, they can feel engulfed, and need to create distance, and then come back and attach, in a continual push/pull.  And then there was probably a devaluation phase, where everything was your fault and you couldn't do anything right, which is a projection of their own shame onto you.  It wasn't about you, it is never about us, and we can't fix it.  Once he cycled you through the phases of the disorder, it was time to look for another attachment, and off he went.  Rest assured the new person will be treated in exactly the same way, you probably weren't the first, and after a while you may consider yourself fortunate that you got off the BPD rollercoaster.

I know how you feel about love seeming an over ambitious adventure; I felt that way because I had the whole weight of the relationship on me, she was all take and no give, and one person can't keep a relationship going by themselves.  I've found in time that I grew a great deal during the relationship, and mostly from healing after it, and I'm better suited for a healthy relationship now; a big part of the growth was asking why did I go down that rabbit hole and ignore all those red flags to begin with, and how present do I get to be with future relationships?  She's going to benefit from the new, improved me.  Hang in there, it gets better.

[marbleloser]

No cc,not in all cases are we just another notch.There's an empty space inside some that need filling.These are the one's that can't be alone.They need someone to complete them,because they don't feel complete on their own.

He's not magically better,or happier,or has "found the one".It's simply that he's found another to fill that space.She'll last until she's had enough or he's cheated on her with someone that he finds more appealing at the moment.

What are you doing for yourself? Anything to help keep your mind occupied?

[Murbay]

crystalclear, that same thought goes through my head quite a lot but I think marbleloser is right in the sense that we aren't another notch. Heeltoheal, has it right too that we did mean everything to them at one point.

I took a step back at the start of my relationship because everything was just too fast but wasn't aware of my ex's abandonment issues. She flew from her country to mine because I hadn't spoken to her for 2 weeks, then her mother forwarded me the e-mail she had sent to them prior to flying out. It was that which drew me back in, because her feelings were so intense and she was devastated (red flag, I hadn't ended the relationship, just asked for a bit of breathing space after being together a 2 months and already planning a wedding   )

Even at the very end, she initiated the divorce because "we loved each other so much" and it was based on her believing I would be happier with someone else, she was stalking my ex and believed she was single again. I really got the feeling that she was doing all of this out of her abandonment fears, push out the door before I leave her. Though I didn't want to go anywhere, I married her for life, sickness and in health.

But then there was the other side, her colleague is going through a divorce, he is widely known as being co-dependent and desperately trying to find a replacement for his wife. It really adds to the confusion because you question whether they are really doing this because of their fears or to alleviate their own guilt at finding someone else who matched the criteria.

I think that a big part is the issue is that they are torn, someone has to white and someone has to be black because otherwise it would consume them if they realised their own actions.

[Rocknut]

Notch?

Let me tell you what my exbf BPD said. He wore 3 of my Tshirts home 3 days in a row. The 4th day he started to wear a nice shirt of mine home and I said, "no, you already have 3 of my shirts." His exact response was, " I know! They're my trophies."